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Jenny Eclair

@jennyeclair

Jenny Eclair is a comedian, novelist and actress known principally for her appearances on ‘Grumpy Old Women’ and ‘Loose Women’, as well as an Independent columnist

<p>How can we go about our normal routines? </p>
Voices

How many of us in the UK would offer our homes to a Ukrainian family?

<p>A backstage loo is obviously essential</p>
Voices

Using a sink for a pee at my age is a feat of gymnastics

<p>Best of Breton: Audrey Tautou as Gabrielle Chanel in ‘Coco Before Chanel’</p>
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Stop telling older women how to dress – we know what we like

<p>I shouldn’t imagine the Queen thought she’d still be our reigning monarch 70 years after she first came to the throne back in 1952</p>
Voices

After 70 years, no one can deny that the Queen is a true grafter

<p>I’m seeing the story that surrounds the music and I also know what happens in the end</p>
Voices

Music is less important to me now I’m older – or so I thought

<p>This year, I’m going to drag my cooking into 2022</p>
Voices

Time to quit the quiche and drag my cooking into 2022

<p>Once every couple of years this lockup ‘gets sorted’ but between sort-outs the stuff builds up again</p>
Voices

Lockdown nesting has created clutter in every corner of my house

<p>The cinema was at about 50 per cent capacity, with people spacing themselves sensibly around the available seating</p>
Voices

I’ve got a mild case of ‘Omicron envy’ – have you?

<p>Hugh Grant and Martine McCutcheon in the 2003 romcom </p>
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After an operation, I’m in floods of tears over ‘Love Actually’

<p>I’ve given up on waiting to see whether the NHS can help </p>
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I’ve given up waiting for NHS help – what a pain in the neck

<p>Does the new omicron variant mean that Christmas will be cancelled again? </p>
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Should we plod on or panic in the face of the new omicron variant?

<p>How long does the jab take to kick in? </p>
Voices

I’ve been too afraid to go out without my booster jab

<p>Once upon a time, the office Christmas party provided gossip well into the new year</p>
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Farewell to office debauchery – Covid has killed the Christmas party

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Farewell to office debauchery – Covid has killed the Christmas party

<p>Once upon a time, the office Christmas party provided gossip well into the new year</p>
Voices

A Twitter backlash made me rethink what I share and where I stay

<p>My local supermarket has been showing gaping holes in surprising places for months</p>
Voices

It’s not worth getting mad about Christmas food shortages

<p>Bob Mortimer alongside Paul Whitehouse in ‘Gone Fishing’: Mortimer got the last laugh after abandoning his law career for the arts </p>
Voices

The government is trying to destroy the arts – we must not let them

<p>The Queen has been advised by her doctors to give up alcohol </p>
Voices

There’s no need to tell the Queen to cut out booze

<p>The Queen has been advised by her doctors to give up alcohol </p>
Voices

There’s no need to tell the Queen to cut out booze

<p>‘Once upon a time, fashion was easy to follow – now it’s a great deal more fragmented’ </p>
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Fashion in this country is dead – we all gave up after Brexit

<p>‘For every Captain Tom, there are many very elderly people who, given the choice, would rather quietly shuffle off this mortal coil’ </p>
Voices

There doesn’t seem to be any reason to celebrate living to 100

<p>It’s not just hotels that seem to be in a strange state of flux at the moment</p>
Voices

Pubs and hotels are no longer the bustling places they used to be

<p>‘A few years ago I may have idly speculated how useful a small inheritance might be when the time came’ </p>
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I’m used to the idea that I won’t get inheritance when my mother dies

<p>Many of the remaining shops are advertising ‘big discount’ sales</p>
Voices

London is turning into a ghost town – it’s tired and lacking in energy

<p>The truth is that some of us are more risk-averse than others</p>
Voices

Is anyone else finding life exhausting right now – or is it just me?

<p>Starter for 10: The ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ judges </p>
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Yet again I’ve been overlooked for Strictly – I can’t imagine why

<p>Masks are still mandatory on the Tube</p>
Voices

This bit of the pandemic is confusing – we don’t know our freedoms

<p>The truth is that some of us are more risk-averse than others</p>
Voices

Is anyone else finding life exhausting right now – or is it just me?

