On Equal Pay Day, let's celebrate the fact that women are just like men - only cheaper

If you are female in the UK, what were you thinking? We're going to have to go ahead and dock your pay for that ridiculous oversight

From this day until the end of the year, the pay gap means that women effectively work for free (Rex )

Don't cry. Never bake cookies.

That's just the latest career advice I've gotten as a woman, courtesy of Forbes. But there's a veritable cornucopia of other well-meaning advice out there for the spunky professional lady-person. Be assertive and ask for a raise! (But don't be too assertive or you'll come off as bossy.) Dress for success! (But don't dress too nicely or you'll send the message that you spend too much time on frilly shit like make-up and clothes.) Be cool! (But not too cool, lest you be known as That Glacial Bitch for the rest of your professional life.) And for the love of Christ don't be nice. ‘Nice’ is the career killer. If you think there’s a chance you might be a nice person, fix that now.

It's a lot of effort to be sure, and the cognitive dissonance might get you before the burnout does, but it's all worth it in the end, now that we've got gender equality in the workplace. Because we do. We have that. It's almost 2016. Surely we must have. Yes.

Wait… No. If you are female in the UK, what were you thinking? We're going to have to go ahead and dock your pay for that ridiculous oversight. You're basically working for free from today til the end of the year. Happy Equal Pay Day, sucker.

I sincerely hope you're reading this on your phone on the way to or from work, preferably on a crowded train, jammed into a stranger's armpit and resenting the status quo. I hope you get good and angry about that. Because it's getting pretty damn expensive to be a working woman.

Me personally? Well, I've got a make-up bag worth £300, assembled after colleagues assured me that I looked unprofessional without it. Bonus: the foundation causes me to break out in acne, the treatment of which is both time-consuming and expensive. I've spent as much on one “business casual” outfit as my husband has on his entire wardrobe. Meanwhile, my tampons are luxurious in the eyes of the law. There's more, so much more, but I'd hate to sound angry. Angry and bitter. Like a bossy bitch. Perish the thought.

Still, maybe it's fitting that at the end of the fiscal year and the start of my free labour, I sit down and calculate how much money I've missed out on by stubbornly refusing to be biologically male, insisting on such frilly luxuries like bleeding from the groin and going to work. I tried. I really did. But look here, I've worked in Belgium (a 6.41 per cent pay gap), the Netherlands (20.46 per cent) and the US (17.91 per cent, on par with the UK) and be fair, that's a lot more math than I can reasonably be expected to do. I'm only a woman.

So let's not bitch and moan about boring old numbers. We are women of action and oh so pretty. That's why the internet is full of lists about how you, personally, are responsible for fixing this mess. And I'm happy to contribute. Let's review some of the ways we can close the pay gap and get ourselves a much deserved raise:

• Prepare a concise overview of your recent and provable work successes and schedule a meeting with your boss. Squat on his desk. Recite the entirety of the Scumbag Manifesto from memory. Never break eye contact
• Have children. Have many, many children. Never stop having children. Universal paid maternity leave will carry you through to menopause, smooth and breezy
• Bake cookies. Go ahead. Do it. Call their goddamn bluff
• Find that guy at work. You know the guy. That white guy. Wait for him to roll his eyes while saying “positive discrimination.” Emit high-pitched shrieks. Don’t stop
• Ask your husband for money to buy a Bic For Her. Write your MP

Or, if none of those appeal, you can always join “Negotiating the gender pay gap” or donate to your favorite gender equality cause.

You know.

If you can afford it.