Soon we’ll all enjoy supermarkets more – once the crowds of low-skilled migrant staff have been deported

From now on, wherever there’s a field of strawberries, instead of letting Romanians muck us about by picking them, the fruit can go rotten so British maggots can have somewhere to live at last

At last we’re taking action to stop immigrants coming over here, and exploiting us by doing jobs no one else wants to do.

From now on, wherever there’s a field of strawberries, instead of letting Romanians muck us about by picking them and putting them in boxes, the fruit can go rotten so British maggots can have somewhere to live at last.

Because for too long unskilled immigrants have been coming over here using up our resources. For example, 17 per cent of staff in care homes are immigrants, which is much higher than the percentage of people who live in care homes, and depend on the staff. So our elderly are going to all that effort to create puddles of wee and sick and these foreigners are just sponging them up and walking off with them.

So it’s common sense to put a stop to it, just as if there are three people in your house, and one of them does all the cooking and cleaning and washing up, the most practical thing to do is kick them out for being a parasite.

In any case, most of the jobs will still get done, because as home secretary Priti Patel explained, there are “eight million inactive people in Britain”, who can do this work.

The largest section of this number is the retired, so that should work out perfectly. The elderly in care homes can become economically active by working in care homes, mopping up each other’s mess, saving money for the care home sector, by forgetting which one’s the carer and which one’s the resident, so they don’t have to be paid.

There’s 1.9 million of these inactive people looking after their families, which could be a baby or maybe a relative who needs full-time care. And that makes them ideal for popping to a building site and doing an eight-hour shift as a labourer. Maybe they could use their disabled mother’s wheelchair to push bags of cement around, adding an extra boost to productivity.

Presumably Priti Patel has looked at the details, and it must work out that the inactive people are all ideally suited to take over the jobs that will be left by stopping unskilled immigration.

If, for example, someone is economically inactive because they’ve had a triple heart by-pass in Sunderland, they are the obvious person to pick apples all day in Hereford. Because at the moment, we have the absurd situation where that job is done by someone capable of picking apples, and living in Hereford, but is foreign.

The proposal put forward by the government is we judge whether an immigrant is skilled by how much they earn. If it’s more than £26,500 a year, that proves they’re skilled enough to be of use to us and they can come.

If we’d enforced this rule across the whole of society over the last few years, we’d be so much better off. Owners of supermarkets would be welcome, but we’d be able to enjoy shopping so much more as you could wander round Morrisons in plenty of space, as it would no longer be crowded out by any staff, who would all have been deported.

And that should be the standards for immigrants. Instead of bar staff and nurses, robbing the country of £9 an hour in exchange for “work”, we can welcome people who are useful. So if a banker wants to come here and cause a financial crash, ruining the economy, that’s fine as long as they pay themselves a huge bonus. If they say sorry and pay themselves less than £26,500, they can piss off back home, the cheapskate spongers.

These unskilled immigrants should learn from the way the British have behaved when moving abroad. When British businessmen went to India and Africa, they were people with an independent income, earned by taking minerals from India and Africa and selling slaves, which meant they all earned over £26,500 a year and weren’t a drain on the resources of people from India or Africa.

And we carry on in this honourable way, by sending Spain our most skilled criminals. We don’t burden them with incompetent petty thieves who steal less than £26,500 a year, we let them have our highly trained bank robbers, because we care.

One of the rules proposed is immigrants will need a strong command of English before being allowed in, just as every British person who moves to Spain or France or Greece has a thorough understanding of how to shout “BUTTER. I said BUTTER. No, BUTTER, don’t you know what butter is – BUTTER,” before they settle into their new community.

One argument often put forward for tough immigration policies is once a government is seen to be tough on “outsiders”, it makes life easier for the immigrants already there, as there will be less resentment towards them.

This is a strong point, and certainly seems to have worked well throughout history. Any time a government has been strong enough to blame foreigners for life getting harder, soon afterwards everyone gets along wonderfully.

This is why, in a few months Priti Patel will announce a new national holiday called Hunt the Pole Day, followed by newspaper columns insisting “Anyone who objects still hasn’t learned the lessons of the election”, and just will not learn why Labour lost.

Priti Patel herself clearly does understand, and accepts her own parents wouldn’t have been allowed here under her own rules, which proves how fair she is, just as if someone survived the Titanic and then went on to become minister of shipping, the first thing they would do is make lifeboats illegal.