The Agrreable World of Wallace Arnold: Diary of a dread year

AS IT IS now so very much en vogue, might I present my Diary of a Dread Year, charting the ups and downs of 1992 from my own - albeit highly personal - point of view. Do note the number of predictions I made over the year which, give or take the odd detail, all came resoundingly true.

January: My old friend and quaffing partner Mr Melvyn Bragg presents avid viewers with his remarkable A Time to Dance on BBC2. I am unequivocal in my praise, declaring it to be 'undoubtedly the most accurate and moving portrait of a retired Cumbrian bank manager by a Hampstead television presenter since the war'.

February: Much excitement as the new season of the first-class South Bank Show is announced. Highlights include a new and long-

awaited ballet based upon the columns of Wallace P Arnold, with music by Andrew Lloyd-Webber. It is accompanied by a profile of Arnold by Bragg, whose recent drama series is widely acknowledged as a minor masterpiece.

March: John Major announces the election date as 9 April, fulfilling my prediction in the Mail that 'the election will certainly be called within the next 12 months - if not sooner'. I am reliably informed that the election has been called in order to deflect attention from the separation of the Duke and Duchess of York. 'Thank goodness the marriage of the Prince and Princess of Wales remains in such excellent shape,' I write in the Sunday Telegraph.

April: The dread Kinnock is vanquished. 'At last, under the excellent stewardship of Lamont, and with the City confident once more, the economy can be restored to its former glory by the summer,' I write in the Times, pointing out that the appointment of Mr David Mellor as Heritage Secretary 'places one of our most personable and dependable ministers centrestage'.

May: Full steam ahead, the Classless Society] The Prime Minister appoints me to head a commission looking into the long-overdue eradication of class in Great Britain. Alas, the committee includes Lord Callaghan and Lord St John of Fawsley, who, for all their undoubted qualities, are a mite too - dread word] - common for the task.

June-July: Under my stewardship, the majority of members of the Garrick Club reject a proposal to accept women, though the ruling excludes distinguished male actors playing female parts in accredited London pantomimes, provided they wear Garrick Club ribbons in their hair in the dining room and are careful to remove stilettoes before entering the bar. Coincidentally, it is announced that, come winter, Sir Peregrine Worsthorne and Lady Lucinda Lambton will star in the title roles in Babes in the Wood at the Gaumont Theatre, Woking, for a limited season only.

August: In the light of tapes of revealing phone-calls between the Princess of Wales and a young man called Gilbey, I reveal that my old friend and quaffing partner, the Queen Mother, has long been an enthusiastic radio 'ham' though I stress that the two facts need not necessarily be related.

September: On my appearance In the Psychiatrist's Chair with Dr Anthony Clare I set a new world record by becoming the first subject to break down no less than 11 times. I thus gain the title Radio Times Personality of the Year for the second year, having made history in 1991 by selecting 'My Way' for no less than two of my Desert Island Discs (nos 5 and 7).

October: To the Tory Party conference, where senior cabinet ministers including Douglas Hurd politely follow Mr Major's sterling example of pronouncing 'want' to rhyme with 'hunt' and 'hunt' to rhyme with 'want' in the interest of a classless society.

November: As vice-chairman of the trustees of the Sunday Telegraph, it is my sad duty to issue a first public warning to the tearaway young editor, Mr Charles Moore, for repeatedly publishing grossly parodic articles in support of the monarchy.

December: As chairman of the Thatcher Foundation, I am proud to announce to Lady Thatcher that we now have assets totalling something over pounds 318.17, from more than 500 donors. The proceeds will be donated to Threshers plc, for their pioneering research work over the past year.