Single mothers like me would do anything for their kids – how dare this NHS trust say we're bad parents

I, like many ‘sole’ mums, don’t have as much cash as a two-parent family. But wealth is not the only benchmark for bringing up a child, and neither is the presence of a father

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I spotted a meme doing the rounds on social media after the most recent mass shooting in the states suggesting that the majority of these killers come from single-parent families, so the American government should consider “single mum control” rather than gun control. And although NHS South East London’s recent claim that single mums are a burden on society – given as a reason for denying single women IVF treatment – aren’t quite as inflammatory as that, they definitely come from the same school of misogyny.

The report states that “single mothers are generally poorer; they are likely to have greater support needs compared to two-parent couples, thereby placing a greater burden on society in general.” It’s nothing most single mums, including me, haven’t heard a million times before – and often much worse. We sit around all day counting our benefits while watching daytime TV. Our kids are doomed to fail. They’ll perform badly at school and grow up into new drains on the economy. They’ll pick up guns and go on killing sprees. The list of awful things we single mums are responsible for is endless.

It’s worth pointing out here that there is rarely any blaming of the absent fathers for any of this woman-hating guff, with all the criticism falling on the shoulders of the present mothers. Single mums are tackling one of life’s most challenging roles alone in a society that does little to assist. Wouldn’t it make more sense to see if kindness and support had more of a positive impact than judgement and insults?

I’ve been a single mum since my seven-year-old son George was a few months old, and the demonisation of mums like me is something I’m all-too-familiar with. The snarky comments about the benefits everyone assumes I am cashing in on. The assumption that any issue he has at school must be because he has “no male role models”. Just a few weeks after separating from my ex-husband, I bumped into an old colleague who, on hearing that I was getting a divorce, proceeded to tell me that it was people like me who were “bringing the country down”. If only I was that powerful.

And what is a single mum, anyway? The report suggests “a sole woman is unable to bring out the best outcomes for the child”, but how many single mums are actually doing it alone? Although I’m no longer married to George’s dad, I have never considered myself to be raising my son single-handed. His dad is still a huge presence in his life and is as much George’s parent as I am, we just live in different homes. And that’s without taking into account the help I get from my own mum, my brother and a small but forever supportive network of friends.

There are, of course, many single mums out there who aren’t in the same situation as me, without a decent income and plenty of support. It is unlikely they chose to parent alone, however, and I guarantee they will want what is best for their children. So why aren’t we, as a society, making it easier for them to provide that?

If it is true that children who are raised by a single mum don’t get the best outcomes in life, why aren’t we looking at tackling the reasons for this? The chances are it all comes down to poverty – well-paid work that is available in term-time between the hours of 9am and 3pm is impossible to find but would have an enormous impact on most single mums and their families.

I, like many single mums, might not have as much cash as a two-parent family but, while we’re talking about the “best outcomes”, I really don’t think finances are the only benchmark for “good parenting”. My son will grow up knowing that I worked hard for him, that I made sacrifices that I valued my own happiness as well as his. He is growing up feeling loved and I have no doubt that he will be a compassionate and hardworking member of society. Isn’t that more important?