I was once the proudest of Conservatives – but now I look at Theresa May and despair

I was prepared for the fact that changing the Conservatives from within might not always be easy, but I could never have imagined what it was actually like on the inside

After Brexit things returned to male, pale and stale days of old (AFP/Getty)

Watching Theresa May’s conference speech, I laughed and cringed along with the rest of the nation. The sketch writers must have been pulling their hair out: how could they compete with that?

Aside from all the other gaffes, Theresa May wearing a bracelet emblazoned with images of the feminist icon Frida Kahlo, a Communist who dated Marxist revolutionary Leon Trotsky, felt bizarre. As a woman and a proud feminist I want to support a female PM – but let’s face it, she just makes it too hard to do so.

Since the speech, we have even seen her anger more people – this time Florence and the Machine and Calvin Harris, for using their music without permission. Calvin Harris summed it up, “I do not support or condone happy songs being played at such a sad event.”

I despair – what on earth are all these people doing there in the audience, blindly supporting arguably the worst UK government I have ever known?

But I also had a much more personal reaction. A friend’s words hit home: “Shaz – you used to be one of them.” My immediate reaction was “No!” Then I laughed once more, and realised that the way this party has changed from the days that I was a member makes the Conservatives completely alien to me, and many like me who naively believed David Cameron when he addressed conference in 2009. He stood proudly in front of a sign that said: “Ready For Change.” (And in case you are wondering, no – the sign didn’t fall down).

I was once the proudest of Conservatives. I’ve been a Conservative candidate for Parliament, I’ve spoken at conference, I’ve taken part in their social action projects, travelled abroad with members of the shadow cabinet and other candidates. I wore my Conservative T-shirt, or sometimes even my Margaret Thatcher T-shirt (sadly, I’m not kidding) with pride. I sat in the front row at many a spring forum and party conference, and indeed I’ve even once shared a platform with Theresa May. Yet I now shudder at the very thought.

My friends from other political parties often joke that they “miss” David Cameron. When, in 2007, he appointed the first Muslim woman to his shadow cabinet, in the form of Sayeeda Warsi, I thought: “Here is a man promising to change the face and feel of his party – and delivering on it.”

Slogans like “mending our broken society”, “big society not big Government” and “Vote for change” appealed to me deeply. For a while I was one of the party’s darlings, and had a seat in the thick of it to see it all unfold.

Looking back at my time in the party, I see now that I was protected by some senior Conservatives who desperately wanted the party to modernise. But there was still those within the party who looked at me like I was a novelty, or even from another planet. Often I would get comments like “Where is your family from?” The baffled looks on their faces when I would proudly say that I was born in Caerphilly, Wales and have East African and Asian heritage spoke unintentional volumes.

Fast forward to June 2016, and I was tirelessly campaigning for Stronger In – yet all the while thinking “why are we even having a referendum?” David Cameron arguably did more as Prime Minister to damage our country than any other since the war, through holding the Brexit vote. A vital issue for the future of the entire country was carelessly thrown out to a public vote, to honour an election pledge made to a party faithful still asking for a blue rinse and lamenting the fact that the days of the British Empire are long gone.

I should have left the Conservative Party years before I did. I recall the day exactly when I should have left. They have a detailed parliamentary candidate selection process, which involves writing essays, interviews and in-tray exercises. I was over the moon to have been approved onto the list of prospective candidates.

I applied and was called for an interview at a Welsh association. I didn’t get far. I suspect this was perhaps because I looked different. How else could one explain why a woman of Asian descent was asked by a panel of old white men: “What are your views on the rule of the British Raj?”

I have always believed that you have to be part of the process to make positive change in any party. I was prepared for the fact that changing the Conservatives from within might not always be easy. But I’ve yet to figure out how a question about the rule of the British Raj should have any bearing on the Conservative party’s candidate selection process.

A significant part of the Conservative Party remains obsessed with the British Empire. Over-privileged white men pushing blindly forward with Brexit is nothing but a throwback to the British Empire mentality of “Britain knows best”. All you have to do is look at Liam Fox’s utterly delusional plans for a major increase in trade relations with the Commonwealth, and the associated talk of “Empire 2.0”.

Or witness the nostalgic imperialist Foreign Secretary that is Boris Johnson, who saw fit to recite Kipling’s Mandalay poem in a Buddhist temple, much to the despair of the UK Ambassador.

I often turn on the news these days and feel revolted when I hear the latest party goings on. Voices like Boris Johnson, and Jacob Rees-Mogg, telling us from an out of touch, over-privileged, elitist male point of view what is best for us makes me despair. It’s time for a new Government and the Conservatives don’t have what we need.