<p>Starter for 10: The ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ judges </p>
Voices

Yet again I’ve been overlooked for Strictly – I can’t imagine why

<p>Masks are still mandatory on the Tube</p>
Voices

This bit of the pandemic is confusing – we don’t know our freedoms

<p>Nice to see you again: Latitude Festival returned to Henham Park, Suffolk, over the weekend</p>
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Covid tests, a camper van and bed before 10pm – my weekend at Latitude

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Covid tests, a camper van and bed before 10pm – my weekend at Latitude

<p>Nice to see you again: Latitude Festival returned to Henham Park, Suffolk, over the weekend</p>
<p>They were having a ball and yes, maybe they <em>were</em> pretending to be at a club</p>
Voices

We should all give teenagers taking ‘selfies’ a break

<p>‘We’ve witnessed football being given some kind of golden ticket to do whatever it likes in a pandemic’</p>
Voices

Even beautiful things can have an ugly side – as we saw with the Euros

<p>‘Suffice to say, the drive to Cornwall took a mere eight hours’</p>
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If you’re going to the seaside, prepare to hate every minute of it

<p>Michael Douglas and Alan Arkin display a deep friendship in ‘The Kominsky Method’ that’s normally reserved for female roles</p>
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Nobody cares about older men – women get all the scrutiny on screen

<p>Michael Douglas and Alan Arkin display a deep friendship in ‘The Kominsky Method’ that’s normally reserved for female roles</p>
Voices

Nobody cares about older men – women get all the scrutiny on screen

<p>In New Zealand, but only a video call away...</p>
Voices

Keeping family close when they’re half a world away

<p>‘I genuinely don’t know how to cope with my upset and confusion over those who flout these rules and sneer at the rest of us’</p>
Voices

OK, I shouldn’t have sworn but the anti mask brigade make me furious

<p>June became very forgetful in the autumn of last year, after a fall in her flat</p>
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I can’t bring myself to move my mother ‘down south’

<p>The return to live stand-up has been been scary and exhilarating</p>
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Nothing beats the flutter of excitement before facing an audience

<p>Give me a break: there’s too much pressure to have ‘the time of your life’</p>
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Am I the only one who finds it impossible to enjoy going on holiday?

<p>‘Davina McCall’s documentary revealed a shocking statistic’</p>
Voices

I know it’s weird, but I rather enjoyed my menopause

<p>I now know I was wrong when I wrote Kate off as ‘dull’</p>
Voices

In the battle of Kate Middleton vs Meghan Markle, my money’s on Kate

<p>People have been quick to get back into socialising outdoors</p>
Voices

Coming out of financial – as well as a physical – lockdown is tricky

<p>Judges Patrick Grant, centre, and Esme Young talk to a Sewing Bee hopeful</p>
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I believe in wearing masks – but seeing them on TV shows is depressing

<p>London is open again – but we still need loos!</p>
Voices

My first post-lockdown outing was going so well – then this happened

<p>‘This tweet garnered more reaction than I expected’</p>
Voices

Be careful what you tweet about – I learnt that the hard way

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Be careful what you tweet about – I learnt that the hard way

<p>‘This tweet garnered more reaction than I expected’</p>
<p>‘I’m not entirely sure when my mother’s mind began to unravel ... she covered herself well, and we did the same for her’</p>
Voices

I saw my mother for the first time in seven months – we both cried

<p>If I received a fat windfall, I’d have a mature magnolia tree planted outside my window</p>
Voices

Spring unnerves me – I keep noticing how neglected everything looks

<p>Women wear glasses on TV either to show the character is plain or clever. Ugly Betty, for example</p>
Voices

This specs-hating culture is short-sighted

Voices

It’s my birthday – here’s what I’ve learnt over the past 12 months

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It’s my birthday – here’s what I’ve learnt over the past 12 months

<p>‘I’m not sure how much “normality” I can take in one go’</p>
Independent Premium

As the end of lockdown approaches, I’m not sure I’m ready

<p>Eclair’s new programme airs on Mondays</p>
Voices

I’ve waited all my life to land a presenting job on television

<p>I will admit to missing the physical act of going shopping</p>
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As lockdown eases, I can’t wait to do some ‘proper’ shopping

<p>Happier times: sunseekers on Hampstead Heath </p>
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I’m so bored, I’d even be happy to visit north London

<p>The Marsh family went viral with a lockdown ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’</p>
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I have never known how to listen to music, but I envy those who do

<p>As a performer and a writer with paper-thin skin, I totally sympathise with Mulligan</p>
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Carey Mulligan vs the critic shows revenge is a dish best served cold

<p>Boris Johnson hosts a virtual press conference on the coronavirus pandemic</p>
Voices

Britain is suffering more than other countries in this pandemic

<p>I miss seeing the world outside my London borough</p>
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Before Covid, I took walking further than my local park for granted

