It’s great you’re so proud of your kids, Harry and Meghan, but nobody likes a humblebragger

Everyone does it, writes Esther Walker: Emily did this, Tom did that, blah, blah, blah. But the Sussexes appear to have been swallowed whole by child-mentionitis

Everyone thinks their own children are beyond valuable and intriguing – but they‘re wrong (Getty Images for the Invictus Ga)

Talking endlessly about your children is one of the few unadulterated pleasures of being a parent – and one of the most annoying things for everyone else to endure.

All the no-sleep, the endless cooking of pasta, the money and the time-suck – it all balances out when you get to open your mouth and go blah, blah, blah, Emily did this, Tom did that, Georgina said this other precious thing about recycling. And look, look, look at this photo of Jack in his first XI football shirt.

Harry and Meghan have been swallowed whole by child-mentionitis. Meghan in particular shows signs of having been captured by a persistent but quite out-dated perceived “halo-effect” of having children, and the myth that “being a mother” is proof of some sort of innate goodness for her and fascination for everyone else.

Arriving days late in Dusseldorf for the Invictus Games, the Duchess of Sussex cited her children as the reason. “I had to spend a little more time getting our little ones settled at home and get them to drop-off.” Then she continued, bafflingly, “Three milkshakes and a school drop-off and I just landed a couple of hours ago”.

What other high profile, busy woman would arrive to a gig days late and then blithely say, “sorry, my children needed me”? What other woman, full stop? It’s the action of a person who believes that they love their children more than other people do.

But everyone thinks their own children are beyond valuable and intriguing. And this is quite correct: if you find your children consistently boring beyond belief, (bone-chilling Pokémon chat doesn’t count: no-one should have to be excited by that), you’ve got a problem. But relentless humblebragging about them is just… I don’t know. Rude? Boring? Boring therefore rude? It’s a failure to understand that unless you are being very interesting or funny about your children, they are as fascinating as your spaniel’s new diet.

There is a fine line to be walked here, because child development and how other parents tackle parenting problems can be great conversation. And sometimes a friend just needs to tell you about how proud they are of their child, and that really is fine. It’s nice!

But when it tips over into humblebragging – or even worse, gushing – it’s like talking about how rich you are or how much your husband still fancies you. It is so inconsiderate of what might be happening in the private life of the person you’re talking to.

No, you can’t temper everything that you say in case you hurt the feelings of your friend, but I think we can all agree that children in particular are a pretty obviously sensitive subject.

My daughter, who is now 12, slept well as a baby and I was unable to stop talking about it. Then I had a son, who is now 10, and he didn’t sleep at all. This was, without question, karmic revenge for my humblebragging about the first.

It made me completely reassess how I talk to people – who aren’t my husband or my parents – about my children. I’m now quite strict about it, and my personal rule is that if I am going to say anything at all about my children it has to be either useful or amusing – and always brief.

Last year I went through my Instagram account – which is private but is followed by people I don’t personally know – and deleted all the photographs of my children, going back about five years. I will never post a picture of either of my children again, because when I cross-examined myself about the motivations for ever posting a picture of my children on social media, they ranged from “everyone else does” to the fact that it was basically just saying, “look at me – I’ve got some children”.

There is no shame in wanting to talk about your children, or craving a flash of reflected glory – god knows parents have earned these meagre rewards.

But my advice to Meghan and Harry is you need to choose carefully from where you get this succour. If I want some kudos for how well one of my children did in a spelling bee, (this is made-up, they’ve never been in a spelling bee), I email my parents or go and find my husband. And, you know? It does the trick.