Take my advice and you too will get ahead in 2016

Buy enough fitness gadgets and you'll be so strapped for cash you'll have to ask for a pay rise

This pose is easily achievable for you. Just breathe

Welcome to 2016: new year, new you! If you’re wondering what that means, go and look in the mirror.

See that slovenly, gelatinous failure of a person staring back at you? That is your worst self. Your disgusting self. Your old, 2015 self. And it’s all about to change.

Though you thought you were doing OK last year, I’m here to remind you that, if you really think about it, you’ll probably agree that people recoiled whenever you were near. Why do you think Liz from finance didn’t invite you to her Christmas drinks? Why did no one sit next to you on the Tube last Thursday, even though there was an empty seat and a handful of people standing? You know the answer: because you don’t have a Fitbit.

But, now that it’s 2016, there’s still time to put this right. First, work on getting healthy and rich. Once you’ve bought at least £1,000 worth of kitchen equipment and added in some fitness gadgets and a gym membership, you’ll be so strapped for cash that you won’t have any choice but to demand a hefty pay rise.

The assertiveness can only be learnt from living in poverty, and fear is never going to develop fully if you keep enough back to pay the rent every month, so let yourself miss a payment and harness the adrenaline that comes from your decision to let your boss know it’s time for financial recognition.

Once you’ve bolstered your pay packet, it’ll be tempting to take on more work responsibilities – but remember to turn off your phone at least three hours before bed every night, because the light emitting from it can fry your neurotransmitters like bacon (also, don’t eat bacon). Keep constantly in touch with work, but do it only through the method of mindfulness. If you banish your phone from the bedroom you can concentrate instead on maintaining psychic connections with your manager. Start building those skills with an adult colouring book and you’ll be telepathic in no time.

Don’t forget, this is the year that you’ll be thin again. So thin, in fact, that by August people will be saying, “Wow, I never knew elbows could be so sharp” or, “Did you recently experience a death in the family?” Once you get to this point, you’ll know you can have that guilty spoonful of low-fat corn syrup without flagellating yourself at the dinner table while your children cry. Isn’t that what getting fit is all about?

If you think you’ll find it difficult to stay away from those sinful sweet treats, though, nip temptation in the bud by following my new recipe which shows you how to make a vanilla sponge cake using only kale and seaweed. Just close your eyes and, honestly, you’ll never notice the difference. You bought a spiraliser and replaced pasta with cucumber shavings last year, so why should this be any different?

With all that extra money saved by taking hundreds of pounds off the weekly shop in unnecessary food, there’s more good news: you can now afford to go to expensive spas at the tops of Tibetan mountains where you get a designer colonoscopy with beetroot instead of a welcome drink. So chic. You didn’t want that week in Ibiza with friends anyway. You don’t need friends; you’ve got a NutriBullet.

The most important thing to remember in 2016? Just breathe. Stay utterly relaxed yet constantly, painfully aware. It’s even simpler than it sounds! Your adult Etch-a-Sketch is in the post.