Where will Trump go after his presidency ends? I have a few ideas

Literature gives us some clues as to where the 45th president might end up

Assuming that President Trump cannot move into Mar a Lago when he leaves office and that any more secure housing options would need to await further events, he will need to consider the most suitable options for a man of his particular needs. Trump may wish to bypass South Florida real estate professionals and instead consult the advice of a Florentine who died 700 years ago.  

The poet Dante provided the most compelling tour in history of the cosmic real estate that our soon-to-be ex-president should properly occupy. In the Inferno, Dante described nine descending circles of Hell. Other than the first stop — Limbo, for those who are morally blameless but did not have an opportunity to embrace Christianity — Trump should have plenty of inventory to choose from, or to have chosen for him.

The first stop is Lust, a familiar place, perhaps reminding Trump of sweaty late nights at Studio 54 in the 80’s. But there will be no grabbing of genitalia or groping of porn stars for our ex-president. Rather, those damned to the second circle are punished by an endless tempest of fierce winds, representing the power of Lust to blow one around aimlessly and eternally. It will be a bit like Puerto Rico or the Gulf Coast, but without the chance to throw toilet paper. What a disaster for the Trump combover. And way too windy for golf.  

But Trump will not tarry long in the neighborhood of Lust, as he is likely to be shipped further downward to the next stop, Gluttony, where Dante drops the overindulgent in a vile slush produced by unceasing, foul and icy rains, symbolizing the cold vacuousness of their voracious behavior. So difficult to keep the Big Macs hot in this unhappy place. The grounds of this circle of Hell are also covered with digestive organs, which must be most unwelcome to a germophobe like Trump. Please ask to be seated far away from the lower intestine.  

It is unlikely Trump will linger here either, as he is likely to hike slowly down a long, steep ramp. Soon, he will feel even more at home when he arrives at Greed. He may have learned back in the 80’s that greed is good, but not so much in the underworld. Here, those who are avaricious or those who are prodigal about getting and spending money (check and check) are boiled alive in molten gold. Of course, a gilded Trump may then match the décor in his various properties and the gold could perhaps be harvested to pay some taxes, but it still sounds like an unpleasant process and not conducive to future tweeting. But at least he gets a statute somewhere, even if he is inside, perhaps replacing a Confederate general.

But the journey is hardly done. On to Anger, the fifth circle. Here, the perpetually raging are sunken “into a black sulkiness which could find no joy in God or man or the universe.”  And as for finding no joy in anything, that sounds like a normal day in the Oval Office, at least when he can’t go out and rouse the crowd to undertake a coup on his behalf.

The next circle to check out would be Heresy, including those who worship false idols and devils. Finally, after all that dark and icy weather, it is starting to get warm, as heretics spend eternity being singed in an ever-burning cemetery — like a golf course in Palm Springs in August, but with a slightly older demographic. Perhaps Trump will be allowed to bring the idols that he worship with him — “really good people” he truly respects, like Putin, or Kim Jong-un, or his 2016 campaign team, or the Proud Boys. Sorry, Mr President, you cannot linger here, despite being surrounded by so many people you love.  

It is time now for Violence, where those who have acted violently toward others are boiled in a river of blood and those who showed violence against God wander among the burning sand dunes and brimstone of the Abominable Sands. Desert or river — how to choose? Sure, he had peaceful protesters teargassed so he could hold a photo-op clutching an upside-down bible. Nevertheless, he did seem to try to avoid violence outside the United States, especially with respect to FOV’s (Friends of Vlad). And when the riots started, he was not leading the Capitol insurrectionists, despite his promise; he was watching peacefully on Fox.

Now it is starting to get really warm and the president is finally seeing some really high-end properties, just right for him. The eighth circle of hell is Fraud, an extremely dark place for those who use lies and deception for personal gain. Dante subdivides this circle into ten ditches, each with a different type of punishment for the particular type of fraud. It feels like a gated community with lots of congenial neighbors.  

There is a subdivision for seducers, one for grafters, one for sellers of pardons, one for hypocrites, one for those who give false advice for their own benefit, one for promoters of schisms or discord, and one for falsifiers who promote the false as real. So many fine ditches to choose from for Trump, but I would have to go with the pit for grafters, who are thrown into a river of boiling pitch. And he would have a fine view from the tar across the fairway to the second pit, where flatterers are immersed forever in a river of human excrement. No Clean Air or Water Acts in Hell. Mr, President, try to get a spot downwind from Poo River.  

It is so tempting to just close the deal for the eighth circle but the gravitational pull to go down to the final circle is too great. So, at last, we arrive at the Ninth Circle, Treachery. While location is everything in real estate, this place is furthest from the light of God, the Pluto of human morality, the darkest of all the circles.  

To get into this exclusive community requires betrayal of family as well as community. Not to worry; Michael Cohen can fill out the application for you. Here in the Ninth Cirle, our former president can chill out in the frozen lake of Lake Cocytus, which entraps traitors, with Lucifer himself frozen into the very center. How long will it be until “The Apprentice: Ice Follies With Special Secret Guest Star” is live and streaming from a moral universe near you?  

Eric Lewis is a human rights lawyer and a board member of the parent company that owns The Independent