Welcome to the world, Baby Boy of Sussex – this is what your parents should do with you

The royal baby should live well into the 22nd century and can be a powerful force for modernisation. But is the royal family ready to adapt?

The birth of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s baby boy is, of course, an opportunity for curmudgeons everywhere to moan about the cost that will be borne by the taxpayer for his upkeep and education, and generally to moan about our class-ridden society and its bewilderingly ready acceptance that some human beings are “better” than the rest of us simply by being “royal”.

Quite right too, but I’d like to be a little more constructive about the new sprog, and suggest (seeing as I’ll be part funding it via PAYE) some positive things that Hazza and Megs can do. After all, the royal family is supposed to set an example. Here goes.

First, they should let it be known that the lad will be educated at state institutions, from nursery all the way up to university.

This would have a number of advantages, but just the symbolic one that the child will be the first in history not to attend an expensive public school, or to receive expensive private tuition that bestows a further unfair advantage in life on him through the power of money.

State schooling would allow the royal family a unique insight into the schooling that the vast majority of their fellow citizens receive, for good or ill. The child would also benefit from being exposed to wider circle of friends that would otherwise be the case.

Common sense tells us this would be excellent for the development of social skills, something that has not always been evident in the House of Windsor. You can’t rely on genes for everything – and especially not for good manners.

Second, the kid should be given a non-gendered and if possible modern name. None of this Charles Edward Philip Arthur George Louis Ethelred William the Conqueror, Alfred the Great, Prince of Bognor, Game of Thrones lark. Lindsay or Hilary are good alternatives, and Kuba and Alex work either way. Or how about something novel and gender-free, such as Fandango or Qashqai or Consignia? By the same token, the little one should be given multi-gender toys and its clothes should be non-gendered – never pink or blue.

Third, the boy should be as environmentally sound as it is possible to be. Thus he should be encouraged to take up a vegan diet, use non-disposable traditional nappies (a trend I believe is known as “cloth bumming”). When old enough, he should forage for food around the many royal estates, with their rich potential crop of nuts and berries.

Congratulations, then, to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Baby Sussex should live well into the 22nd century and can now be a powerful, if miniature, force for modernisation of the venerable, but always adaptable, institution of the British monarchy. The House of Fandango has been born.