We’re so lucky our government’s coronavirus figures are vague, now we can just use a lottery draw for updates

There are so few people tested, the numbers given each night for the rate of infections seem meaningless. They might as well make them entertaining

There seems to be an agreement that now is not the time to criticise. Because it’s alright to object to what someone in charge is doing, when it doesn’t matter. But when it’s vital, that’s when you should let people get on with whatever they fancy. For example, if there’s a fire and you see a firefighter filling his hose with petrol instead of water, now is not the time to start carping. Just get behind him with all your support and start spraying.

This must be why one newspaper printed a picture of a street in which everyone was out clapping, with a caption “Britons unite to proudly applaud PM for risking life to run the country”. It was a touching scene, depicting the love we have for him, even though it was actually a picture from the previous week when everyone in the street was clapping NHS staff.

This is encouraging, as what we need right now is a press that follows the rules of North Korea. Tomorrow they should print a photo of the crowd at Anfield when Liverpool beat Barcelona, and tell us “Scousers unite to weep in adoration for PM”.

The newspapers should carry out their patriotic duty, and tell us “Children flocked to St Thomas’ Hospital, and begged to lick the prime minister’s virus off him. Fights broke out amongst humble folk, eager to rub themselves against him and shriek in triumph ‘I’ve caught his glorious Covid’.”

Because we mustn’t allow anything to divide us at a time like this. That’s why The Sun tells us it’s “on the side of the angels”. Some people have pointed out that when junior doctors were campaigning for a pay rise, the same paper printed the headline: “Sack the doctors”, in which they insisted “if a few budding careers end abruptly, so be it”.

But they must have meant different doctors, such as doctors of philosophy.

This is why it’s such a mystery how so many NHS staff seem to be among the lowest-paid people in society.

It’s a complete mystery, why, in a period known as “austerity”, when the government insisted occupations such as nurses should have their pay frozen for several years, that nurses found themselves suffering from low pay. Maybe it’s been caused by a low pay virus, even more contagious than Covid-19. Nurses and cleaners only have to set foot inside a hospital and they catch it straight away, even if they wear a mask.

It’s unlikely austerity was caused by a policy called “austerity”, as that would mean the lack of resources at hospitals has been caused by less resources being sent to hospitals, but in any case, we should back the government in a time of crisis. They said three weeks ago “Britain was leading the way” on coronavirus, and it looks like they’re right. Because we’re set to sail past Spain and Italy’s figures, and current predictions suggest British casualties will end up way higher than anywhere else in Europe.

What could be the reason for Britain being less able to cope than other European countries? It’s another mystery. When we had experts such as Grant Shapps in charge, he said, one week before the lockdown, we would not have one, as “we’re not doing what’s happening elsewhere just because it’s a popular thing to do”.

That’s the spirit. We weren’t going to get pushed around by doctors and scientists, who were only insisting on keeping people away from each other because that’s what’s popular. Every year, the population demands: “Please please lock us in and make us stand six feet apart in the queue at Asda, I want to lose my job and spend all day watching Celebrity Squares from 1985 on Challenge TV.”

But luckily, Shapps insisted these medical idiots didn’t get their way.

Then we had a slight advantage, as we were the last European country to suffer a serious outbreak, which gave us the opportunity to see what worked in other countries, so that we could ignore it. We were like the last person to go in a skiing contest, who gets to see all the others and study the best route to take, and says “I’m going to do the same as that bloke, who fell off the edge of the mountain.”

So eventually we did the same as everyone else, but later, and with less resources.

But that can’t be the reason our figures are so bad, because that would mean being critical of the government. So it must be the British are more susceptible to the virus than other nations. It’s carried through fish and chips and cricket and the Tower of London.

As well as this bad luck, doctors and scientists all say mass testing is essential. So we’re lucky to have a government prepared to give us some of the lowest testing rates in western Europe, rather than give in to these people who want to test us all because it’s popular.

There are so few people tested, the numbers given each night for the rate of infections are meaningless. So they might as well make them entertaining, and have the daily figures decided by the machine they use for the National Lottery.

Each day it can be part of the press conference, so Dominic Raab can stand by the machine, pick up the ball that pops out and say: “Today the number of new infections is... 1,236.” Then an announcer can tell us “ooo that hasn’t been out since 28 March in Spain” and everyone can clap, to unite proudly behind the PM.