Theresa May has consistently voted for the worst option throughout her political career – there's something to be said for that

As a politician it’s a major selling point, so you can say, ‘At least I’m not like that untrustworthy arse who opposed apartheid and Section 28 and Pinochet and the Iraq War’

Why does she bother? It must be a nuisance being prime minister, so you have to be driven by a determination to change something. But Theresa May can’t do anything except cling on, like a fishmonger who’s told he can keep his job for a few more months but only if he agrees to not sell a single fish.

Now she’s going to tour the Conservative Associations and persuade them to back her offer to the EU. Maybe she’ll be as successful as the last time she ran a campaign to change people’s minds, and managed to go from a 20 per cent lead to a 3 per cent lead in only three weeks.

If she can repeat that level of persuasion, there will be announcements such as: “Following the speech tonight by the prime minister in Guildford, the local Conservative Association amended their position of opposition to the Chequers agreement, and has now affiliated with Isis and begun a joint invasion of Sweden.”

Boris Johnson will try to win the support of local Tory members by saying, “I am minded in the circumstances towards the virtues of sharia law, peace be upon him, carpe diem and all that.”

This will spark rumours of a leadership challenge, but somehow she’ll cling on for a few more weeks.

Michael Gove will try to assassinate her with an explosive rambling stick, but she’ll say she doesn’t see the need to sack him from the cabinet as he’s got some marvellous ideas about celery tariffs and she’ll stay on until October.

In between these visits, she’s travelling around Europe to persuade other governments to soften their demands, with the interesting tactic of taking Jeremy Hunt.

In his last job he did so well at changing opinions that he persuaded thousands of doctors and nurses, who have been trained throughout their adult lives to remain calm and relaxed under extreme stress, to go: “BRING HIM HERE, SO I CAN WIRE HIM UP TO A DEFIBRILLATOR AND ZAP THE TWAT – I DON’T CARE IF I’M STRUCK OFF.”

You feel Jeremy Hunt could be placed in a room of Trappist monks, and within 20 minutes they’d all be going, “Hnnnnnn ynnnn ooooooo”, while the abbot wrote “Stay strong brothers” on a piece of parchment.

So nobody will probably take any notice, and while Hunt and the prime minister make their speeches, the European governments will watch clips of dogs on a waterslide on their phones.

Then the entire cabinet will resign so she’ll appoint Ted from the car park to run Northern Ireland, and cling on. And maybe this makes her perfect for the times. Because it’s hard to see what she really thinks about this, or anything else.

For example, yesterday was the anniversary of the Section 28 law being passed, which banned teachers from talking about being gay. Theresa May supported the act at the time, saying: “Most parents want the comfort of knowing Section 28 is there.”

But she doesn’t seem to support such a law now – so when did she change her mind? Does she regret supporting it then?

It’s the same with the war in Iraq. She supported the war, now accepts it didn’t go as well as hoped, but doesn’t appear to have any idea why she supported it or what changed her mind, or be at all bothered she might have been wrong.

I suppose we all laugh off our past mistakes over a glass of wine in one of those conversations about the silly things we did. Someone says, “I once put diesel in a non-diesel engine”, the next says, “I put toothpaste in my hair because I thought it was shampoo”, and the next says, “I voted for a war based on a premise that turned out to be nonexistent as advised by most of the world, enraging millions and making a global furnace that couldn’t possibly be much worse. Oh, and even more silly, I ran through a field of wheat.”

Throughout the 1980s, May was an enthusiastic member of a party whose leader declared Nelson Mandela was a terrorist, and who was friends with a South American dictator. There’s no record of her ever commenting on this, which is right and proper, because you can’t be an effective politician if you’re expected to have opinions on trivia such as apartheid and torture.

On every major issue, she’s supported the side that’s turned out to be awful. And that’s why being a politician is her perfect job.

In any other job, this might cause trouble. If you were a plumber, and every major plumbing job you’d attended resulted in the building getting flooded and condemned and full of rats until it floated down the hill and crashed into the Post Office, you might struggle to get work.

But as a politician it’s a major selling point, and you can say, “At least I’m not like that untrustworthy arse who opposed apartheid and Section 28 and Pinochet and the Iraq War.”

Even on Brexit, she supported Remain, but now is committed to Brexit, and doesn’t seem at all bothered that she claims to be fighting for the very thing she opposed. Maybe this is how she clings on, not troubled by having to have a reason for doing so, destined to stay forever.

Maybe Britain has become so impossible to govern it will declare itself cut off from the world like Albania in the 1950s, and then be invaded by the Faroe Islands, and there’ll be a coup organised by the National Trust, then global warming will melt everywhere except for Watford and we’ll be overrun by jellyfish – then the news will be that Theresa May is likely to face a challenge soon but for now she’s managed to just about cling on.