Welcome to Jane Austen, the car park

Determined to get out and about today on your Bank Holiday Monday treat, but still not quite sure where to go? Here are some of the countless attractions on offer!

Railtrack Engine Boot Sale

For the first time Railtrack is opening all its rail depots this holiday Monday to have the sale of the century! Yes, you can actually turn up and buy Railtrack shares over the counter! Come to a Railtrack engine boot sale and buy things like, well, Railtrack shares. That's all that's on sale, actually - Railtrack shares. But just think of the advantages, because if you buy Railtrack shares NOW you can GIVE them back to the Labour government later to show your faith in public transport! That, as a matter of fact, is probably the only way left for Railtrack to sell its shares, hence its new slogan: "Please Please PLEASE buy Railtrack shares now so that you can give them back to the Labour government later...."

The Sense and Sensibility Heritage Tour

Last year's tourist attraction sensation was the Making of Pride and Prejudice Heritage Tour, whereby millions of people who had never read the book went to see the places where the TV series was filmed on which was based the best-selling book, "The Places Where Pride and Prejudice Were Filmed and Where to Park Nearby". Now the same treatment is being given to the Oscar-laden "Sense and Sensibility", adapted by Emma Thompson, and you can join the queues to see the actual place where Emma Thompson first had the idea for adapting Sense and Sensibility, etc, etc. The resulting book, "The Sense and Sensibility Heritage Tour Guide", is being turned into a six-part series by the BBC for next autumn.

Rare Cow Farms, off A-roads everywhere

Come and see cows while they still exist is the message from many farmers who have decided to turn their dairy herds into tourist attractions while they still have them, much as they did with their elm trees in the days of Mad Elm Disease. A few of the more desperate ones are advertising their farms as SYO (slaughter your own ).

The Conservative Chicken Run

This is a new cross-country route which the organisers hope will come to rival the Cotswold Way and the Devon Coastal Path. It follows the traditional routes taken by Tory MPs as they flee from their present marginal seats to adopt safe ones in the Tory heartlands, followed by their wives, children, accountants and mistresses. There are many different byways, and they all criss-cross the legendary Lamont trail, the twisting, winding path taken by Norman Lamont in an effort to find a local constituency party that would accept him, or, indeed, remember who he was.

The Mohamed al-Fayed Joke Factory Open Day

Recently the estimable owner of Harrods bought another ancient British institution, the corpse of Punch magazine. He has decided to revive it and start it going again this autumn. Rumours that Mr al-Fayed had no sense of humour were silenced when he humorously appointed as new editor Mr Peter McKay, a man with no known connection with humour or, indeed, editing. In the newly instituted Mohamed al-Fayed Joke Factory Mr McKay has been instructed to come up with some new wacky ideas, and after a long pause he has just come up with his first - the notion that Mohamed al-Fayed should start his own political party. Much to McKay's embarrassment, al-Fayed has taken this idea seriously and has gone ahead with it, not realising that it was McKay's way of satirising James Goldsmith. Now the Joke Factory is open over the weekend to see if McKay can come up with a second joke, or, indeed, improve on his first one.

The Bath/Leicester Trial of the Century

Queuing has already started for the so-called Pilkington Cup Case, in which Leicester Rugby Club are asking the High Court to overturn the last- minute penalty try awarded against them at Twickenham on Saturday, thus depriving them of a grindingly dull victory. Many more people will be queuing up to ask for the money back for their tickets, as they paid to see a game of rugby and not a dreary re-enactment of the more boring bits of trench warfare from the First World War.