Watching porn at work? I can’t think of anything less sexy

Pornography is one of the few private pleasures we allow ourselves that remains truly private, writes Ryan Coogan. Why would you want to watch it in the office?

Watching porn is a fireable offence in most workplaces, and even if it wasn’t, it would still be gross

I’m a huge advocate for people being more upfront about their sexual habits. It isn’t the dark ages anymore – we should all be able to embrace the fact that we have sex, think about having sex – and occasionally even watch other people have sex on our phones and laptops. There’s nothing to be ashamed of – so long as we only do it when it’s appropriate. As with anything, there is a limit to this new, sex-positive world.

A new study has found that a little over a fifth of people watch pornography at work. The study, conducted by Ofcom, found that in a sample size of 13.8 million people, 21 per cent watch online pornography between 9am and 5.30pm for an average of 55 minutes.

As with any study that requires people to volunteer information about themselves, it’s worth pointing out that only one fifth of people admitted to watching porn at work. A similar Ofcom study conducted in 2021 found that only half of all adults watched porn in general – and this was at the height of the pandemic, when we had a bunch of extra free time on our (ahem) hands, so maybe take these stats with a pinch of salt.

That being said, I can’t think of a less sexy place to get down with Google than at work. It’s unclear if the latest Ofcom study takes into account remote working, which would at least make the act more understandable (and less of a potential, you know, crime) but even so. How do you even summon the energy in between endless zoom meetings, spread sheets, Slack messages – and pretending to be interested in your coworkers’ private lives?

When I’m at work, remote or not, I barely feel human, let alone like an organism that experiences erotic pleasure. Remember last year, when Tory MP Neil Parish was forced to quit after it was discovered that he’d viewed pornography in the House of Commons? Personally I couldn’t imagine doing that once, but Parish is a trooper, so he did it twice. He claimed that he stumbled on the material by accident while Googling tractors, earning him the moniker “tractor porn MP” in every headline from now until the sun burns itself out (which on the scale of disgraceful Conservative political legacies is a little more embarrassing than Johnson, but still not as bad as Truss).

Parish later said about the incident that many of his colleagues behaved “so much worse”, and I’m inclined to believe him. The UK political class punched through the embarrassment thermocline sometime around 2016, and I’m sure that Parish’s behaviour barely scratches the surface of Tory sexual disfunction. But that’s still a very low bar to set yourself – just because your colleagues are conquering new frontiers of sexual impropriety doesn’t give you a free pass to get busy in the chamber.

But more to the point: how do you even summon the energy to view that kind of material when you’re surrounded by Conservative MPs? Surely it takes the shine off a little bit when Jacob Rees-Mogg could sneak up behind you at any moment?

Pornography is one of the few private pleasures we allow ourselves that remains truly private. More than television and videogames, it’s a form of entertainment that we only experience by ourselves, in our calm and solitary hours. We aren’t exactly going to discuss our latest Onlyfans subscription around the watercooler. “Yeah Jim, I’m more of a YouPorn man myself; Pornhub I find is just too commercial. Anyway, how’s the wife?”

Logistically, it seems like a terrible idea as well. I don’t even like checking Facebook on my work laptop in case somebody looks over my shoulder and sees one of the questionable memes my auntie shared that day; can you imagine forgetting to close an open porn tab right before your next Zoom meeting is about to start? Or failing to close a video on your phone right as your boss calls? “Noises? What noises? I have no idea what you mean, sir. Why would I call you ‘daddy’?”

Watching porn is a fireable offence in most workplaces, and even if it wasn’t, it would still be gross. Mixing work and pleasure is one thing, but mixing work and that type of pleasure is beyond the pale. You don’t have to be ashamed of your porn habits, but let’s maybe keep them at home. And if you work from home, let’s maybe keep them away from your desk, on a separate device, after you’ve clocked off for the day.