Global politicians have revealed their New Year's resolutions – and we are safe in their hands
For the first time in half a decade, only nuclear armageddon should stop the UK going a full calendar year with no general election or massively divisive referendum, and that is cause for celebration
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Your support makes all the difference.And lo, the sun is risen on 2018. And what a year it promises to be.
For the first time in five years we stare down the barrel of twelve long, glorious months that should, please, surely, contain neither a hugely divisive referendum nor general election anywhere on these isles.
The last time we woke on such a dawn, in no particular order: King Richard III was still buried under a car park, Tesco bolognese didn’t say neigh and David Cameron was fully 22 days shy of promising that an in/out referendum on membership of the European Union would be in the Conservative Party Manifesto at the 2015 election.
Of course, all this should be set in the context of the fact that absolutely no one has got a clue what’s going to happen, and even though a general election or referendum of any kind is unlikely, the same cannot ultimately be said for nuclear armageddon – which would be just as bad, if not worse.
But all these things notwithstanding, this really should be the first time in a long time when the political classes can make some meaningful New Year’s resolutions, relatively safe in the knowledge that massive political upheaval might not get in the way. In fact, several of them have been kind enough to share their personal goals for 2018 with The Independent.
Theresa May
Keep it simple, manageable, and achievable. Look at last year’s promises:
Do not call general election;
Strengthen hand in negotiations with Brussels;
Make pensioners use value of home to pay for social care;
Do not let public find out am robot from different planet.
This, looking back, was wildly ambitious. In 2018, maybe just learn one new recipe a month. Read a chapter of your book each night before bed. That sort of thing.
Jeremy Corbyn
Do not mention Brexit ever. So nearly succeeded last year. This year, really can do it.
Remember: there truly are still people out there who don’t know – or pretend not to know – that I’ve been one of the nation’s most uncompromising Eurosceptics for thirty years, and they’re voting for me because they hate Brexit. So keep it up. Don’t give in to temptation. It doesn’t matter what the Tories do. It doesn’t matter if, say, they pretend they’ve done a load of impact assessments that turn out to resemble a nine-year-old’s homework. Just don’t go there. At all. Just let it all slide. Keep tapping in the easy ones. Universal Credit. Homelessness. Etc. Brexit: stay well away.
David Davis
Leave European Union!
Sign free trade deal with Germany!
Climb Mount Everest!
Trek blindfold across the Antarctic!
Leave details to someone else! And climbing. And trekking.
Michel Barnier
Tell British people the truth about how Brexit is going to work, and what’s going to happen, in the hope this is the year some finally listen.
Boris Johnson
Finally don richly deserved mantle of global statesman.
Do not bow to public pressure on not making Nazi analogies about the EU.
Angela Merkel
Strictly in this order:
Form government.
Lead free world (yawn).
Win World Cup (could do job in goal).
Bleed radiator in back bedroom.
Stage toy soldier re-enactment of Franco-Prussian War of 1870-71 in real time.
Something to do with Brexit.
Vince Cable
In no particular order:
Secure exit from Brexit.
Give people meaningful vote on terms of departure from the European Union.
Retire.
Donald Trump
Make big, BEAUTIFUL state visit to Englandland!
Play golf with Queen!
USE CAPS LOCK MORE!
Do not get IMPEACHED
Make Mexico pay for CROOKED HILLARY
LOCK UP WALL
Fire nuclear MISSILE
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