Brexit deal or no deal: Theresa May has no right to be 'irritated' by questions about her future

It is hard to watch two grown adults in their sixties pointing nervously at a jar of chrysanthemums and not wonder whether they might only have called that general election to give them something to talk about

We must assume that one of the reasons Theresa May agreed to let a BBC camera crew follow her around for a fortnight in the middle of the white heat of the ongoing Brexit wildfire is that she might manage to come across as something vaguely resembling a normal human being.

And as she and husband Philip sat in their sitting room, staring at ITV’s The Chase with the kind of unsettled intensity traditionally only seen in science fiction movies at the point of first encounter with extraterrestrial life, it is fair to surmise the panic whirring behind her eyes was not because she definitely knew but just couldn’t remember the capital of Burkina Faso, but rather it was the suddenly certain knowledge that this high risk, low gain gamble wasn’t going to pay off.

Not now, anyway, not after your husband has tried to cut through a silence as icy as the Arctic winter by pointing at some chrysanthemums and saying, “I like those chrysanthemums”. And then you tell him, “Actually they’re dahlias”. And then it turns out that actually, this is a common conversational trope in the private May quarters because Philip replies: “Haha, why do I keep getting chrysanthemums wrong?”

Brave would be who criticised a couple well into their fourth decade of marriage for being found a touch wanting in the small talk department, but the question is whether all of us are paying the price. It is hard to watch two grown adults in their sixties pointing nervously at a jar of chrysanthemums, sorry dahlias, and not recall that on a walking holiday not that long ago, the pair of them, might just have decided to call a general election for want of anything else to talk about. Guys, it’s not just the chrysanthemums you keep getting wrong. Lol.

Elsewhere, in BBC Panorama’s Deal or No Deal special, the usual Brexiteer psychopathic tropes were reassuringly present. David Davis popped up to blame Theresa May for “blinking first” in the negotiations, and feared she might “blink again”. Davis, of course, would never have blinked, so if you’re looking for someone who will gladly chain themselves to a train track and absolutely definitely not blink as his own impending doom approaches then Davis is your man. Though why you would be looking for such a man is not immediately clear.

And on the train theme, there all of a sudden was Davis’s replacement, little Dominic Raab, who generously did his bit in the ratings battle, deploying a surprisingly lifelike Grant Mitchell impression, luring back in the large viewing demographic which might not have realised EastEnders had finished fifteen minutes ago.

I have just about stopped laughing now, but sitting on the Eurostar with a full camera crew standing in the aisle, he really did point his finger at the BBC’s Nick Robinson, and say he was “too busy for all the media nonsense”.

Rarely can a puffed up little politician have puffed up his own little balloon then punctured it himself in so few seconds. Call in the media, then tell the media how busy and important for the media, as I am dealing with this huge needless crisis that I caused myself. Raab makes David Brent look like a statesman.

All of this was just stock footage to cut around the show’s central purpose, which was a long sit down interview with Theresa May, and if the Prime Minister is working as hard on Brexit as her own gag reflex did during her toe curling chat with Nick Robinson then surely nothing can go wrong.

At times, she seemed to imagine that if she just swallowed hard enough and fast enough the questions Nick Robinson was toxifying the atmosphere around her with might somehow be sucked away. At others, she knew the words she herself would have to contribute would only make things worse, and they left her throat like that cloud of death ants that were once sucked out of bad guys by that twelve foot tall convict in The Green Mile.

How did she feel, as prime minister, when the governor of the Bank of England had come into cabinet and told them that house prices could drop by a third, not because of a war, or a crisis, but because of a political decision?

“Well Nick, well, well surely the real question is why do I look like I have just eaten an entire packet of Jacob’s Cream Crackers in a single mouthful and am doing my level best to keep it a secret?”

At one point, Nick Robinson had the audacity to ask her if no-deal Brexit would be the end of her, and this, she said: “This is why I get a little bit irritated. It is not about my future. It is about the future of the UK.”

Poor Theresa eh? It’s not as if she, then one of the country’s most senior politicians, went to live in a cave during the referendum campaign of 2016 and somehow ended up as prime minister. Now she has to suffer the injustice of someone daring to ask her if she’s given any thought to how all this might work out for her?

All of which means there is barely even time to mention Jacob Rees-Mogg popping up to do an impression of Dirty Harry, telling Theresa May to “go ahead punk” and “make his day”.

His day, by the way, is the one that looms in a few months time, when he and his hard Brexiteers might be asked if they have the “courage” to vote down Theresa May’s Brexit deal and hand the country a no-deal Brexit instead. It’s a funny kind of courage, having the balls to push everyone the country under the bus while you sit back entirely insulated from the consequences. But this much at least was clear, they’re definitely brave enough to do it.