Fellow boomers, there’s an easier way to keep up with the trends of 2020 – and this is how

I’ve compiled a random list of catchphrases and buzzwords that we can confidently drop into the new year conversation and sound cool, without millennial condescension

Having spent Christmas in the company of young people, some of whom were actually under 30, I am going to have to face up to the fact that I am an old fart. A proper old fart.

I drink alcohol, milk from an actual cow and my bread is packed full of old-fashioned gluten, which makes my tummy swell up. I used to think this meant I was full from eating lots of yummy bread but now I’m wondering whether I too am allergic to the stuff; why else is my tummy so fat?

I’m confused. I was also confused over the fuss about the “Fairytale of New York” lyrics as sung by Ness and Uncle Bryn, but then I was also confused by why so many people were watching Gavin and Stacey on Christmas Day.

As 2020 rapidly approaches, I have a choice, I can either remain in old fart-land, listening to The Archers and being too embarrassed to ask what TikTok actually means, or I can attempt to keep up and get “with it”, thereby sparing myself from the barely suppressed sneers of my younger nearest and dearest.

So on behalf of myself and any other old farts (aka boomers), I’ve compiled a random list of 2020 trends, catchphrases and buzz words that we can confidently drop into the new year conversation and sound cool.

OK, for starters “cuffing” does not mean giving someone a quick smack around the back of the head, it’s a relationship thing. Short for “handcuffing”, it means getting together with someone, possibly for keeps but more likely for the “cuffing season”.

The “cuffing season”, is in full swing during the cold, dark winter months when snuggling up with someone and hopefully getting a decent Christmas present out of them is preferable to forking out for an electric blanket. Come the summer, the “cuffing season” is officially over and those who have been temporarily shackled up have the option of de-cuffing in time for the holidays. Nice.

Right lets get onto health and wellness, if you are an old fart you might say that gardening and swimming are your hobbies – this is because you are a dinosaur, so watch your language. From now on you don’t just “swim”, you are into “blue mindfulness”, which combines any water-based activity (but not that one) with an additional desire to save the oceans. Essentially, being into “blue mindfulness” sounds a lot groovier than nipping down your local leisure centre on a Monday night for the over-50s aqua aerobics.

Ditto gardening shall henceforth be referred to as “doing a spot of ecotherapy”. Ecotherapy is going to be big in 2020 as it’s been proven that being outside can have a positive effect on your mental health. Something to do with the benefits of “a breath of fresh air and blowing away the cobwebs” just like your nana told you.

Note to boomers, this does not include sticking your head out of the window for a fag.

Unsurprisingly, the wellness industry will continue to have us all firmly in its multi-billion pound industry grip for the foreseeable future. Lets face it, how many smelly candles did Santa bring you this Xmas? I got 12, which just goes to show how tense people think I am. Ha! Like a whiff of bergamot is going to sort that out.

Forget wax, new on the wellness scene for 2020 is “physical intelligence”, which basically boils down to managing four key physical elements: strength, flexibility, resilience and endurance, in addition to balancing your brain chemicals for that perfect “life-winning” cocktail.

In the olden days, we’d have mumbled something about “healthy mind, healthy body” and occasionally remembered to put our shoulders back. But obviously nowadays there’s more to it than that and I promise there will be many, many books to help you find your way to peak PI this coming year. However, if you need a shortcut, then “smiling at yourself in the mirror” and “jumping for joy” are all part of the routine.

Food wise, forget matcha. Guess what? There’s a new super nut on the block: the pili, which grows in the volcanic soil of the Philippine peninsula, is a polyphenol rich pip which can be roasted, sprouted, sprinkled, pureed, spread on toast or even on your skin.

Discovered by an American endurance athlete and kite surfer (gawd), pili nuts are available in this country right now. Just don’t expect anyone to open a bag and offer them around any time soon, not when a small pack costs around a fiver. This is due to that fact that the pili looks like a miniature avocado and the precious nut which is buried within the pit can only really be accessed by hand via a machete – and we all thought life was going to get easier in the future.

So there you have it in a pili nutshell, the old fart’s guide to keeping up with 2020. Good luck everyone, knackering innit? Now, about TikTok...