Philip Hammond’s conference speech: what he said – and what he really meant

Our chief political commentator tries to imagine the chancellor’s thoughts as he delivered his speech to the Conservatives in Birmingham

What Philip Hammond said: For me, it’s an honour and a privilege once again to be addressing this conference as chancellor in a Conservative government…

And what he really meant: She wanted to sack me; she wouldn’t let me say anything during the election; but I’m still here.

What he said: Whatever the outcome [of Brexit], Europe will remain firmly anchored just a few miles off the coast of Kent. So we will be neighbours… and they’re going to carry on speaking our language.

What he meant: Well, it’s the Americans’ language mostly.

What he said: I share the prime minister’s determination to get the Chequers plan agreed…Tusk says it won’t work, but that’s what people said about the lightbulb in 1878.

What he meant: Our strategy for the Brexit talks is to sneer at the continentals. If Jeremy Hunt can compare the EU to the Soviet Union, I can call them Luddites.

What he said: Over the next few weeks we must stand together…while at the same time taking the precaution of preparing for the possibility of no deal. And be in no doubt that I will maintain enough fiscal firepower to support our economy if that happens.

What he meant: It’s going to be a disaster. I’ll do the best I can.

What he said: Brexit is important. Of course it is. And, let me be clear, it is going to happen because that is what the country voted for.

What he meant: The fools.

What he said: But when the Brexit debate is over – and difficult as it is to imagine today, I promise you that one day it will be – our work, as Conservatives, will not be. Because more than ever Britain will need strong leadership…

What he meant: It’ll be a disaster, and then you will want a leader who told you so. So here goes my leadership bid.

What he said: Too many people feel that they have lost control…and as they look around them, they feel a growing concern that they are falling behind.

What he meant: All you people who voted Leave: vote for me!

What he said: Our challenge is to ensure that 21st century capitalism delivers for them.

What he meant: You hate capitalism? Vote for me!

What he said: The world is changing…technological change is transforming not only our economy, but our society and our politics at a rate that none of us have seen in our lifetimes.

What he meant: Hate globalisation? Feeling left behind by the pace of social change? Wait until you see the wasteland to come.

What he said: I can promise you that it will be this technological transformation, and how we manage it – not Brexit – that will define the future of our country and our party.

What he meant: I was on the wrong side of the Brexit debate, but if you want a technocrat to manage the terrors of the economic disruption to come, vote for me.

What he said: I am an enthusiast for the change that is coming…but I understand that my enthusiasm for driverless cars may not be so readily shared by someone who earns their living as a cab driver…

What he meant: Change: I love it; you hate it. Trust me.

What he said: [We need to] reassure the very many who will worry about what new technologies mean for their job security…we will do this by harnessing the power of the market economy…so that the capitalism of the 21st century looks nothing remotely like that of the 19th…

What he meant: Victorian levels of exploitation and inequality? That’s what I’m against. That’s why I’m mentioning it and terrifying you with the prospect. Vote for me!

What he said: If we look for a moment like the party of “no change” then we should not be surprised that some will be tempted by the dangerous populism of our opponents.

What he meant: If I mention “capitalism” again, Labour will go up another four points in the opinion polls.

What he said: This country now faces a choice. A choice between the seductive simplicity of the Brave New World of Corbyn and McDonnell’s populism…and our pragmatism, which is sceptical of ideologues, which recognises that there are no short-cuts and no free-lunches.

What he meant: Nothing is easy. Life is hard. Gloom is all around. You need a leader like me to tell it like it is.

What he said: No wealth is created without work, no gain without sacrifice, no reward without effort.

What he meant: Work harder. Sacrifice more. Had enough of austerity? Well, tough. What did you expect? A free lunch?

What he said: We have a shadow chancellor of the exchequer whose declared aim in life is “fomenting the overthrow of capitalism”.

What he meant: What do you mean, that sounds quite appealing? Capitalism has done me rather well, thank you.

What he said: Corbyn and McDonnell…don’t care about economic growth, because they are more interested in re-distributing wealth than in creating more of it.

What he meant: Trust me, I’m a property developer.

What he said: Corbyn boasts that Labour are a “government in waiting”. Well, I say “let’s keep him waiting.”

What he meant: Also, one of my hobbies is collecting antique political jokes.

What he said: We know you can’t get long-term change on Amazon Prime – ordered today and delivered tomorrow.

What he meant: Which party looks more like Amazon Prime: Momentum and their young people or us, with our app that put my mobile number and home address online?

What he said: Colleagues, we will not outbid Corbyn with short-term gimmicks that cause long-term damage.

What he meant: We will outbid him by praising Margaret Thatcher, extolling the virtues of capitalism and threatening people upset at the pace of technological change that they have seen nothing yet.

What he said: The Conservative Party is and always will be the party of business.

What he meant: We are on the side of the rich, the employers and the powerful. Vote for us.

What he said: We have made a start. Ten years on from the financial crisis, Conservative leadership has delivered Britain a stronger, more resilient economy.

What he meant: We are going backwards.

What he said: This year…we will, at last, see our national debt starting its first sustained fall in a generation.

What he meant: There is lots more pain to come.

What he said: To those who will say that the measured message of evolution will be drowned out by the shrill voices of the demagogues and the populists…

What he meant: I say, yes, probably, but I might as well give it a try.

What he said: I say put our trust in the common sense of the British people.

What he meant: They voted for Brexit. What could possibly go wrong?

What he said: So that when our children ask us what we did with the privilege of our time in office, we can tell them with our heads held high…

What he meant: We tried.