Theresa May’s conference speech: what she said – and what she really meant

Our chief political commentator provides a translation of the prime minister’s words in Birmingham

What Theresa May said: We remember the sailors who shovelled coal into hellfire furnaces in the bowels of battleships.

And what she really meant: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my vision for our post-Brexit future.

What she said: I’ve seen the trailers for Bodyguard, and let me tell you – it wasn’t like that in my day.

What she meant: Unlike some people, Boris Johnson, I can tell the difference between fiction and reality.

What she said: Let’s say it loud and clear: Conservatives will always stand up for a politics that unites us rather than divides us. That used to be Labour’s position too. But when I look at its leadership today, I worry it’s no longer the case.

What she meant: Let us divide ourselves from that Marxist fanatic while spouting platitudes about unity.

What she said: Today millions of people, who have never supported our party in the past, are appalled by what Jeremy Corbyn has done to Labour. They want to support a party that is decent, moderate, and patriotic.

What she meant: That’s why some of those strange people who work in advertising are talking about setting up a new centre party. Meanwhile, we have got right-wing things to do.

What she said: [We are] a party not for the few, not even for the many, but for everyone who is willing to work hard and do their best.

What she meant: We are the party for the some. For everyone except people we don’t like. For everyone who shovels coal into the hellfire furnaces. Plus pensioners of course. We are also the party for them.

What she said: Security is the bedrock of freedom … the freedom that swept across Eastern Europe when the Soviet Union collapsed, and nations were reborn in sovereignty and independence.

What she meant: What Jeremy Hunt should have said in his ridiculous leadership bid the other day.

What she said: No institution embodies our principles as Conservatives more profoundly or more personally than our National Health Service.

What she meant: Substitute “as the Labour Party” and Corbyn could have said the same last week. I am not letting them own that territory.

What she said: We have had disagreements in this party about Britain’s membership of the EU for a long time. So, it is no surprise that we have had a range of different views expressed this week. But my job as prime minister is to do what I believe to be in the national interest.

What she meant: The Tony Blair gambit: win points for candour – divided party – then use it to show leadership. I’ll do what I believe to be right even if my party hates it.

What she said: Britain isn’t afraid to leave with no deal if we have to. But we need to be honest about it. Leaving without a deal – introducing tariffs and costly checks at the border – would be a bad outcome for the UK and the EU.

What she meant: I am not afraid of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.

What she said: Our proposal … would protect our precious union – the seamless border in Northern Ireland, a bedrock of peace and stability, would see no change whatsoever.

What she meant: Nothing will change; nothing will change (except that I won’t call it the Chequers plan any more).

What she said: We would be out of the Common Fisheries Policy, an independent coastal state once again.

What she meant: Like on those medieval maps of Europe where they squeeze the British Isles into the corner at the forgotten edge of the continent.

What she said: With control of our borders, we can do something that no British government has been able to do in decades: restore full and complete control of who comes into this country to the democratically elected representatives of the British people.

What she meant: Which I didn’t want to do, when people voted in the referendum, despite being the home secretary who stuck so faithfully to that absurd promise to get immigration numbers down.

What she said: We will be able to reduce the numbers, as we promised.

What she meant: Only if we shut down immigration from outside the EU as well, which I never did when I could.

What she said: If we all go off in different directions in pursuit of our own visions of the perfect Brexit, we risk ending up with no Brexit at all.

What she meant: Which is what I argued for in the first place, so it’s swings and roundabouts, really.

What she said: We have fundamental strengths as a country … English … global language ... universities … free trade … But our greatest strength of all is the talent and diversity of our people.

What she meant: Our greatest export is prefabricated slabs of cliché.

What she said: Don’t let anyone tell you we don’t have what it takes: we have everything we need to succeed.

What she meant: I think I’ve packed everything.

What she said: There’s a whole world out there. Let’s lift our horizons to meet it.

What she meant: You may need a visa to get back in.

What she said: Even some in the Labour Party admit their programme of nationalisation, and their endless expensive promises, would cost £1trillion.

What she meant: I intend to fight the next election. Labour couldn’t believe I let them get away with the £1trillion costing last time. Not going to make that mistake again.

What she said: We need to make markets work in the interests of ordinary people again … [That’s] why we introduced the energy price cap. Announced at last year’s conference, and in place for this winter.

What she meant: Well, it was announced at the 2013 Labour conference, by Ed Miliband. But everyone liked it so we’ll have it.

What she said: The British people need to know that the end is in sight. And our message to them must be this: we get it.

What she meant: The light at the end of the tunnel is a train coming in our direction.

What she said: A decade after the financial crash, people need to know that the austerity it led to is over and that their hard work has paid off.

What she meant: Prepare for the next recession.

What she said: We stand at a pivotal moment in our history. It falls to our party to lead our country through it.

What she meant: It is all about to go horribly wrong and there is nothing we can do.