This is what you were supposed to hear at the White House Correspondents' Dinner — before they decided against a comedian

The president has given his Democrat opponents for 2020 mean nicknames like 'Crazy Bernie' and 'Sleepy Joe'. They've returned the insult by referring to him as 'Donald Trump' and 'Eric's dad'

Last year, comedian Michelle Wolf performed at the White House Correspondents' Dinner (Reuters)

Tomorrow night is the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner - and President Trump won’t be in attendance again. This year he’s instructed his cabinet not to attend the dinner either.

For some, compliance with this request was easier than others. Mike Pence was never going to attend as it would set his oestrogen radar off. Sarah Sanders told the President she’d skip the dinner but will show up anyway. I guess she lied.

For the first time since 2003, the dinner will not have a comedian as the featured performer. Instead, the event will be headlined by Ron Chernow, who wrote the biography of Alexander Hamilton, an adulterous New York politician. Speaking of which: Donald Trump. The President himself won’t be at the event, but let’s take a look at what a comedian may have joked about if one was hired. Here’s what they might say:

The Mueller investigation has gripped Washington over the past year. Specifically Mueller’s report revealed that when Trump realised he was being investigated by the Special Counsel, he said “I’m f**ked”. Which is, ironically, the same thing the people who voted for the president as a protest said when he actually got into power.

The Mueller report shone a spotlight on the June 2016 Trump Tower meeting between the Trump campaign and Russians, which was fairly underwhelming. Turns out the Russians mistook Jared Kushner for a mime and tipped him for providing that evening’s entertainment.

Trump has got Europeans’ attention: he will make a state visit to Great Britain in June. It’s been a wild year in the UK too. Because of Brexit and the potential effects it will have on the economy, many political commentators are calling Britain a “banana republic”. Brits reject this label, saying they prefer to be known as a “banana monarchy”. Also in Britain, a debate in the House of Commons was suspended because of a purported sewage leak in the chamber, which was assumed to be a divine comment on the politics happening within.

Across the English Channel in France, Paris’ Notre Dame cathedral sustained damage from a fire. The Trump administration has offered to help pay for repairs, which explains Puerto Rico’s recent announcement to rename their island "Notre Dame”.

President Trump suggested using “flying water tankers” to extinguish the fire at the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. “Flying water tankers” was also his preferred method for redacting the Mueller report, but ultimately neither plan came to fruition.

Trump’s key policy goal is immigration reform. The administration isn’t against using infrastructure funds to advance immigration policy goals — for example with a border wall. Other proposals include flooding the New York City subway with rats to deter migrants from traveling there. When told that the subway is already full of rats, Trump said, “I don’t want these rats. I know a lot about rats. I know the best rats. I’m going to add the finest anti-immigrant rats to the subway.”

Speaking of New York, that’s where the President’s favorite show — Fox & Friends — is broadcast from. Fox News was super excited about the election of Ilhan Omar this year. They celebrated by reviving the word “anti-Christ”. This isn’t personal to Ilhan; it’s just Fox’s shorthand for hijab-wearing black female. Congresswoman Omar has become a controversial figure, and some Democrats said they were surprised that Michelle Obama didn’t say anything publicly to defend her. To be fair to Michelle, it’s not like she can relate to a black woman having her name dragged through the mud with fabricated smears.

It’s not just Omar who has had to deal with Republican ire: Trump himself is taking shots at the Democrats running for office in 2020 by giving some candidates mean nicknames; for example, “Crazy Bernie” and “Sleepy Joe Biden”. Democrats have returned the insult by calling the President “Donald Trump” and “Eric’s Dad”.

Trump also has a well-known nickname for Elizabeth Warren, who has 161 people on her campaign staff. One person actually works on the campaign; the remaining 160 search for countries that Warren can claim to be from.

Joe Biden announced his candidacy on Thursday. Biden’s first campaign fundraiser was hosted by corporate lobbyists, Republican donors and a health insurance CEO. Someone needs to wake up Sleepy Joe and tell him it’s not 2008 any more. Nowadays we have more progressive tendencies than that, which is why the Democrat frontrunner is an old white dude rather than Barack Obama.

Kamala Harris was one of the first Democrats to announce her run for president. She decided to run after seeing the administration’s family separation policies. Harris prefers to separate parents from children by prosecuting truancy.

Brian O’Conner also announced his intention to run this week. OK, he’s a made up candidate — but let’s be real, there are so many no-name candidates running you have no way of keeping up anymore.

CNN is hosting a series of Town Hall events to introduce voters to candidates. Every candidate gets a Town Hall. CNN is perpetually on countdown clock mode. It’s gotten so bad they have countdown clocks that countdown to their next countdown clock that counts down to the next commercial break — or the next time Kellyanne Conway lies on air, whichever comes first.

I could see CNN doing a special on the college admissions scandal. We’d learn more about how Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin coped in jail. I’d bet they’d insist that their prison food is approved by Goop and would refuse to wear orange jumpsuits because orange is out this season. Their role in the college admissions scandal even made it to Jeopardy. For the answer “Felicity Huffman faces jail time but not her husband William H. Macy”, the question was, “What is patriarchy?”

It’s fun to joke about the news media, but the White House Correspondents’ Dinner is about celebrating the first amendment. A free press helps hold the powerful accountable. It ensures that presidential candidates release their tax returns to the public and cabinet officials do not redact reports from Special Counsels or spin the report’s contents before publication.

A free press also means that writers can satirize elected officials and political events. That’s definitely something worth celebrating.

Ali-Asghar Abedi is a satirist and freelance journalist. Follow him on Twitter @AbediAA