I’ll tell you about men like Stephen Bear because I’ve been a victim of revenge porn
I wish I could say I was the exception to the rule back then, that revenge porn didn’t run rampant because society didn’t see the issue, but I’d be lying. At my secondary school, revenge porn was currency
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Your support makes all the difference.Ever had that sinking feeling? It feels like your stomach drops away from you, your body tingling as the heat raises – you’re anxious, yet can’t really move. The moment becomes a freeze frame, as if wading through treacle as reality tries to set in through the numbness.
That’s what it feels like to learn you’ve been a victim of revenge porn.
And as much as I’m loath to label myself a victim, such is the charged nature of the word, I find there’s no other way to describe the helplessness inflicted when someone wields your vulnerability against you.
The conflict we feel, the self imposed shame men like Stephen Bear put on their victims (Bear has been sentenced to 21 months in prison for sharing a sex tape of his ex-girlfriend, Georgia Harrison, on OnlyFans) is a weight they’ll never understand. They can’t, because to them our pain can be fodder for their voyeuristic pleasure.
Georgia Harrison has spoken of the “absolute hell” of her experience. What I want to know is: does Stephen Bear feel remorse for his actions? His Twitter over recent months doesn’t imply that he does: he sent post after post asking what colour suit to wear to court, as if he was going for a day out. Worst of all, he actually tweeted, “50% OFF MY ADULT SITE FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS. COME SEE WHY I’M TRENDING”.
But as upsetting as I find his callous behaviour, what’s more concerning is the amount of men championing him as “a king”. I can’t say I’m surprised, given how much women and AFAB individuals face on a daily basis, but I’d be lying if I said it still didn’t cut deep. Society has learnt nothing. Men even less so.
Yes, you could argue that Stephen Bear being found guilty and being given jail time is a huge step forward, and there’s truth to that statement. However, while the correct verdict has been reached, the worry that grips me is that this case will end up being nothing more than lip service to a very serious problem.
While the law was updated in 2015 to recognise revenge porn as a crime, the judicial system still leaves a lot to be desired. Stephen Bear is a rare case because of his (undeserving) status. He won Celebrity Big Brother, yes. Does that really make him “special”?
There are thousands of women, and men, who are victims of revenge porn who aren’t having their day in court because incompetence is the real long arm of the law. That’s why a third of revenge porn victims drop their cases: we know we won’t be taken seriously. We’ll be blamed for what’s happened, so silence becomes our prison while our abuser experiences only freedom.
I didn’t go to the police for what happened to me. Not only because I didn’t quite understand the violation I suffered, but because it wasn’t even seen as an issue. And, unfortunately, it happened on more than one occasion, by different people.
Not only did one man violate my trust, but some of my male friends did, too. And they never acknowledged to me that they felt remotely bad for what they did.
Even if they feel bad now, knowing that remorse might have caught up with them doesn’t soothe the discomfort I felt as lecherous stares followed me around. That sinking feeling I mentioned: there as you come to realise everyone knows something you don’t, and you’re now the butt of some punchline or joke you’re not privy to.
I wish I could say I was the exception to the rule back then, that revenge porn didn’t run rampant because society didn’t see the issue, but I’d be lying. At my secondary school, for example, revenge porn was currency.
The number of times I was met by gossip; everyone abuzz at the news that another girl in our year had photographs of her boobs circulating around the school. Not because she chose to, but because the person she entrusted with her pictures decided he wanted reputational clout. And they always received it. Much like Stephen Bear is now.
While some will try to put my experiences down to idiotic young men, the one I was involved with had power over me, and he knew it. He can’t have been immune to the fear I’d feel when he revealed to me that he’d screenshotted our intimate MSN webcam moments; footage of me undressing to try to make him like me more. And he seemed to relish letting me know that he could share those shots with anyone, whenever he wanted, if he chose to.
Now, I guard my vulnerability against those I love, for fear of the same outcome. That’s the legacy left behind. I have worked through my feelings, but I feel cheated that I have to work on myself to rectify a violation someone else committed.
Don’t try to tell me that men like Stephen Bear will learn, that they’ll finally accept accountability; it doesn’t seem to me to be in their mindset to do so. To them, it feels like we are, and always will be, nothing more than pawns in a game only they know the rules to.