You might find Soon-Yi Previn’s interview about Woody Allen upsetting – but this is why you shouldn’t judge her

To have a close relationship with an abuser is no crime. To love an abuser is no crime. To be an abuser is

Before I dive into this, I just want to say that what Soon-Yi Previn has said in her latest interview – breaking decades of silence about her relationship with Woody Allen – is indisputably upsetting. To hear a woman defend an alleged abuser is difficult; to hear a woman defend a man who allegedly abused her own adopted sister is even harder. Particularly in the era of MeToo where we preach sisterhood, and where so many women have shown solidarity with one another standing up against male violence, her interview in which she says allegations against Woody Allen are “so upsetting, so unjust” makes for incredibly uncomfortable reading – on surface level it seems to go against much of the progress that has been made this year.

But – and I think this is an important but – it’s vital we keep the focus of MeToo on supporting women and condemning abusive men, and that includes women who defend abusers, no matter how much we disagree with what they are saying.

Previn’s defence feels like a betrayal – not just of her sister and much of her family, but of survivors of abuse everywhere. However, I think it’s important to remind ourselves in times like these why women defend abusers. Of course, I can’t say specifically why Previn has defended Allen. But, if we scratch below the surface and begin to ask why survivors defend abusers in general, we can understand why condemning women and shutting them off for comments such as Previn’s is not always the best course of action.

It goes almost without saying, but one of the main reasons that women defend abusive men is because they love them. In Previn’s case this could be a contributing factor – she has known Allen much of her life and is now, of course, married to him.

As someone who has been working with survivors of sexual and domestic violence for the past few years, I see this directly as well as having read all the theory about it – women stay with abusers because they deeply care about them. They will often defend them, make excuses for them, hope that they will change. They can also make these excuses for other reasons – financial dependency, wanting to hold a family together for those around them, being worried for their own safety.

The reasons that women defend abusive men are incredibly complex, and generally hidden. It could be because they simply can’t conceptualise that person as being abusive – we often imagine abusers as strangers in alleyways, despite the fact that 90 per cent of those who are raped, as one example, know the perpetrator before the offence. This doesn’t stop many believing that those close to them couldn’t possibly be capable of abuse – and who would want to believe that?

Many women are also worried for their lives – two women a week are killed by a current or former partner in England and Wales. Being with an abuser – whether that person abuses you directly or not – is terrifying, because of the fear they might hurt you, or even take your life.

Many women are also dependent on abusers for one thing or another – whether that be money, shelter, a visa or something else. The complications only multiply when there are children involved – mothers might not want to cause a scene for fear of upsetting their kids. They might be doing everything to keep the family together, even if this means sacrificing their own wellbeing. They might not be able to provide financial support or shelter for their children without staying. And so they defend the person they are with because they feel they have no other option.

I’m not saying any of this is true for Previn – I don’t know what her situation is, or what her own personal relationship with Allen is like. What I am saying is we can never know someone’s reasons for defending an abusive man, particularly if they have a close relationship with that man.

To have a close relationship with an abuser is no crime. To love an abuser is no crime. To be an abuser is.

As much as what Previn said was disagreeable, if we attack a woman here rather than attacking the alleged abuser, we are upholding the patriarchy. We are attacking a woman for loving a man, rather than a man for alleged actions that are abhorrent.

I think it’s also important to note that Previn is an alleged survivor of abuse herself – in 1992, she said in a statement that Mia Farrow, her adoptive mother and Allen’s then wife, had physically abused her. If Previn is a survivor of abuse then it is important that we give her our love and kindness – even if we disagree with what she’s saying.

By criticising Allen’s wife, we are not doing positive work for women, and we are doing wrong by Dylan Farrow. As much as I’m sure she is probably hurting because of what her sister has said, she needs us to take on Allen, not the women around him. At the end of the day there are no allegations of abuse against Previn, but there are against him. So let’s not contribute to the breaking of sisterhood by attacking someone who’s with an alleged abuser; instead we should show women who are with abusers extra care and support. We owe it to both Previn and Farrow to do that.