Theresa May has ‘taken control’ of the Brexit negotiations. God help us all

Could Theresa May’s ‘personal control’ of Brexit go the same way as her personal control of the dementia tax, the taking in of Syrian refugee children, the return of grammar schools and the energy price cap? Fingers crossed...

When brand new Brexit secretary Dominic Raab stood at the despatch box of the House of Commons on Tuesday afternoon he was the holder of arguably the biggest non-job in the country.

But by the time he had dashed straight from there to his first appearance before the Brexit select committee it had been made public that he was in fact the holder of arguably the biggest non-non-job in the country.

It has been well known for some time that a civil servant called Olly Robbins has been informally in charge of Brexit, a truth that only became more self evident as Robbins sat by Raab’s side throughout the select committee hearing, wearing the kind of counterfeit grin the single market was expressly invented to keep out.

As the two men took their seats, Downing Street published a written ministerial statement that confirmed Theresa May would be taking personal charge of the Brexit negotiations herself, with Raab merely “deputising for her”.

The old story of the Chinese zodiac springs immediately to mind, except that with the riverbank finally approaching, the rat is now jumping off the ox’s back, but landing several feet short of dry land and plopping directly in the drink. Except there is no riverbank, just a thundering ravine and precious little time available to argue about who is to blame for the imminent demise.

Raab exuded news of his de facto demotion with the kind of easy air that causes one to wonder whether it really is mere coincidence he has never been seen in the same room as Begbie from Trainspotting.

Seen up close, Raab is frankly terrifying. He is the angry cop in an ITV police drama, sneaking in late at night to destroy the CCTV footage of that “incident” in the cells with the suspected nonce. He is the provincial dad still waiting for his court date after he’d accidentally been brought the wrong bill in the the local Italian.

As John Whittingdale and others tried to establish who was whose boss, and who was above and below who while both being simultaneously below Theresa May, Raab did his level best to explain it all away as some “rearranging of the Whitehall deck chairs.” Which is true, in that sense that the deckchairs are musical, the music has stopped, and he isn’t sitting in one of them.

It was, he said, about establishing a “clear chain of command”, about having “one track”. And indeed there is a clear chain of command, it’s just that when it gets down to Raab’s level it comes straight back up again, with milk and two sugars.

And on the subject of milk and sugar, not yet two years from the day trade secretary Liam Fox described the prospective trade deal between the EU and the UK as “the easiest trade deal in human history”, Raab confirmed that plans were already under way for “making sure there is adequate food” for the increasingly likely event that the easiest trade deal in human history proves to have been too difficult for Her Majesty’s Government all along.

Robbins, for his part, said that Raab remained “Monsieur Barnier’s primary interlocutor”, which is the same reassurance one imagines he has been giving David Davis for most of the last two years, before David Davis quit his job for no greater reason than there was no job left from which to quit.

Raab has been a true believer in Brexit from the beginning, and faced with the burgeoning reality of the situation he retreated to the usual stock phrases, all of which are as unfalsifiable, evasive and meaningless as ever.

Raab is “not going to wallow in pessimism about the state of this country in relation to Brexit”, even though it’s all his fault.

Raab thinks “this country’s best days lie ahead”, even though he is only “confident” Brexit will be a success in the “medium to long term”. So quite when those best days will come is not clear, though it will be long after Raab bears any personal responsibility for the worse ones that will, by definition, be required to get there.

Raab is, he said, “confident in this country”. Which is to say he is confident this country will get by with substantially less money than it previously had.

Still, now that Theresa May has taken “personal control” of Brexit away from the Brexiteers, perhaps a positive outcome is possible.

Could Theresa May’s “personal control” of Brexit go the same way as her personal control of the dementia tax, the taking in of Syrian refugee children, the return of grammar schools, Hinkley Point, lists of foreign workers, the energy price cap and definitely not having a snap election?

Fingers crossed then. There is still time for “Take Control” Theresa to work her unique magic.