Fellow globalists, it’s time we admitted to MAGA folk that the conspiracies are true

Now that the Illuminati, Chrissy Teigen, and Ukraine have helped put Joe and Kamala in power, where's the harm in revealing what we have in store for the next four, eight or, ideally, hundred years of Democratic rule?

QAnon Social Media-Shortcomings (Copyright 2018 The Associated Press. All rights reserved.)

When the electoral college confirmed that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris had won the 2020 election, plenty of people in the US and around the world experienced an unfamiliar sensation: palpable relief. And while MAGA quislings and goons have worked tirelessly to subvert the will of the voters — filing bogus lawsuits, flirting with violent sedition, spewing conspiracy theories — in the end much of their scheming boils down to routine GOP malignancy and spite. Nothing new under the sun.

The real story of this election, it turns out, is not that Donald Trump and his running mate, what's-his-face, evidently enjoy losing over and over again. The real story is that we few — we happy, globalist, NATO-friendly, pronoun-fluid, New Green Deal-curious, Christmas-cancelling, pro-science few — can finally share the secret we've kept under wraps for years.

The conspiracies are true!

Well … strictly speaking, some are true. Others are not. Alas, we're not at liberty to reveal which of today's popular conspiracy theories are based in reality and which — in the words of antifascist elites and coastal eggheads — are "cuckoo for cocoa puffs."

Therein lies the key to all misinformation: Keep people guessing and you'll keep them under control. And the more unhinged the intrigues, the better. How else to explain some of the beliefs that millions of Americans hold dear? Obama founded Isis! Sandy Hook was staged! Covid is a hoax! Soros is directing Antifa from a bunker on the moon!

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled," Keyser Soze reminded us, "was convincing the world he didn't exist." The greatest trick those of us who operate in the shadows ever pulled was convincing people to accept conspiracies riddled with logical inconsistencies.

Consider the theory that has dominated the national discourse in recent months: The election was rigged! Okaaay — but at least some Republicans and Trump-appointed judges have verified that there is zero evidence of widespread voter fraud. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

Is it possible that both scenarios are true? That MAGA voters were cheated and the election was fair and secure? Perhaps the best way to answer that is by citing F. Scott Fitzgerald's famous observation: "The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function."

Say what you will about the QAnon faithful, Michael Flynn groupies, ammosexual militias, and other such folk: If nothing else, they function. They function like crazy.

Regardless, now that the Illuminati, Chrissy Teigen, and Ukraine have helped put Joe and Kamala in power, where's the harm in revealing what we have in store for the next four, eight or, ideally, hundred years of Democratic rule?

For example, there's a very good chance that we will:

— Repaint the government's black helicopters a mellow, dusty mauve, by order of the incoming Joint Chiefs of Gorgeousness, the Fab Five.

— Confiscate all privately owned semi-automatic weapons, blunderbusses, Super Soakers, Swiss Army knives, and Mike Huckabee action figures.

— Replace portraits of Washington, Lincoln, Jackson, Grant, and Franklin on American currency with Harriet Tubman, Woody Guthrie, Dolores Huerta, Sitting Bull, and Bruce Lee. Hamilton will remain on the 10-dollar bill, but his portrait will look a lot more like Colin Kaepernick.

— Defund, disarm, and depants the police.

— Pay a universal basic income to registered Democrats in Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin. A tidy sum will be sent to everyone in Finland, too, just to make Laura Ingraham and Lou Dobbs cry.

There are many more such actions in the pipeline, but we prefer to keep them a surprise. If we learned anything from Trumpism, it's that much of the fun the MAGA crowd had while torpedoing democracy, brown-nosing dictators, downplaying the pandemic, applauding war criminals, embracing white supremacy, treating the Oval Office like an ATM, smearing patriots, demonizing journalists, dry-humping the flag — much of the fun of such reckless extremism derives from watching exhausted citizens trying to predict what fresh hell might be coming next.

Keep people guessing and you'll keep them under control. Some theories never grow old.