I’m the ‘evil’ mother-in-law and I’m dreading Christmas with my family

The Independent’s agony aunt Victoria Richards is here to help. Email dearvix@independent.co.uk for advice on love, work, family and relationships

‘Things came to a head recently at a family funeral when I told my grandchild off for behaving badly...’ (Disney)

Dear Vix,

My son’s wife – the mother to his child (my grandchild) – refuses to see or contact me. Things have been cool between us for some time as she thinks I do not help her (I do not wish to be an interfering mother-in-law, but I do help when asked). However, things came to a head recently at a family funeral when I told my grandchild off for behaving badly – my daughter-in-law flounced off and took the child with her. I have tried to smooth things over by talking to my son and writing letters of apology, even sending flowers – but he supports his wife. Other members of the family have tried to help, but this only seems to have made things worse. The situation is making me very sad, as I love them all. Do you have any idea how I can fix this? I’m dreading Christmas.

Yours,

Evil mother-in-law

Dear ‘evil’ mother-in-law,

I’ve put ‘evil’ in quotation marks because I don’t think you’re ‘evil’ at all. If you were saying to me that you wished your daughter-in-law ill because of the way she’s treating you, I’d be worried. Add an eye of newt and toe of frog and hey presto: ‘evil’ mother-in-law. But, you’re not. In fact, unless you’re hiding some of the story (or are in denial about your own actions), it sounds like you genuinely wish to make amends.

Whether you’ll be able to is, sadly, another matter. Unfortunately, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. There’s a lot of murky water under the bridge. Words have been said and upsets remembered. I’d ask you to have a good, thorough think about why this might be. Are there things you may not want to look at? Are you being entirely truthful – with me, with yourself – about your part in the tale?

Here’s what I read between the lines: your daughter-in-law is struggling with the demands of parenting a young child. She wants you to offer help – and to be proactive with it, rather than wait to be asked (it can be very difficult to ask). That might mean: babysitting occasionally; helping out with the shopping – or simply listening to her gripes and frustrations (and here’s the crucial bit: without giving unsolicited advice).

Here’s a great practical tip: when someone tells you how sad, angry or frustrated they are, ask them this simple question first: “Do you want comfort or advice?” Then listen – really listen – to their answer.

People react badly to criticism of their parenting skills, especially when they’re stressed and have young children – that’s why she “flounced off” at the funeral. She doesn’t need your disapproval. She needs your understanding, empathy and support – more practical support than you’ve been giving.

I find it interesting that you’ve chosen to cast yourself as the ‘evil mother-in-law’ – and you’ve decided that offering help with your grandchild makes you the ‘interfering mother-in-law’, too. Is there a small part of you that might be using the excuse that you’re ‘evil’ and ‘interfering’ to avoid helping out? Have you ever asked your son and his wife how they’re coping and what they really need? If not, why not?

It’s never all one person’s fault. Maybe your daughter-in-law is prickly and maybe she holds a grudge. Maybe she’s bloody difficult. But to me, she sounds stressed and scrutinised – and I’m concerned that we’re talking about your son in the abstract, as a peacemaker or go-between. Unless I’m mistaken, your son is a father, too. It’s possible she’s so frustrated with all the parenting being left to her, that her anger and coldness is a direct result of feeling overwhelmed and abandoned.

What you need to do – and it won’t be easy – is to draw a line on all that’s happened and look at forging a new relationship with them all in 2025. And you absolutely need to stop drawing in other members of the family to this feud – trust me on this one.

How? Well, the key is in your letter: you have all the tools you need: “I love them all”, you have written here. That’s all you need to say. And I’d advise you say it, as soon as possible – either by writing your son and his wife a letter, or by asking for a frank conversation.

If they accept, which I very much hope they do, I’d advise you to break it into three short and simple parts: 1. An expression of love (“I love you”); 2. An expression of remorse for your part (“I’m sorry”); 3. A question (“How can I help?”). You can do this verbally or in writing.

If you really want things to improve in the next few days, before Christmas, then it’s time to act fast and be humble. You can’t change what’s gone before, but you can change what lies ahead. So, bite your tongue. You must resist, at all costs, getting involved in a tit-for-tat or by raising any previous grievances or “but you did this” or “but I said that”. Hear them out, don’t snap back and remind yourself of the goal: forgiveness (on all sides).

A word of warning: people aren’t always ready to make amends (even if the slight is mostly in their heads), so you have to brace yourself for the fact that it won’t remedy itself overnight. But it might by next Christmas...

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