Come on, science boffins, get a vaccine sorted so the arts sector can bring back the fun we’re all desperately missing

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but the idea of telling people that they must put their dreams on hold indefinitely breaks my heart, writes Jenny Eclair

Sarah Lamb and Edward Watson in Christopher Wheeldon’s new ballet, ‘Electric Counterpoint’ © Peter MacDiarmid/Getty Images (Peter MacDiarmid/Getty)

I don’t suppose my career has ever been viable on paper. No one these days would advise any student to “have a bash at drama school and then see where it takes you”, and yet since I started working at the age of 21, I’ve paid the government over a million pounds in taxes, which seems pretty viable to me.

I have also, during my working life, spent vast sums of money on clothes, make-up, hair, theatre and cinema tickets, cabs, hire cars, trains, hotels, drinks, and meals. In good times I have splashed my cash around in fancy restaurants and designer shops, buoyed up the travel industry both in this country and abroad, and treated my loved ones. In tough times, I still paid my bills and I never once expected a paid holiday.

I think this is why so many of us in the arts feel so offended by the way our industry is being dismissed and ignored by the present government. Because for many years, we have been the ones keeping everything going; we are the ones who sold the tickets, baby.

Pre-Covid, we were the people who attracted tourists to the West End, filled your stadiums, regional theatres, clubs and pubs. We were the ones who put this place on the map culturally and made people want to visit from all over the world. And even when we weren’t hitting the big time, we were the ones who worked behind your bars, took your food orders and created that buzz that kept everyone happy and the tills ringing. We might not be the brains or the brawn of the UK, we might not be the business types or science boffins, but we provided this country with its stories, music and laughs. Despise us all you like, but without us, this island would be a pretty dreary little place.  

Back in the day, we took care of the fun so that you could get on with the boring stuff, because once you’d done your boring stuff, what did you want? A little light entertainment, some live comedy, a band? That’s right. And while we were there, giving it to you in spades, we were simultaneously contributing massive amounts of money to the GDP, bringing in the coach parties, filling up the pre-show restaurants and selling all those drinks.

So do you see how rude it is for the chancellor to throw around words like “viable jobs” and “retraining”, forgetting what a massive part we played in making this country what it once was?

How are those of us who have never done anything but show off for a living going to be absorbed into a workforce that no longer includes entertainment or hospitality?

Apart from the fact that we are sitting on a massive mental health time bomb here, the thing that truly sickens me is that there will be some people who are secretly thinking: “Well, serves them right, time they joined the real world, what did they expect? I never got to do what I wanted to do, why should they?” This is the kind of schadenfreude that comes from people who, despite loathing celebrities and “all that nonsense”, still demand the right to be entertained from their armchairs. Well, once you’ve got rid of us, you can kiss goodbye to all that.

I’m fortunate enough to have some savings and a sideline as a writer, but many of my post-50 performer friends aren’t so lucky – what on earth are they meant to do?

This is when the word “retraining” gets bandied about. Ha, taking out a massive loan in mid-life to start again completely from scratch? That’s a good idea. Or, I suppose, the other option is to give up completely and do a job that you hate and you’re not very good at, because in actual fact you’re an opera singer/professional bassoon player/contortionist.

Where are all these jobs for the out of work arts sector anyway? If the hospitality industry fails then retail will follow suit; we’ve already heard the news of the imminent collapse of the Edinburgh Woollen Mill, which also owns Peacocks and Jaeger, with the potential loss of 24,000 jobs.

Retrain they say. Well, how? We’re not all 18, some of us have homes and families to pay for, and I don’t know many middle-aged people who suddenly fancy putting themselves a further 40  grand in debt. In any case, who in their right mind would consider retraining at a time when hundreds of thousands of students are currently paying nine grand a year to sit in a box room studying online courses for careers that this government currently holds in contempt? And all this without the usual distraction of being able to get pissed and shag each other.

I don’t know what the solution is, but the idea of telling people that they must put their dreams on hold indefinitely breaks my heart. So come on you science boffins, get that vaccine sorted and in return we will give you back the fun we are all so desperately missing.