The Top 10 Top 10s of 2017

A selection of the best Top 10 lists of the year

Ella Fitzgerald in 1946: her name was a sentence (William P Gottlieb)

Thanks to all who have contributed to the Top 10s that have appeared every weekend in The Independent on Sunday and on The Independent website since the Worst Beatles Songs in 2013. The 2014 book, Listellany: a Miscellany of Very British Top Tens, from Politics to Pop, is still available if you know where to look.

Here are 10 of my favourites from this year.

Famous people whose names are sentences

1. Clive Staples Lewis

2. Jeremy Irons

3. Tom Waits

4. Nigel Havers

5. Ella Fitzgerald

6. Samuel Pepys

7. Theresa May

8. Julius Caesar

9. Rosa Parks

10. Mike Gapes

Stevie Nicks, Karl Marx, Ryan Giggs and Ed Balls (bawls) were all bubbling under the Top 10

Adjectives that come after the noun

1. Aforethought

2. Akimbo

3. Almighty

4. Apparent

5. General, as in attorney, major, secretary or witchfinder

6. Immemorial

7. Incarnate

8. Martial

9. Militant, as in church

10. Royal, as in princess, blood and battle

Expressions Used Only in the Negative

1. I’ve tried to think of good examples to some avail

2. This will butter many parsnips

3. It also knows some bounds

4. Let us beat around the bush

5. This is a panacea that will solve all our problems

6. Or it could be a silver bullet

7. I mind in the slightest

8. They would do that for all the tea in China

9. There are lots of places like home

10. Let us try to make the best the enemy of the good

Headlines

1. “Super Cally Goes Ballistic, QPR Atrocious.” Liverpool Echo, 1970s, in praise of the Reds’ Ian Callaghan. Later copied by The Sun

2. “Stick It Up Your Junta.” The Sun, 1982, in response to the Argentine dictatorship’s offer of talks on Falklands

3. “Foot heads arms body.” The Times, 1986. (A story about Michael Foot, Labour former leader.)

4. “ZZ Blows His Top.” Express, 2006, after Zinedine Zidane was sent off for a headbutt in the World Cup final

5. “Ban Ki Goes to Hollywood.” The Independent, 2010. About the United Nations Secretary General

6. “Over £100m! Is this the rail price? Is this just fantasy? Caught up in land buys. No escape from bureaucracy!” The Ulster Gazette, 2013

7. “Tinker Taylor Snogs A Spy.” The Sun, 2016. Something to do with an actor and a singer

8. “The Cat in the Hat Comes Back.” The Staggers Morning Call email, edited by Stephen Bush, 2017: George Galloway was a candidate for Manchester Gorton

9. “Old McDonnell has a plan. He eyes IOUs.” The Economist, 2017, on the Shadow Chancellor

10. “Trump Slips on Ban Appeal.” Huffington Post, 2017

One of these days I’ll do Top 10 Worst Headlines, inspired by the Financial Times front-page lead this month: “UK taps Russia gas hit by US sanctions amid supply crunch”

Once-Familiar Smells

1. Steam engines

2. Smoky pubs, smoking compartments in trains and pipe tobacco

3. Cap guns

4. Camera film

5. Phone books

6. Coal fires

7. Embrocation

8. Chalk

9. Carbolic, or coal tar, soap

10. Napalm in the morning

Misattributed Quotations

1. “Give me lucky generals.” Not Napoleon, but Cardinal Mazarin, who said the question to ask of a general is not, “Est-il habile?” Is he skilful? but “Est-il heureux?” Is he lucky?

2. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” Not Einstein, but a Narcotics Anonymous pamphlet, 1981

3. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Not Edmund Burke, but a reworking of John Stuart Mill, who said in 1867: “Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.”

