I'm the one who made Tomi Lahren call Trump a 'jackass' in Hindi. Here's why I actually did it

I waged $85 that a prominent Trump supporter wouldn't bother researching exactly what 'ulloo' really meant

American conservative intellectualism is on sale. How do I know this? I just bought it for $85 via the Cameo app.

For the uninitiated, Cameo is an app that allows people to pay (often washed-up) public figures to say anything they are told. And so, I paid conservative commentator Tomi Lahren $85 to call President Trump a jackass. To be clear, she didn’t actually say “jackass”: she said “ulloo”, which literally means “owl” in Hindi, Urdu and Punjabi. But colloquially “ulloo” means “jackass” and the term is only used pejoratively in India. That’s right — Tomi sold out, albeit unknowingly, for just $85. What price dignity, eh?

Lahren thought she was calling Trump wise, but ended up insulting the man whose presidency her entire career is based on. Maybe her brain was fried from taking the President's advice about ingesting bleach. Or maybe she was easily duped because she's lacking in intellectual curiosity and only offers arguments that a toddler would call reductive. Either way, waging $85 that she wouldn’t bother to research the meaning of “ulloo” felt like a safe bet. Ultimately, Lahren got $85 (minus whatever commission Cameo takes) and India got to laugh as her clip ended up appearing across the country’s news networks.

But we shouldn’t just pick on Tomi Lahren — because the reality is that it could have been any other pro-Trump commentator who fell naively into such an obvious trap. Ben Shapiro, Jesse Watters, Mark Levin, Sarah Palin or Kimberly Guifoyle could have fallen victim to the same prank just as easily (although in the case of Guifoyle, she probably won’t appear on Cameo because her vocal performance at the RNC will probably convince Aerosmith to have her replace Steven Tyler.)

And why did I do it? Admittedly, it's juvenile — but given that the Republican National Convention may be beyond satire, pranking the likes of Lahren may be one of the few ways we can derive comedy from this absurd event. After all, the RNC has been reduced to a cast of caricatures that closely resembles a comic book convention for villains only.

Actually, that’s not fair to comic book villains — because Mike Pompeo can make The Penguin look like he graduated from Harvard summa cum laude. And unlike RNC speakers Eric Trump, Tiffany Trump, Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr, comic book villains don't get their gigs because their dad in the villain-in-chief. They have to make their own way through hard work and charisma. And isn't that really what the American Dream is all about?

For anyone worried about the career or the personal feelings of Tomi Lahren, I’d say: don’t weep. I doubt Tomi is too upset. Because she loves capitalism — and today she played a joyous part of it for Trump-doubters the world over. At least she can take some solace in the knowledge that what she said came at a fair price.