Sexual consent is not as simple as saying 'yes' – it's time young people understood that

Just because you consent to one thing, you do not consent to everything. Sexual consent can be withdrawn at any point

Consent is much more complex than 'no means no' (Rex)

As the next generation of freshers finish their A-Level exams and prepare for a new life at university, it's likely that, when they arrive on campus, they will be forced to attend controversial classes about sexual consent.

Although it’s easy to say “I know what rape is, and I’m not a rapist”, it’s sad but telling that every girl I spoke to about consent had her own story: an anecdote that comes out after one too many drinks. The girl said yes to sex, but then something happened which wasn’t strictly consensual.

There are a range of schemes to help young people understand consent, such as handing out consent kits, but these are failing to protect the very people they are designed to help. Every discussion surrounding consent seems to centre on the simple “no means no” rule, but sex isn’t that straightforward. Just because you consent to one thing, you do not consent to everything. Consent can be withdrawn at any point.

“I was on a first date with this guy and we got really really drunk,” says Jenny. “He just ‘happened’ to miss his train, and I didn’t feel very comfortable because I felt like it was a deliberate thing. He asked if he could come back to mine. I wasn’t very happy about it but I agreed, being only 19 at the time, and we were in the middle of having sex when I sobered up and it just hit me. I’d been that drunk, and it was just happening. I remember nearly crying and him asking if I was OK, but for some reason I said I was and he continued.”

Sadly, stories like Jenny’s are all too familiar. They would never go as far as to say they’d been raped, but had they consented? It isn’t quite clear.

Sophie, 23, had been sleeping with a guy regularly. “We’d been on a date, and we knew where the night was going; we’d had sex before,” she said. “We went back to mine and were having sex, when all of a sudden he put his hands around my throat. I said no and he took his hand off, saying there was ‘no harm in trying’. I should’ve stopped, but the gravity of what happened didn’t hit me until I told my friends about it.”

Another girl told me she would have sex with her boyfriend even when it wasn’t something she wanted. While she wouldn’t say she was raped, she’s unsure whether or not she consented. “It just kind of proves how not black-and-white consent is,” she said, “how confusing it is.”

There are evidently enormous holes in modern sex education. Former government adviser, Steve Hilton, suggested last week that one way to protect children from sex is to take their smartphones off them. A couple of months ago, the Government was in a flap over the alarming number of teenagers trying anal sex without proper education. But you can only teach so much about consent.

Lad Culture workshops, consent classes and kits with condoms and a piece of card to sign are a good place to start – but they will never cover the full complexity of sex and consent.

More focus needs to be placed on personal confidence, communication and respect. We need to educate boys and girls about respecting their sexual partners, about knowing their sexual limits, and having the ability to say when they are uncomfortable with something.

The answer isn’t as simple as 'no means no'.

Some names have been changed for privacy