Woman asks if she’s wrong to skip brother’s wedding after she’s demoted from being a bridesmaid

She claims she spent ‘thousands of dollars’ on bridesmaid duties before demotion

A woman has questioned whether it’s wrong to skip her brother’s wedding and go on vacation instead after she was demoted from bridesmaid duties.

The 26-year-old woman, who goes by the username u/trashgirlfriend on Reddit, posed the question to the AITA [Am I the a**hole] subreddit, where she asked for advice regarding the situation.

In the post, the woman explained that she and her brother Tom, 36, have “never had a really solid relationship due to our age gap,” as it meant that he’d moved out of the house by the time she was “old enough to develop a personality”.

However, despite the lack of closeness in their relationship, her brother’s fiancée Sarah, 32, asked her to be a bridesmaid in their upcoming September wedding when the couple first got engaged two years ago.

According to the woman, although she assumed her future sister-in-law’s offer was just a “courtesy,” she still took the role seriously over the last two years, and ended up forming friendships with the rest of the bridal party.

She then revealed that she’d recently saved up enough money to purchase the $800 bridesmaid dress the bride requested for her bridal party, while noting that she’s already spent “thousands of dollars” on wedding party duties in the lead-up to the wedding.

“I have been a bridesmaid for the last two years. Just a few weeks ago I managed to save up to buy the $800 bridesmaid dress. Over all, in the last two years, between group outings to parties, dinners, lunches, clothes, etc… I spent thousands of dollars,” she wrote, adding: “Eventually all the girls in the wedding and I became extremely close and I started to get hyped for the wedding.”

However, according to the Reddit user, her soon-to-be sister-in-law recently became close with her other sister-in-law, Becky, and ultimately decided that she wanted Becky to replace her as a bridesmaid in the wedding.

“She dropped the ball on me that she no longer wants me to be a bridesmaid and she would prefer if Becky would take my place,” the woman wrote. “It broke my heart a little but it’s her wedding and it’s not my place to tell her how to run it so I said it was fine.”

WIBTA if I go on vacation instead of my brothers wedding?
by u/trashgirlfriend in AmItheAsshole

The woman said the situation worsened when she went to pick up her bridesmaid dress from her brother’s house in the hopes that she would be able to return it for a full refund. According to the woman, her future sister-in-law tried to prevent her from taking the dress, as the bride-to-be hoped she would instead lend it to the bridesmaid who was taking her place in the wedding party.

“Yesterday I went to my brother’s house to pick up the bridesmaid’s dress, and was going to see if I could return it since it was within the time frame. Sarah was completely appalled and said that Becky was going to wear it since she and I are the same size,” the woman wrote.

According to the 26 year old, she agreed to give Becky the dress as long as she paid her the full $800 cost of the gown, a request that the bride-to-be reportedly disagreed with on the basis that her replacement bridesmaid “couldn’t afford” the cost.

“I said that would be fine, but they would have to pay me the $800 for it. Sarah said that Becky couldn’t afford it and I should just be nice and let her use it and said that I could keep it after the wedding,” the woman wrote.

In the post, the woman said she explained to her future sister-in-law that she wouldn’t just give away the dress, and that she was “not ever going to use it after the wedding”.

“After some bickering back and forth I just ended up taking it and leaving,” she continued.

The 26 year old then revealed that her brother and his fiancé tried to “compromise” with her by offering her the title of “assistant flower girl,” an offer that she said she felt “offended” by.

“After I said no, they then said that Becky could give me 250 bucks for [the dress]. Again no and I returned the dress and got a full refund,” she wrote.

According to the woman, at this point, she also informed her brother and his partner that she felt they were being “extremely disrespectful” to her, and that she no longer had any intention of attending the wedding.

Shortly after the fight, the woman said the opportunity to take a vacation the same week as the wedding arose when a coworker offered her an extra round trip plane ticket to go to Miami, which she would sell to her for “half price”.

“Today my coworker says she has an extra round trip plane ticket to go to Miami that she’ll sell to me for half price plus I would have to pay for half the hotel and I can go hang out with her in Florida. The only downside is that I’ll be in Florida for the week of my brother’s wedding,” she wrote, before asking: “So will I be the a**hole if I just go party in Miami instead of going to my brother’s wedding?”

The post, which has since been upvoted more than 26,000 times, has sparked a debate in the comments, where many users have encouraged the woman to go to Miami and skip the wedding, while others have warned her the decision may ruin her relationship with her brother permanently.

“I wouldn’t even send a card - or even a congratulatory text - to these people. Asking [OP] to step down (essentially because she now likes her other sister-in-law better) is incredibly rude and insulting,” one person wrote. “Then add in the bulls**t about the dress, and the fact that OP’s already done two years of over-the-top bridesmaid duty and spent too much money. Brother and [future sister-in-law] deserve no common courtesy whatsoever at this point.”

Another said: “A 26-year-old assistant flower girl? Really? How insulting. OP, one of the nice things about declining an invitation is that you need not give a gift. A card of congratulations is all etiquette requires. And I think you’ve already overspent (both literally and emotionally) on this wedding.”

“Have a wonderful vacation in Miami!” someone else wrote.

Others assured the woman that she was not in the wrong in the situation, but acknowledged the potential ramifications if she is to skip the wedding.

According to one person, who agreed the couple had “disrespected” the OP, she doesn’t have to attend the wedding if she doesn’t want to. However, they noted that she “might not be able to ever be close with [her] brother if he finds out [she] chose partying in Miami over his wedding”.

“Also may affect what parents/other family think of you. But not sure if any of that is relevant,” they added.

Someone else agreed with the suggestion, as they claimed that the decision would likely “burn bridges” with the woman’s brother and his soon-to-be wife.

“But they were treating you so [poorly] it’s not a real loss,” they added, before suggesting the OP “reach out to her parents preemptively to explain why she’s skipping” the wedding, and also avoid mentioning the vacation at first.

According to another person, the woman should talk to both her brother and her parents before the wedding about her decision not to attend the event.

“I’d talk to your brother and your parents. Just tell all of them it’s clear he doesn’t want you there so you are making other plans,” they wrote, before suggesting: “Tell him the thousands you already spent was your gift.”

In a follow-up post, the woman revealed that, because her post had gone viral, it ended up circulating on TikTok, where it caught the attention of the woman who would be replacing her as a bridesmaid.

UPDATE! WIBTA if I go on vacation instead of my brothers wedding?
by u/trashgirlfriend in AmItheAsshole

“So unfortunately since Reddit is awful at keeping secrets, Becky saw the post on TikTok so she obviously let the cat out of the bag,” she wrote.

According to the woman, the situation divided her family, but, after a “heated argument,” it was “mutually agreed that [she] will not be attending the wedding”.

However, the OP said that her brother and her future sister-in-law “cannot seem to comprehend” that the decision is about “how they treated” her, and not about the dress.

As for how the siblings’ mother feels about the situation, the Reddit user said that it appears her mother is on her side, as she was the one who paid for her portion of the Miami hotel.

She concluded the post expressing her gratitude for the support she received in response to her post, before noting that it will allow her not to feel the “slightest bit guilty” while she’s in Miami.

The Independent has contacted u/trashgirlfriend for comment.