The Great Shellfish Showdown between Britain and France today is a sign of Brexit disasters to come

The nightmare 'no deal' scenario of miles-long customs queues could turn into something even worse – a kind of Wacky Races free-for-all as lorry drivers try to force each other off the roads

The rivalry across the Channel is always simmering. It flares up periodically – during the World Cup, or the Eurovision Song Contest – but rarely manifests in an actual skirmish in the Channel. But that’s exactly what’s happening at the moment, with French and British fishermen locked in battle over scallops. There are reports of boats being rammed into other boats in clashes just 12 miles from the Normandy coast.

The British boats are legally allowed to fish there, the French seemingly no longer care. They’ve accused their rivals of depleting shellfish stocks, and they’re taking the action they see fit to put an end to it.

It all bodes very well for cross-Channel relations once Britain leaves the EU. The nightmare 'no deal' scenario of miles-long customs queues could turn into something even worse: a kind of Wacky Races free-for-all as lorry drivers try to force each other off the roads.

It’s not like we’ve had much indication that things will be any better than men hurling rocks, smoke bombs and insults at each other over scallops. The Brexit process so far has, in fact, been defined by a series of conflicts.

First of all, we’ve got Theresa May unable to even pretend that her Cabinet is united in the Brexit (or any) cause. Philip Hammond issued a stark warning last week that a no-deal Brexit would cause significant damage to the EU. The prime minister dismissed his advice a few days later, a move that brought the pound to a one-year low against the euro. Lovely.

And of course, Boris is always lurking in the background, doing nothing to dispel rumours of a planned leadership bid.

There’s also a divide between the government and the business world, as firms continue to call out for any scrap of clarity about what Brexit will look like. Business does not thrive on surprise, but ministers have so far failed to reassure companies that there is a real plan in place.

Meanwhile, Jacob Rees-Mogg has got himself in hot water with just about everyone in Northern Ireland, after blithely offering the solution of “inspections, just like during the Troubles” for that tricky border question.

What this all boils down to is a complete and utter lack of leadership. May has enough on her plate trying to placate the various egos populating her cabinet and fending off rivals that she can’t pull together a proper strategy for exiting the EU. But the fault doesn’t lie solely with the PM.

The farcical show from Brexit secretary Dominic Raab last week as he sweated out the plans for a no-deal departure had a classic air of homework scrabbled together on the bus to school. The "technical notices" were light on detail (the advice for businesses operating across the Irish border was basically "ask Dublin") and did little to generate any optimism for leaving the EU. However, the only reality check offered, by Hammond, was ignored by our ostrich-like PM.

Neither Brexiteers nor Remainers can really put any faith in the government leading them to a positive Brexit at this point. Only the most hardline eurosceptic could be gleefully anticipating the cliff-edge, no-deal scenario that has gained more credence over recent weeks. Meanwhile, anyone hoping for a reprieve is left with Labour and the Lib Dems both distracted by their own leadership issues.

There’s another lesson that the Great Shellfish Showdown should hammer home. The British boats were ultimately outnumbered and forced to abandon their fishing expedition, by about five to 40 vessels. When (if) the UK leaves the EU, it’s going to be one nation against 27 member states.

Between this imbalance and a government that can’t stop squabbling long enough to plan for no deal, let alone reach a Brexit agreement, scallop-free menus are the least of our worries.