Trump is launching a new social network — and it’s going to be everything you ever dreamed of

(If you’re a white man with a victim complex, that is)

Donald Trump has been blacklisted from most social media apps since January. (Getty Images)

Traditional TV is a dying business and Trump knows it. The real fun is on social media. And so what great news it is that the former president is planning a return to social on his very own platform, according to a spokesman on Fox News today. Jason Miller told Fox’s MediaBuzz that The Donald will be launching a network that is bound to attract “tens of millions” of users and that will “completely redefine the game”. This big return is due, apparently, in just a few short months.

But what would a Trump social network look like? If you’re thinking it would be just like the dumpster fire on existing social networks but without the cute dog photos and #blessed hashtags, you probably wouldn’t be far off. But since this is fully Donald-directed, it would also be so much more. Because Trump would get to rewrite the rules on how a social media network operates.

Rather than being asked “What’s happening?” before filling out a post, on Trump’s social network, users could be asked “What have ‘many people’ said today?” Sadly, though, users won’t be able to fill out their own posts. This is because they’ll be presented with a menu of words which invariably ends up as noun + verb + Crooked Hillary + time. The most popular post is expected to be “Secretary of Agriculture was stabbed by Crooked Hillary and Sleepy Joe last Wednesday”.

Hillary Clinton’s presence on Trump’s new social network doesn’t end there. Users will be verified based on the number of times they’ve threatened her life. The quickest way to verification will be to show proof of the FBI investigating your threat to the former presidential candidate and First Lady. Bonus points if you can also prove that investigation will focus on exactly what you were doing in Washington DC in the vicinity of the Capitol on January 6th 2021.

In fact, verification on Trump’s social network will have tiers. Gold verification is for callous white men with a victim complex (think Stephen Miller or Piers Morgan). Silver verification is for models and waitresses at Hooters, or Miss America contestants who haven’t put on weight. And bronze verification is for anyone who works on Trump’s tan.

Of course, it’s not all fun and games on this new site. Most Black and brown people — and definitely the Muslim ones—  will be pre-emptively and indefinitely suspended in a bid to show how tough Trump is on immigration. Except Kanye West and, at a push, Candace Owens.

There will be a special feature that prohibits Don Jr, Eric Trump and Tiffany from following their father. Meanwhile, fake accounts pretending to be Barack Obama and Jeff Sessions will be limited to one follower each — just for the MAGA jokes. There will also a fake account called “Hidin’ Biden” which will never post in order to support Trump’s claims that Biden is still hiding in his basement.

As you might expect, this proposed social media platform will be very flattering to Trump himself. All photos will automatically enlarge his hand size and reduce his waist size. In addition, Trump will photoshop himself into the profile picture of every Playboy model on the site.

The site will also be evangelical-friendly. In other words, Jesus will get a verified account. This account won’t post anything original but will re-post anything Trump says.

In terms of content, get ready for Trump to moan that the Oscars were very unfair for not nominating him despite Trump being the original gold man. And because it’s a Trump social network, the site will of course be a cesspool of lies, threats and white grievance. But none of it will count as bullying, even if the people on the receiving end of those lies and threats say they’re being bullied. An arbitration committee led by anti-bullying expert Melania Trump will take decisions on that, and it’s said that most of the submissions to the committee will simply generate the automated reply: “I really don’t care, do u?”

The only morsel of truth will be Ted Cruz’s account, which will correctly identify him as the Senator from Cancun. Trump will assign himself 10 billion followers — which he will assert is the real number of Americans who voted for him in the 2020 election.

The site itself won’t make any money. Not because Trump won’t try to monetize it, but because everything he touches turns to dust. If the former pres has proven anything in his several decades in the public eye, it’s that he’s a terrible businessman but a master brander. That’s why his proposed social network will lose the investors millions but will, on the bright side, be called COVFEFE.