How to spend a Covid lockdown Valentine’s Day if you’re single and looking for love
There are still ways to build relationships in these strange times
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Your support makes all the difference.My single friends living alone are having an especially horrible year. Yet surprisingly, despite the raging pandemic, some are finding love.
Although it’s a dangerous — and miserable — time to date and mate, social isolation and loneliness can also kill you. As a fix-up fanatic who has set up more than 30 marriages and was miraculously matched up myself, I have suggestions on how to conquer coronavirus desolation this Valentine’s Day.
Pursue passion with protection
Using free apps like Match, eHarmony or Bumble, you can flirt shamelessly, share sultry Selfies and Zoom-date someone different seven nights a week without risking illness.
Send sizzling letters, emulating Napoleon and Josephine. Learn the art and angles of Skype sex, creative sexting (and blocking), saving you cash on commuting, bouquets, and birth control. Get Austen-esque by postponing in-person meetings — or intimacy — until after immunization.
If you’re too shy or frizzy from 11 months sans hair-styling, replayBridgerton’s steamiest scenes or practice your audio-erotica for future partners.
Screen better
Since indoor meetups and parties are perilous, consider Facetime, Google Hangouts, phone dating and Zoom drinks. Instead of hooking up quickly, slowing down could ensure you get budding romance right.
My student Michael met Kate online in December. She blew off his “slightly obnoxious” first text but responded to his quasi-apologetic second attempt, he admitted. They talked for hours on their first telephone rendezvous before he was deemed mask-worthy of a socially distanced walk. The build-up was exciting. He never had to work so hard to see a woman’s face before and wasn’t disappointed.
Bolster brain trust
Fear and desperation are good motivation to stop swiping the same cliché hot losers who’ll disappoint you. Use the difficult lockdown as a learning curve to choose better. In How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love, behavioral scientist Logan Ury advises singletons to screw the spark. Take a chance on someone admirable, comfortable (and not crazy) for a change.
After the initial blind date with my husband, I told the (happily married) friend who’d set us up that he was “very smart and sweet, but not my type.” She said, “Your type is neurotic, self-destructive and not into you. Go out with him again.” I’m thankful every day I did.
Google the one who got away
Social media can reveal when past crushes become available. If they do, message your ex an innocuous, “How are you holding up?” That’s how my college classmate Judy wound up back with the cute bar mitzvah boy she’d danced with decades before. And after Donna Hanover’s divorce, she married her high school sweetheart, getting a hotter husband and a book deal forMy Boyfriend’s Back.
In my case, after dating for three months, my husband and I split (when he kept rambling about his old girlfriend.) Returning three years later when they were really over, all was forgiven.
Quit bad habits
I don’t know who decided liquor stores are “essential businesses,” but alcohol, cigarettes and drugs are unsuitable substitutes for intimacy. In fact, the global health crisis caused an increase in accidental opioid overdoses and suicides.
Getting clean and sober, I learned that “addicts depend on substances, not people” and my addictions were keeping me alone. Losing toxic substances leaves room for something beautiful to take their place.
Take this time to heal
Most counselors, psychiatrists and analysts are now doing tele-therapy 24/7. Many offer sliding scales for those in need. Replace your lost social life with a healer to help you end destructive patterns and let go of old grudges. If your current connection is faltering, try couples sessions.
The head doctor we saw helped my shy, commitment-phobic husband propose during a session — and I still call the therapist in question for tune-ups.
Find a change agent
If you can’t land a lover or shrink, get innovative. Ury met her husband through a dating coach. An older boss introduced me to mine; I repaid the love gods by playing matchmaker many times over.
Email someone in your life who is happily married to get advice, support, or see if they know any impressive solo players you can meet.
Invest in yourself
If you’re ready for a little reinvention, the internet offers doors into new worlds. Tons of people in my Zoom writing classes published poignant debut pieces, several leading to books. A yogi friend launched a booming remote business. An out-of-work masseur I know indulged his artistic streak, selling his paintings on Etsy. A student driving for Uber got her real estate license. As my therapist said, “Love doesn’t make you happy. Make yourself happy. Then you’ll find love.”
Susan Shapiro is the author of The Forgiveness Tour: How to Find the Perfect Apology
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