As Chrissy Teigen returns to the internet to say sorry, here’s how to apologise effectively
It’s not as simple as saying those two little words, hears Liz Connor.
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Your support makes all the difference.Saying sorry can be one of the hardest things to do, but if you’ve hurt someone and you regret it, it’s important to take responsibility and try to repair the damage caused.
It’s something US model Chrissy Teigen recently posted about, breaking a month-long social media silence to share a lengthy apology for sending hurtful tweets in the past.
“There is simply no excuse for my past horrible tweets,” wrote Teigen, who has 35 million Instagram followers. “I was a troll, full stop. And I am so sorry.”
“I took to Twitter to try to gain attention and show off what I at the time believed was a crude, clever, harmless quip. I thought it made me cool and relatable if I poked fun at celebrities,” she continued.
“In reality, I was insecure, immature and in a world where I thought I needed to impress strangers to be accepted,” Teigen added.
No matter the gravity of the situation, sometimes nothing diffuses a disagreement faster than saying “I’m sorry”, but messing up your apology can make things worse. Here are some quick tips for getting it right…
1. Be authentic
Apologising is all about acknowledging you’re wrong and expressing regret for the specific actions you took, that hurt the other person.
It’s tempting to rush into saying ‘sorry’ to avoid conflict in the heat of the moment, but the process should take a degree of introspection on your part.
“Only say sorry if you really mean it,” says life coach and mentor Natalie Trice (natalietrice.co.uk). “If you aren’t sorry, or don’t think it was your fault, it’s going to be hard to make any apology feel real and authentic.”
Plus, if you don’t take the time to apologise sincerely, Trice says it can risk damaging the relationship even more: “Saying a casual ‘sorry’ could get you into more trouble.”
2. Don’t shift the blame
Saying something vague like, ‘I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said’ is one of the most frustrating apologies you can give. At it’s essence, it suggests that the hurt feelings were an overreaction from the other party, and that you aren’t to blame for what happened.
“If you want to clear the air, stay away from, ‘I know I upset you, but…’ phrases,” stresses Trice. “Say sorry because you mean it and don’t add another layer of blame or guilt to the issue.”
3. Take responsibility
Apologising is hard because it means admitting you were wrong. Being specific in your apology, explaining how and why it happened, is an important step in reassuring the other person that the mistake won’t occur again.
In her latest blog post, Teigen said she was privately reaching out to people she’d insulted in the past, though she did not give details of who.
“Taking responsibility is key to making up with someone, because it shows them you’re acknowledging the mistake you made and taking ownership,” says Trice.
“Something as simple as, ‘When I said what I did, I wasn’t thinking, but I know I’ve hurt you and I’m sorry’, will make it clear that you regret the pain it has caused them.”
4. Find the best solution
Apologising with sincerity is important, but in some cases, action might be more effective.
“If you broke something, make sure to take the time and effort to replace it,” says Trice. Offering a kind and selfless gesture, like sending a bouquet of flowers or giving up your time to help out the person, can also help to heal the rift.
“If you broke their trust, really look at what you can do to rebuild it. Don’t pester them by asking what you can do; show it in your actions instead,” says Trice. “This might take time, but if they are hurt and the relationship is important to you, you need to put the work in.”
5. Don’t expect forgiveness straight away.
Getting the relationship back on track might take time, and your apology could be rejected.
One of the most important parts of an apology is to stand firm in your regret over time. If someone isn’t keen to make amends straight away, don’t undo all your good healing work by withdrawing the apology in anger.
“It can be difficult, but don’t expect the other person to forgive and forget. If your actions were truly damaging, they may not want to know, or it could take time,” says Trice.
James Evans of Vensa Coaching (vensacoaching.co.uk), a public speaking coaching agency says: “A good apology should generally do three things: firstly, acknowledge what you’ve done and the pain you’ve caused. Secondly, show genuine contrition or remorse. And thirdly, pledge to do better in the future.”
Trice adds: “Saying sorry and meaning it is going to the be first step ahead, however hard that might feel.”