I've had a peek at Trump's tax returns — and they're everything you'd expect

I wasn't surprised to see how much he'd put aside for hand enlargement surgery

Many people have said that crocodiles and sharks are the same (AP)

Democrats finally issued a subpoena for President Trump’s tax returns this week. Trump said he was “not inclined” to release them. Of course, subpoena power means Trump doesn’t have a choice. But it’s not shocking that a guy who boasted about grabbing female genitalia struggles to understand the concept of choice.

Ever since that subpoena, liberals have been excited to find out exactly what skeletons are in the President’s closet — metaphorically speaking, of course. For those waiting with bated breath to see what the Donald’s taxes contain, let me spare you the suspense. I’ve had a look at them, and they contain only the expected:

$1,000,000 on trips to Chuck E. Cheese (Trump loves their ‘hamberders’)

$1,500,000 to his therapist who helps him make the most of his “very, very large brain”

$2,500,000 for a private security detail on his date nights with Ivanka

$2,000,000 to prevent Google searches of “Tiffany Trump”

$150,000 on toys for Don Jr (particularly Nerf guns and Play-Doh)

$600,000 to get Rudy Guiliani’s head surgically removed from the president's digestive tract

$4,000,000 in charitable donations to research for cancer caused by windmills

$20,000,000 to shark-proof Trump Tower - rumor has it that the movie Sharknado left him petrified about the pending invasion of a caravan of sharks. “I know sharks. I know the best sharks. And this caravan of sharks is not getting close to Trump Tower,” said Trump as he mimicked a crocodile with his hands. When told that crocodiles and sharks are not the same, Trump responded, “Many people have said that they are”

$1,000,000 on hand enlargement surgery

Another $3,000,000 annual retainer, this one to the Birth Certificate Manufacturing Center (BCMC). Upon Trump’s request, the BCMC is investigating whether Snoop Dogg’s birth name was indeed Snoop Dogg.

$500,000 in membership dues to the Kim Kardashian Klub

$250,000 to Getty Images for shirtless pictures of Vladimir Putin

$750,000 to Getty Images to photoshop pictures of James Comey and Robert Mueller hugging and kissing

$2,000,000 on a solid gold bone-saw (a birthday gift for Saudi Crown Prince Muhammad Bin Salman)

$2 on a rock for Angela Merkel’s birthday

$1,000,000 to get Theresa May to listen to his Brexit negotiation advice

$12,000,000 on elocution lessons for Jared Kushner

A further $12,000,000 on consultants to help Jared complete financial disclosure forms. Or, as Jared calls it, “How I got into Harvard”

$4,000,000 to get John McCain to say thank-you for his funeral from the grave

$35,000,000 each to Nepal and Bhutan in a bid to get them to rename themselves “Nipple” and “Button” respectively

$15,000,000 on a family vacation to Nambia

$80 applying for a German passport since his father was born in Germany

$20,000,000 in royalties to Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty for licensing the mascot’s orange skin tone

$6,000,000 on a lawsuit against Google for not producing his image on searches for “world’s greatest guy of all time”

Of course Trump’s Treasury Secretary — and definitely not a Bond villain — Steve Mnuchin said that he will “comply with the law” on the Treasury releasing Trump’s tax returns. Mnuchin need not worry since Mitch McConnell is already drafting a bill to change the law. But nobody will notice since the media will be fixated on which table Beto O’Rourke is standing on.