Meet the Rees-Moggs on reality TV? Don’t mind if I do…

Personally, I can’t wait to get the inside scoop on the former Conservative minister, a man so old-fashioned he probably had to double-check with the producers that the TV cameras weren’t going to steal his soul…

What is it with Tories and going on TV? Boris Johnson had Have I Got News For You; Matt Hancock and Nigel Farage both did I’m A Celebrity; and who could forget Harold Macmillan’s turn as Cher on Stars In Their Eyes? (I might be misremembering some of these).

My point is, surely there are clearer paths to TV stardom than being a Conservative politician, of all things? Well, somebody tell that to Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has decided after decides of frontline politics to take the next logical step in his career: starring in his very own documentary/reality TV show for Discovery+.

The former leader of the House of Commons – arguably one of the bigger beasts in the Tories’ menagerie of electoral failure, after losing in his North East Sommerset constituency last week to Labour– will appear alongside his wife and children in Meet the Rees-Moggs, a fly-on-the-wall glimpse into the life of the man Britain voted “most likely to be bullied by the Bash Street Kids”. The show promises to “lift the lid on the man behind the public image”, which seems like a bad idea, since the worst thing you can do with a haunted artifact is open it.

It’s a baffling premise for a TV show – but that’s not to say that it won’t be good. After all, there are all sorts of people whose lived have made for good television despite them having no charisma, insights, or marketable skills. You could be born into a famous family, or date other famous people, or be the daughter of the man who represented OJ Simpson in his murder trial. These are just random examples.

Personally, I can’t wait to get the inside scoop on Rees-Mogg, a man so old-fashioned he probably had to double-check with the producers that the TV cameras weren’t going to steal his soul. Seriously though, how did are they powering those things? Last time I checked you couldn’t plug television equipment into busts of Margaret Thatcher.

Just imagine, an MTV Cribs-style tour of his mansion that shows us “where the magic happens” (the magic is necromancy). A look at his walk-in wardrobe, so grey and bleak that you’ll briefly wonder if your TV has switched to black and white. Speaking of TVs, I placed a bet on whether he owns one – if he does, I might be able to pay off some of the student loans his government saddled me with.

I wonder what he and his family do for days out? Maybe they’ll take a trip to a food bank – they are “rather uplifting” after all, according to the former MP. That’s assuming they can rouse him out of bed – we all know how much Jacob likes to lounge about.

Or maybe it’ll be like a proper reality show, with drama and name-calling and screaming matches. I can’t wait to see him get a bad Botox job and blame it on Labour. Or get in a screaming match with his sister because she thinks she’s prettier than he is. Or break down in tears because he lost an earring. Although that last part might be unlikely as, according to Rees-Mogg, he has never once cried in his adult life. What are you playing at, Jacob? In reality TV land, those tears you’re refusing to produce are liquid gold.

Inexplicably, Rees-Mogg isn’t the only prominent ex-politician to receive a dedicated television spin-off this year. Angela Merkel has somehow found herself the subject of German TV show Miss Merkel, in which the former chancellor solves crimes in the vein of detective shows with similarly unconventional protagonists such as Diagnosis: Murder, Murder, She Wrote and (obviously) Miss Marple. Unfortunately, Merkel will not be appearing in the series herself, as there evidently still some limits to the ludicrousness of our increasingly bizarre reality.

Hopefully this won’t be the last we see of ridiculous failed politician/TV crossovers. Give me hair and makeup with Penny Mordaunt. Or self-defence with Grant Shapps. Please, just let me see a ghost hunting show where Liz Truss explores old, haunted buildings. Hey, Jacob Rees-Mogg could be in that one too.

Or maybe Rees-Mogg can try a new genre after this show wraps up. How about a cooking show? Can’t Govern, Won’t Govern? Or a medical drama? Casualty (of Rishi Sunak’s incompetence)?

Why not? It’s not like he has anything better to do anymore.