The Top 10: Jokes

A collection of childish, silly and very slightly amusing one-liners from our favourite microblogging website

(Moose Allain/Twitter)

As is traditional at this time of year, and even if you’re not going away on holiday, I bring you a round-up of some of Twitter’s best. Cartoon by Moose Allain. Follow him on Twitter. And here is some of his stuff.

1. Delighted to announce that I have won a Drinking Milk Like A Cat competition! Just doing a lap of honour. Moose Allain.

2. What do we want? A really fast cat to run past! When do we want it? Mmmeyowwwww! Paul Eggleston.

3. Still angry at my classmates for voting me Most Likely to Hold a Grudge. Viktor Winetrout.

4. Two birds sat on a perch. One says to the other: “Can you smell fish?” Dave Gibbs.

5. The hill I will die on is probably that cheese rolling one. Glowypanda.

6. Why won’t people talk about slow ghosts? Because they’re the last taboo. Moose Allain.

7. Someone’s just 1.27 centimetred my joke about cockneys and the metric system. Glenny Rodge.

8. A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated. It’s just a curd to me. Robert Wilkinson.

9. My girlfriend just said I was rubbish at describing her. She’s got a cheek. Glenny Rodge.

10. Three friends and I imbibed too much cider, and after singing so long that our throats were sore, we created a huge, misshapen crop circle. We were the four hoarse men of the epic ellipse. Odin the Aardvark.

Next week: Historical figures undeservedly rescued by fiction, such as Thomas More, hardly the principled paragon depicted in A Man for All Seasons.

Coming soon: Silliest policies ever proposed, after the idea of a bank holiday if England won the Euros.

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk