Why you need a monthly meeting about your sex life

Yes, diarising a chat about what you do in the bedroom sounds excruciating, says Franki Cookney. But the results can be profound

A key tip when talking about sex is to make sure you have the conversation outside the bedroom. Choose a neutral space, in a moment when you aren’t tired, hungry, or preoccupied (Getty Images)

About once every six months, I cajole my husband into sitting down with me and having a frank discussion about our finances. It’s obviously not my favourite date night activity but I acknowledge it has to be done, not just in terms of weekly budgeting, but also to discuss what treats, what pleasures, we also want to plan for.

That money is a sensitive topic is well known. But if there’s one thing we Brits find harder than talking about money, it’s talking honestly about sex. So, when I heard that sex therapist, Emily Morse was advocating for couples to have a monthly sex meeting, I admit it, I shuddered. Dr Morse, whose book Smart Sex came out in the summer, encourages couples to set aside time to review their sex lives and decide what needs attention.

With lack of downtime easily the main obstacle to my sex life, the idea of scheduling a meeting to discuss it is fairly laughable. But the aim of this sexual “state of the union” is less about digging into deep and difficult questions and more about checking in to make sure you’re on track. In fact, Morse suggests taking no longer than 10 minutes over it, which sounds doable even to me. But that still doesn’t address the fact that talking about sex is really hard.

“Most of the sexual problems in our relationships have nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with communication,” Morse writes in her book. I can vouch for this. I dedicated a whole episode of the latest series of my podcast to discussing how to get better at talking about sex.

A key tip is to make sure you have the conversation outside the bedroom. Dr Morse recommends taking a walk so that you don’t have to hold eye contact. Car journeys can work too. If neither of those are an option, at least choose a neutral space, in a moment when you aren’t tired, hungry, or preoccupied.

I opt to raise the subject while I’m making dinner. Cooking gives me something else to look at, and it’s a time of day when my husband and I are relaxed but not yet ready to drop. So, while I chop leeks and he sits at the kitchen counter sipping beer and scrolling his phone, I casually float the idea of a “quick catch up about our sex life”.

Questions Dr Morse suggests include “What would you like to see more of in our sex life?” “What can I do more of to make sex satisfying for you?” and “May I share something I’d like more of during sex?”

If those sound a bit on the nose, you could also try coming at it from another angle. Asking “What have you read or watched this week that you found sexy?” or “What do you think of this article/TikTok video/podcast?” can be effective ways to begin talking about what turns you on and what you might be interested in trying together.

After 14 years together, I know my husband pretty well, so I don’t feel like there are going to be any revelations here, it’s more about figuring out how to make more time for it in our busy lives and, when we do, what we’d like to prioritise. So, I take Morse’s advice and focus on sharing recollections of the great sex we’ve had before, in order to guide our intentions about our future.

Three questions she suggests are: “What is your favourite memory of sex we’ve had?” “What was a moment recently when you felt super turned-on?” and “When we’re having sex, what’s your favourite part of it?” From there, it’s much easier to get into talking about what we would like to see more of (me: longer build-up; him: more initiation by me).

While some may baulk at the idea of scheduling sex, I personally find it can be helpful (not least in facilitating the build-up I mentioned), and so we recommit to getting out our calendars and finding a time slot that works.

Weird as it may sound, it actually doesn’t feel dissimilar to our money meetings. We’re checking in on whether all our basic needs are being met, and discussing whether we could expand our horizons and, if so, what we’d like to do. Great sex requires time, energy and desire. Like money, these things don’t just magically appear. They require conscious thought, effort and sometimes a bit of clever budgeting.