The Agreeable World of Wallace Arnold: How I'll blow the strumpet for Britain

I NOTE with an interest by no means untinged with ambition that the post of Chairman of the Conservative Party 'lies vacant'. This certainly represents a turnaround as the same post has recently been more commonly associated with 'vacant lies', if Norman will forgive the affectionate leg-pull]

Seriously, though, a more robust set of hands on the anchor of the Conservative warship could do wonders for our fortunes in the polls. A great deal of nonsense has been written, and, alas, continues to be written about this Government being in a so-called 'crisis'. What nonsense] Obviously, it was something of an embarrassment when, following his tragic death, it was revealed that Mr Milligan had been an associate of Mr Andrew Neil, but who are we to cast the first stone upon the sad and desperate peccadilloes of a private citizen?

I have it on the very highest authority that leading Conservatives are angling for what has come to be known as the Arnold/Archer dream- ticket, with yours truly at the helm, ably aided and abetted by little Jeffrey Archer, whose energy and enthusiasm on countless radio and television programmes over the past few months have done so much to lift the Tory party at large into its present mood. Obviously, one needs the proverbial Arnoldian 'safe pair of hands' at the helm (one wouldn't wish for Party Funds to be dished out to complete strangers at Victoria Station - I jest]), but Jeffrey's prominent zip - to which so many have borne witness - makes him a perfect candidate for the Vice- Chairmanship. Between us, I believe we could restore morale not only in the country at large but also, and more importantly, among the media.

Personally, I agree with Jeffrey that this Government has a tremendous amount of which to be proud. Only three weeks ago, firemen in Rotherham rescued an old lady trapped on the second floor of a blazing tower block, and sales figures for Callard and Bowser's treacle toffees have never been higher. Why don't the media concentrate on good news like this rather than running this country down at the slightest opportunity? Only last Tuesday, a TV Rental Shop in West Byfleet succeeded in clocking up its 1,000th satisfied customer, yet the national newspapers ignored this stunning achievement, preferring to concentrate on the potentially damaging circumstances surrounding the death of a little known backbench MP. We must put this bias right. 'Let Jeffrey and I blow the strumpet for Britain,' I said to the dread Paxman on Newsnight last Thursday, 'and we'll restore party morale in a jiffy.'

Sadly, even my old friends and quashing partners on the Daily Telegraph have fallen into the trap of whining on about Mr Major's anus horribilis. What arrant nonsense] As my first act as Chairman-to-Be, let me conduct you through a quick reminder of our anus miraculus:

May: We lose the Newbury by- election to the Liberals by only 22,000 votes, well ahead of Labour, and hold on to Buckinghamshire in the council elections. Rolls-Royce sells another car, this time in Kent.

June: Norman Lamont, in his farewell speech, congratulates the Government for 'giving the impression of being in office'. A have-a-go hero rescues a dog from a Somerset river. Mr Major re-establishes confidence in the Government.

July: We gain second place in the Christchurch by-election, well ahead of Labour and just 16,427 votes behind the slipshod Liberals. The doughty English contestant wins through to the first round at Wimbledon.

August: No lost by-elections and no resignations whatsoever. Many Britons quite enjoy themselves on holiday. Mr Major re-establishes confidence in the Government.

October: At the Blackpool conference, single mothers are targeted by leading ministers.

December: Christmas occurs promptly on 25 December. Mr Major re-establishes confidence in the Government.

January: David Ashby MP proves to everyone's complete satisfaction that he is not pregnant by Tim Yeo MP. A British Mini Metro is sold to a man in Leicester.

February: Tremendously encouraging news as more than 300 Conservative MPs are not discovered naked except for women's stockings.