Jesy Nelson’s story is an object lesson in why we must be kind to each other – bullying kills

In an astonishing BBC documentary, the Little Mix singer revealed just how much harm she suffered at the hands of countless anonymous cyberbullies. We must recognise how important kindness is, and teach our children that brutal negativity isn’t normal

I’m too old to know which one’s which in Little Mix, the 2011 X Factor-winning girl band. Only now I do, thanks to Odd One Out, a BBC documentary aired last Thursday that features band member Jesy Nelson recalling her years of online abuse.

The Jesy we meet on the TV is now 28 years old. She is flawlessly made up, with foot-long lashes, plump lips and ever-changing hairstyles. In other words, she looks like loads of other pretty, heavily made-up twentysomethings, complete with tattoos and false nails. But it’s the eyes that haunt you.

Her eyes are very much her own, and throughout much of this heartbreaking hour-long programme they are filled with tears. And no wonder: Nelson has spent most of her twenties trying to be a pop star whilst simultaneously dealing with the most hideous online abuse, and all for being an average-sized woman in an industry that prefers girls on the anorexic side of petite.

How long does this have to go on? And why does it go on in certain sections of society so much more than others?

I live in a world full of successful chunky-thighed women happily ensconced in the limelight: comedy, where all body shapes and sizes are accepted, especially on the live club and festival circuit. The big girls and boys, the freaks, the gingers, the skinnies and the buck-toothed hairies usually start their set by cracking the most obvious gag against themselves. It’s a defence, a way of getting something obviously “weird” off the table to make way for the more important stuff.

We’ve all done it. Comedy audiences are pretty switched on these days, and I’d be shocked to hear a bitchy heckle about someone’s looks. In fact, I’d expect the rest of the audience to police that kind of behaviour. This isn’t the 1980s. But while comedy club heckling might be an old hat, online trolling is alive and vicious, not least because it’s mostly anonymous. It actually takes some guts to heckle a live gig, since you run the risk of the performer taking you to pieces. It can be a long and lonely walk to the exit. But it takes no such guts to slag someone off from an unknown distance knowing you probably won’t face any consequences.

Nelson says her post-X Factor bubble of happiness was pricked in an instant when she picked up her phone after the show only to read hundreds of social media messages telling her how “fat and ugly” she was. She wasn’t. She was just like any girl you see in Topshop on a Saturday afternoon. The Disney version of Nelson’s experience would have her playing a happy role model for all the other girls who don’t fit the XXS mould either. But in real life, the abuse proved too much, so she rejected her original self and created a new Jesy who’s under constant pressure to look perfect all the time.

The damage done to this woman was all over the screen. Nelson suffers from a form of PTSD and is barely able to look at the curly-haired, deliciously chubby-cheeked girl she used to be. In the programme, she was only able to stand a few seconds of footage from the X Factor final before begging to turn it off.

While Nelson survived an overdose attempt, many others aren’t so fortunate. Bullying is killing our kids, and you don’t have to be famous to receive anonymous messages telling you to top yourself. Other youngsters who spoke out in the programme about their experiences of cyberbullying mentioned suicide too.

These teenagers’ lives are being ruined by their contemporaries. How did we get here? Why have we lost our kindness, and who is teaching our children to be so vile? Well at the moment, we all are. Apart from all the toxic political arguing that’s going on amongst the grown ups, we are also bringing our children up in an environment of casual hyper-criticism.

We need to watch our mouths. It’s too easy to sit in an armchair and pass judgment at the telly: “Ugh look at her hair.” “She shouldn’t wear a skirt like that with those legs.” “Honestly, the state of it.” This nonsense needs to stop; we all have a duty to behave better. Young people have big ears, and we need to watch what we say in front of them lest they come to think that to be nasty about someone’s appearance is normal and acceptable behaviour.

Schools need to step in and step up too. If I had a kid at primary school today, the only things I’d really care about them learning would be reading, swimming, and kindness. Obviously other things are important too – but not as important as being kind, considering that not being kind can kill.

If you are experiencing feelings of distress and isolation, or are struggling to cope, The Samaritans offers support; you can speak to someone for free over the phone, in confidence, on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), email jo@samaritans.org, or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch

For services local to you, the national mental health database – hubofhope.co.uk – allows you to enter your postcode to search for organisations and charities who offer mental health advice and support in your area