4. “The NHS will last as long as there are folk left with the faith to fight for it.” Not Aneurin Bevan, but his character in a television play, Food for Ravens by Trevor Griffiths

5. “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” Not Voltaire, but Evelyn Beatrice Hall, paraphrasing him

6. “Who do I call if I want to speak to Europe?” Not Henry Kissinger, whose concern was the opposite – he was fed up with having to deal with a Dane whom he regarded as incompetent

7. “Who’s a silly billy then?” Not Denis Healey, but Mike Yarwood, the impressionist, pretending to be him

8. “Et tu, Brute.” Not Julius Caesar, who said to Brutus, in the earliest account: “And you child?”

9. “Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.” Not Thomas Jefferson, but a paraphrase of John Philpot Curran in 1813: “The condition upon which God hath given liberty to man is eternal vigilance.”

10. “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” Not Napoleon either, but an edited version of Helmuth von Moltke, the Prussian field marshal: “No plan of operations extends with any certainty beyond the first contact with the main hostile force.”

Ministers Who Did the Job They Were Responsible For

1. Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington: Secretary of State for War 1834

2. Christopher Addison, medical doctor: first Minister of Health 1919-21

3. John Stonehouse, served in the RAF and spy for Czechoslovakia: Minister of Aviation 1967 and Minister of Posts and Telecommunications 1969-70

4. James Callaghan, Inland Revenue tax inspector: Chancellor of the Exchequer 1964-67

5. Roy Mason, miner: Minister of Power 1968-9

6. Grey Gowrie, 2nd Earl of Gowrie, published poetry in his 20s: Minister for the Arts 1983-85

7. Ted Short, Gillian Shephard and Estelle Morris were all teachers and education secretaries

8. Alan Johnson, postman: Trade and Industry Secretary 2005-06, including the Royal Mail in his responsibilities

9. Boris Johnson, born in the US and had dual US-British nationality until he gave it up last year: Foreign Secretary

10. Tracey Crouch, football coach: currently Minister for Sport

Unexpected Middle Names

1. Charles John Huffam Dickens

2. Jerome Clapp Jerome, who changed it to Jerome Klapka Jerome

3. Robert Frederick Zenon Geldof

4. Richard Tiffany Gere

5. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson

6. Nicholas If-Christ-had-not-died-for-thee-thou-hadst-been-damned Barebone, a pioneer of fire insurance and son of Praise-God Barebone (after whom Barebone’s Parliament of 1653 was named)

7. Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso.

8. Elton Hercules John. “Though of course, the whole thing is made up”

9. James Tiberius Kirk. Ditto

10. John Ronald Reuel Tolkien

Special prize to David Mills‏ for this: “What was William Gladstone’s middle name?” “Ewart.” “I said, ‘What was Gladstone’s middle name?’”

Scottish Words

1. Blether: long-winded chat

2. Burach, bourach: cluttered, mess

3. Convenor: chair of a meeting

4. Dreep: to drop off a wall, carefully

5. Dreich: dreary, bleak (of weather)

6. Fash: to worry (”Dinnae fash yersel”)

7. Gallus: to be bold or cocky

8. Numpty: fool

9. Outwith: outside, beyond

10. Paleerie: a fit or tantrum

Best Autobiography Titles

1. Coreyography, Corey Feldman, actor and singer

2. Auto Da Fay, Fay Weldon

3. It’s About A Ball, Alan Ball, youngest member of England’s 1966 team

4. Fourth Among Equals. “By that bloke in the Gang of Four who wasn’t Jenkins, Owen or Williams”: Bill Rodgers, co-founder of the Social Democratic Party in 1981

5. Me: Moir, Vic Reeves, comedian, real name Jim Moir

6. Kind of Blue, Kenneth Clarke

7. The Third Man, Peter Mandelson

8. Known and Unknown, Donald Rumsfeld

9. Tim Book Two, second part of the autobiography of Tim Burgess, lead singer of The Charlatans

10. Nobody Knows the Truffles I’ve Seen, George Lang, restaurateur

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk