Memo to my family: Stop asking me when I’m going to make you grandparents

… because, writes Beth Ashley, the answer might be ‘never’ - especially if we keep being put under this kind of pressure

If you’re of a certain age and yet to have kids, I’m sure you’ve heard all about it from your parents, extended family members, or parent-in-laws if you have them.

I’m in the annoying position of nearing my thirties and still having no idea if I want children. But since I got married two years ago, I’ve received all kinds of expectant comments from extended family members about when I’ll be making my mother a grandmother (which, to her credit, isn’t even something she’s ever said to me herself).

My in-laws have turned up the pressure, too. I’m now very used to comments like, “So when are you going to have kids?”; “When are you going to make me a grandparent?” and “You should think about a career break to have kids sometime soon.”

Have any of these people asked me if I want children? No.

That’s why it was a little confusing when the internet became awash with discourse about the “unspoken grief” of never becoming a grandparent this week, which started with a New York Times article of the same name. Soon, swathes of grandparents were sharing their disappointment – even heartbreak – over their children’s decisions, and how “no one ever talks about this.”

The whole idea is undeniably sad – no one likes hearing about heartbroken old people. But the article and subsequent discourse around it led many social media users, myself included, to wonder where on earth the “unspoken” part is, exactly.

Fewer and fewer people are becoming parents and naturally this leaves a lot of parents who were hoping for a grandparent title uneasy – but that disappointment is loud and something basically every child-free adult is forced to deal with.

Approximately one-third of young adults without children feel some kind of pressure from their parents to “remedy” it, according to research from this year. The New York Times article itself even includes interviews with children who’ve had to help their parents navigate the grief of unfulfilled expectations.

The grief of parents hoping to be grandparents is many things, but it’s definitely not quiet.

Posts from social media users on X put it best, with: “Ask any woman over 25 if it’s unspoken” and, “‘When are you going to have kids?’ ‘You aren’t getting any younger, you know’. ‘Having children is such a wonderful experience’. ‘Don’t you want kids?’”, quoting the typical questions that fly at child-free people from family members. There’s a reason child-free awareness pages online are packed with posts begging parents to stop asking these questions over and over.

I feel for parents who had hoped to become grandparents and are now facing the reality that this opportunity may never come. Studies have shown that unfulfilled expectations around grandparenthood can lead to genuine feelings of loss as they come to terms with the future they’d envisioned dwindling away. That disappointment, however, can never compare to the complex and often conflicting emotions that come with deciding not to have children.

Not having children, whether intentional or not, comes with a lot of emotional baggage. If someone wants children but it doesn’t happen due to fertility issues – it’s devastating and can lead to serious psychological distress. For those who wanted children but ultimately opted out due to financial stresses or because they couldn’t find the right partner, the decision not to have children barely feels like a choice and can stir up painful emotions. And even those who are child-free by choice don’t typically come to that decision lightly.

There’s a societal expectation to procreate, particularly for women, and there’s an intense reckoning that comes from choosing to defy that norm. No matter the reason for being child-free, it’s not an easy throwaway decision and it can come with genuine grief – that’s not made any easier by parents who make it about themselves.

We’re also in the midst of a growing child-free movement that is constantly facing scrutiny and being wholly misunderstood. Women are constantly defending their right to choose a child-free life and adding the narrative that not having children burdens or even depresses our parents is wholly unhelpful.

There’s a reason why parents feel this grief. One study found that, thanks to societal norms, most parents look forward to grandparenthood as a “life goal” that will give them a sense of fulfilment, like a good career move would. While I can understand and sympathise with the pain of unfulfilled dreams, viewing grandparenthood as a life goal highlights a serious flaw in our thinking as a society.

Grandparenthood is the only “life goal” that requires a massive commitment from other people and none whatsoever from the goal-setter. If there were another kind of goal with that criteria, we’d probably laugh it off as ridiculous. Why is it so normal to expect our grown-up children to take on such responsibility, purely to fulfil someone else’s sense of purpose?

While it’s not even really the parents’ fault that they feel this way, they should be able to control the way that disappointment is conveyed to their children. It’s not my responsibility to ensure that my parent or my partner’s parents feel a sense of purpose or achievement by having children – nor is it anyone else’s responsibility for their parents. We also shouldn’t feel bad about it, nor have to manage their disappointment over it.

Grandchildren are not a reward for ageing or an inevitable milestone you’re entitled to reach. Perhaps it’s the responsibility of parents to rethink how they see grandparenthood and re-evaluate their expectations. And it’s definitely their responsibility to manage their own feelings about it and stop making their children feel terrible.