Veganism is over... and, as a vegan myself, I couldn’t be happier about it

No more ‘cheezly’ slices? Farewell, ‘beeph’ burgers? Good riddance, says meat-and-dairy-dodger Paul Clements – who wants mass-produced vegan sludge anyway?

Would some meat-substitute cheer up your salad? (Getty/iStock)

The collapse of VBites, the British food company that kept supermarket shoppers in “cheezly” slices and “beeph” mince for 30 years, whether they wanted it or not, is but the latest sign that the vegan bubble has not so much burst as de-natured into a weird-tasting, processed sludge.

Despite the reported ongoing fashionability of meat and dairy-free diets, VBites – which had been stewarded by celebrity vegan Heather Mills, and billed itself as the “original plant-based food pioneers” (although another Beatle wife, the late Linda McCartney, might have had a bone to pick with that…) – had struggled to turn a profit.

And if not now, after the plant-based food boom of 2018, around the time Waitrose became the first British supermarket to throw its significant weight behind a dedicated vegan section in its stores – and with another PR-supercharged Veganuary just a matter of weeks away (squee!) – then when?

It’s almost as if charging sirloin prices for ultra-processed meat substitutes is a cow-hiding to nothing.

As a vegan, I ought to be more supportive of such food-tech wizardry. Certainly, my waistline is testament to too many midweek meals built around dubious plant-based freezer staples. Quorn’s country pies and blessed Linda McC’s meatless sausages – from grill to plate in 15 mins! – fill the vegan hunger gap. Just don’t tell me what’s really in them.

Like a bad smell that spreads silently through a packed commuter carriage, it was office workers who first realised that there was something in the air... and that the, um, bottom had fallen out of the vegan market.

Sandwich chains that had leapt on the meat-and-dairy-dodging bandwagon, launching plant-based options galore, mostly to the anathema of anyone who tried them once, have spent 2023 quietly rationalising their selections.

Plant Kitchen, the Marks & Spencer vegan range launched in 2019 – which included a few passable lunchtime options – is a shadow of its former self. It’s been well over a year since I’ve found a no-egg and watercress sandwich on sale in a chiller cabinet.

Angry vegans (is there any other kind?) have inevitably taken to the internet to demand that Boots reintroduce its “Bugsy” carrot-and-hummus sandwich, and that Subway does the same with its “currently on hiatus” meatless meatball marinara. Meanwhile, all but two of London’s once-prolific Veggie Pret stores have closed. It’s enough to make you bring in your own nourishing packed lunch.

Of all those high-street vegan sandwiches we have lost – cue mournful Bafta in-memoriam music – the only one I really miss is Pret’s PLT, an admittedly delicious, plant-based equivalent to its BLT, made with roasted shiitake and chestnut mushroom “rashers” (no idea) and a schmear of vegan black pepper and parsley mayo (really don’t want to know).

I’ll always have their rocket, tapenade and avocado baguette – but if Greggs were ever to discontinue its vegan sausage roll, a best-seller ever since it was introduced in 2019 and seemingly impervious to the plant-based downturn, I swear I’ll do time.

I went vegan six years ago, after three decades as a veggie, in part to give me the strength to turn down sweets and biscuits. If I didn’t do dairy any more, I suddenly found an untapped reserve of willpower that meant I could just say “no, thanks” to cakes and chocolate. But my vegan conversion coincided with an explosion in new plant-based confectionery... and I couldn’t help myself.

Funny things happen when vegans are denied something they crave. Last year, during my weekly shops, I struggled to find Quorn’s vegan frozen fishless fingers, so I went looking online. There, they were changing hands for more than £40 for a packet of 10.

Perhaps those who say vegan diets are unhealthy are on to something.