<p>In some respects it has the brain of a toddler intent on getting its head stuck between the bannister rails</p>
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Oh dear, I appear to have fallen in love with my robot vacuum cleaner

<p>Another vital piece of our ‘new year, new lockdown’ kit is a fire pit</p>
Voices

Another lockdown? Easy – you just need my personal survival kit

<p>Which hat will you be wearing on Christmas Day?</p>
Voices

How you behave at Christmas reveals who you really are as a person

Voices

How you behave at Christmas reveals who you really are as a person

<p>Which hat will you be wearing on Christmas Day?</p>
Christmas celebrations will be different for many families in 2020
Voices

My new phone is a pain and keeps reminding me of life before Covid

<p>Many people undertook crafting to cope with the stress of the pandemic</p>
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I’ll never underestimate the power of crafting again

<p>Street art that highlights the current fear of urban life is seen on the wall of Crazy Pedro’s pizza restaurant in Manchester</p>
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Since Covid, I can finally see the appeal of my ‘boring’ hometown

<p>Nothing is open in the hotel – the bar, restaurants, pool and gym are all shut</p>
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I’m thankful to be making TV in lockdown. But hotel life is no picnic

<p>Nothing is open in the hotel – the bar, restaurants, pool and gym are all shut</p>
Voices

I’m thankful to be making TV in lockdown. But hotel life is no picnic

<p>French ballet dancer Taïs Vinolo stars in the Amazon Christmas advert</p>
Voices

I know Amazon is bad, but their Christmas advert had me sobbing

<p>Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been holding regular kitchen discos, live-streamed on Instagram</p>
Voices

Thank you, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, for keeping us sane

Armie Hammer and Lily James in ‘Rebecca’
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I loved Netflix’s ‘Rebecca’ – but I wanted another leading man

Nicola Adams and Katya Jones on ‘Strictly’
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As ministers struggle with lockdown, the TV industry hangs by a thread

The Hepworth Wakefield
Voices

A short trip can do wonders for blowing away the Covid-19 cobwebs

Sarah Lamb and Edward Watson in Christopher Wheeldon’s new ballet, ‘Electric Counterpoint’ © Peter MacDiarmid/Getty Images
Voices

The arts sector can’t bring back the fun without a vaccine

New lockdown restrictions are predicted in the UK
Voices

I’ve got my chardonnay chilling in the fridge for lockdown 2.0

Running became popular when Britons were limited to one form of outdoor exercise a day
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I used to laugh at the lockdown runners – until I got weighed

The coronavirus pandemic has caused many hardships
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What a terrible dance coronavirus is leading us all on

No other company is needed when you have ‘The Sopranos’
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The Sopranos got me through lockdown. Now I’ve finished, what next?

A properly filled sandwich is a wonderful thing
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What I’ve realised is that there is nothing like a good sandwich

Holidaymakers in Padstow, Cornwall
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Holidays used to be fun – but now they feel like hard work

Children cool themselves in fountains during a heatwave
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The sunny weather has kept us all sane during the pandemic

Masks are now mandatory in most indoor public spaces
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Face masks are mandatory – but people still won’t take it seriously

Matt Hancock says GP appointments should be done remotely
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GP video calls are not all they’re cracked up to be

Pier pressure: Blackpool faces an uncertain future
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We're off to the great British seaside. It's like the 1970s again

Masks are now mandatory in most indoor public spaces
Voices

Face masks are mandatory – but people still won’t take it seriously

Matt Hancock says GP appointments should be done remotely
Voices

GP video calls are not all they’re cracked up to be

Pier pressure: Blackpool faces an uncertain future
Voices

We're off to the great British seaside. It's like the 1970s again

Jenny Eclair supplemented her income from early comedy gigs with waitressing and bar work. No chance of that for today’s young performers
Voices

The newest talent in stand-up comedy won’t survive coronavirus

A pub visit now would be anything but carefree
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To cheer myself up, I’ve resorted to reading old diaries

Newcastle Theatre Royal, which has announced plans to make half of its staff redundant
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Theatres are still closed and performers losing their patience

I certainly can’t afford an electric car and because most modern cars leave me cold, that leaves me with the bike option
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My Mercedes is ready for the scrapheap. Should I start cycling?

Graffiti paying tribute to health workers in London’s West End during lockdown
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I went back to work, but London’s deserted streets made me gasp

The writer with her mother before lockdown
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My mother has been alone for 12 weeks. I desperately want to see her

What will buyers in the capital get for their money now?
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I won’t let lockdown push me out of London

Roses... mercifully unafflicted by ‘swan neck’
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I can’t touch my mother or daughter, but I can love my plants

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