Your silly female brain is the reason why you're getting paid less than men

This completely explains why female curators keep coming up with ideas like “Let’s fill the whole room with mirror balls and glittery dolls’ houses!” while their male counterparts look on sympathetically and steer them toward the colouring-in section

Is this a male brain or a female brain? (Getty)

Another day, another reporter asking whether you have a male brain or a female brain - and this time it’s our beloved Daily Mail. “A study found that those with a so-called male brain have higher salaries than those with a female brain,” apparently, which almost – almost – sounds like men earn more than women. But don’t be so silly. It’s not because of gender discrimination that most women earn substantially less than their male counterparts – it’s because of their brains.

“So what distinguishes a female brain from a male brain?” I hear you cry. “I’ve heard it’s sugar and spice and all things nice, but goddammit I want the proof.” Well, never fear, because the newspaper in question has offered a handy information box to let you know how you can distinguish feminine grey matter from masculine. Being a man is all about “answering honestly when asked, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’” according to the article's wisdom, which makes sense because all the women I know are insufferable sycophants (hi Mum!) No doubt there is some serious science behind the original study, but the reporting of it has gone seriously awry.

You also “notice grammatical errors” when you’ve got a male brain, which explains why I keep trying to construct cogent sentences but then get distracted by my reflection in the computer screen and

Where men’s brains are all about abilities and preferences, female brains are all about overlooking information and generally behaving with childlike idiocy. The ‘male brain’ attributes are couched in terms of abilities, honesty and knowledge. Meanwhile, three out of five of the attributes listed for the female brain – “lack interest in the technical details of a new gadget”, “have little interest in the dates of key historical events”, and my personal favourite, the delightfully passive aggressive “focus on the beauty of painting rather than the artist’s technique” – concern a deficit of some kind.

Those female brains that just want to stare at the most colourful paintings in the gallery, like toddlers delighted by the sparkly parts of new toy, must be the real reason women end up going home with lower salaries. This completely explains why female curators keep coming up with ideas like “Let’s fill the whole room with mirror balls and glittery dolls’ houses!” while their male counterparts look on sympathetically, pat them on the shoulder and steer them towards the colouring-in section before they start taking down the Lowrys and replacing them with images from the Jimmy Choo catalogue. Remember that Lichtenstein exhibition curated by Bonnie Clearwater, for instance? Horrendous.

Really, when those with female brains can’t appreciate artistic techniques, technological gadgetry or even remember when World War II happened, it would just be irresponsible as a society to pay them for whatever sweet but fluffy schemes they come up with. For God’s sake, these women can’t even answer honestly when presented with a perfectly straightforward question about bottoms! Some men, too, of course – the inferior kind, who won’t be allowed to sit at the grown-ups’ table after dinner either.

The grown-ups’ table has to be reserved for things like political discussion, which explains why so few MPs are women. As more and more women insist on swamping parliament with their petty concerns, however, it’s important that men bite back. That’s why I’m totally behind Conservative MP Philip Davies, who recently brought up in a parliamentary committee the travesty of a lack of International Men’s Day celebrations. Considering parliament currently has a slot for women and equalities question time, he explained, it seems only fair.

Labour MP Jess Phillips, sitting on the backbench committee that allocates debate times, replied to his request: “As the only woman on this committee, it seems like every day to me is International Men’s Day.” Oh, Jess. Did no one tell you about the male brain and the female brain? If we don’t start celebrating the sensible male-brained cohort now, they’ll probably all leave the country, leaving us with a population who can’t even turn on their iPhones or explain to the next generation about how to use a paintbrush. That’s why we can’t tax the rich, either, I gather. But then don’t ask me; it’s not like I’m equipped to deal with technicalities.

(Incidentally, a big data study has come out today elsewhere that debunks the idea that there are brain differences in men and women. No need to thank me.)