Theresa May ranted with all the gravitas of an adult toddler – and with all the effect

When all bargaining positions are gone, all that remains is volume – if you scream loud enough someone might relent or take pity

Forty-eight hours after Theresa May became prime minister it was instantly apparent there were important aspects of the job that were going to be entirely beyond her.

It was the weekend, there had been an attempted coup in Turkey, and so it was required of her to speak for the nation by saying some very brief platitudes down a TV news camera, which she found she couldn’t do without looking very obviously petrified.

From there, the disaster of the 2017 election was, with hindsight all too clear to see. She was never going to be a great leader.

But what was never, ever clear was that she would be reduced to this, which is to say summoning the cameras, wheeling out the lectern and then snarling and spitting at other world leaders, whose interests are not aligned with hers, for not giving her what she wants.

The most tragic thing of all is that she was too weak to do it when it counted. If she was going to stand up to these EU leaders, who evidently she feels ambushed her and embarrassed her, by sticking to the position from which they have not altered in months, the time to do it was right then, in Salzburg.

Instead she stuttered, stared and panicked her way through her press conference, almost, at times, seeming to hold back tears – in the way you occasionally see when a fully grown adult gets mugged on the street and cries, revealing the frightened child within.

What was truly pathetic was that here she was, 24 hours later, back in the UK, her composure regained, talking all tough to the bigger boys from a safe distance, like the roughed up school kid who waits for his attackers to run off before announcing he’s going to go after them.

The best way to track the UK’s leverage over the European Union is to track the price of the pound against the euro. The best price you’ll find in recent times was on 23 June 2016, when the UK was still a member of the EU and not expected to leave.

As she raged like, well, like someone who has completely lost control, the pound sunk yet further, and that will surprise no one. When you publicly announce the only card you have left is howling anger, don’t expect the money to fall in behind you.

Of course, to the Brexit faithful, all this is fine. The angrier Theresa May gets, the clearer it is that the EU is being unreasonable. That it is us that voted to leave, that they didn’t ask for any of this, is so obvious a point it has long since been forgotten.

“I will not break up my country,” she wailed towards the end, doing her very best impression of the leader she is not. In her quiet moments, you do wonder if she has come to think of herself as some towering figure, at her country’s hour of need. As if the grave peril she must face down for us all has not been entirely self-inflicted.

That the source of all this anger and resentment is the determination to avoid a hard border in Ireland is the most laughable aspect of all.

At the end of Theresa May's rant, the UK position appears to be thus. We've said how we want to avoid a hard border. You've said no. But be under no illusion, we are so determined to avoid a hard border, we are not afraid to walk away without a deal at all, which will, of course, mean an instant return to a hard border.

It was the behaviour of an adult toddler. When all bargaining positions are gone, all that remains is volume. If you scream loud enough someone might relent or take pity.

“Throughout this process,” she howled, “I have treated the EU with nothing but respect, the UK expects the same.”

That’s entirely untrue, by the way. May has got previous experience of getting out the Downing Street lectern and spitting fire at the European Union. The last time she did it was in May last year, when she narrowed her eyes and thundered at the “bureaucrats of Brussels” who she imagined were seeking to interfere in her election.

What she said then, by the way, was that if we "let the bureaucrats of Brussels run over us, the high paid jobs we want for our children and grandchildren just won't be there". How do we think that's going exactly?

The fire didn’t quite take, in the end, and a few weeks later she self-immolated by mistake. Read into that what you will.