Obamacare was OK, but Trumpcare will stop abortions and give you free cages for your kids — who could argue with that?

It will also reportedly introduce 'hamberder' as a unit of energy

The white paper may have been delayed because Jared Kushner interpreted his instructions a little too literally (AFP/Getty Images)

The Trump administration wants to overturn Obamacare in a move that would strip healthcare away from 20 million Americans. The GOP calls this “governing”; others have some less polite words. It seems that the president thinks a majority of Americans support him on this issue because a recent Fox News poll on healthcare gave him an approval rating of 37 per cent. “Many people have said they totally support me on healthcare and they’ve said so very strongly,” he has said.

I presume Donald Trump is unmoved by Democrats’ claims that 62 per cent of all bankruptcies in the US are caused by medical debt because to him, bankruptcies are what happen when you open your second casino next to your first. Why be concerned about the fact that around 100 million Americans will be affected by your proposed changes to healthcare law when 100 million is just a number you add to your net worth when you need a loan from Deutsche Bank?

Democrats are complaining that Trump’s effort to overturn Obamacare contradict his previous claims that he would keep protections for Americans with pre-existing conditions. In Trump’s defence, I imagine this was a sincere claim until he found out that chronic narcissism is not considered to be a pre-existing condition when caused by overexposure to yes-men.

I imagine KGB agents with access to his Twitter account have already seen a drafted tweet saying: “Bad (or sick) guy Obama deliberately drafted the Affordable Care Act to exclude ailments affecting your favorite President (me!) - even though I have none. This is worse than Katrina because it affects one white person”.

I reckon the devil is in the details. I can see Sarah Huckabee Sanders relishing the opportunity to tell the White House Press Corps that threatening pre-existing conditions such as cancer, diabetes and Hillary Clinton will no longer be covered. But on the flipside, the Trump administration could make changes that would make healthcare legislation more palatable for some Americans.

More specifically, Trump could adopt some of these key recommendations:

1) Disaffected white men will receive (semi)-automatic weapons, ammunition and a subscription to NRA TV by entering their details on Trumpcare.com

2) Four free cotton swabs for women who don’t report sexual assault

3) Free access to healthcare for Americans who have contracted STDs through extramarital affairs with porn stars; with additional funds available to defend affected Americans caught up in subsequent lawsuits

4) Expanded access to clinical bone saws for Saudi-trained doctors

5) Hispanic and white Americans staying in the same hospitals should be separated by a border wall

Of course all of these policy proposals are currently embargoed: the administration’s healthcare white paper hasn’t been published. Possibly this is because Jared Kushner interpreted instructions literally and wrote up a paper which only offers healthcare to white people. Nevertheless, based on a draft of the white paper which I took time to concoct myself, I’ve documented key differences between Obamacare and Trumpcare (formerly known as Very-Stable-Genius-Care) below:

Obamacare: Lower drug prices for veterans

Trumpcare: Lowest drug prices for veterans who admit John McCain wasn’t a real war hero because he got captured

Obamacare: Made addiction treatment led by doctors more available for opioid users

Trumpcare: Opioid addiction treatment outsourced to people without medical degrees because this shouldn’t be a job for mere experts. Vaccinations outsourced to some very fine people on Twitter

Obamacare: Provides access to abortion clinics

Trumpcare: Limits access to abortion clinics and provides handy cages to put your children in once they arrive

Obamacare: Tax credits for lower and middle class insurance buyers

Trumpcare: Tax credits for Mar-A-Lago for hosting the president, plus a free visit from Kanye West for every visitor

Obamacare: Transparent nutrition labeling on all food

Trumpcare: Introduces ‘hamberder’ as a unit of energy

Even though I don’t support any of these policy proposals, I’m pleasantly surprised that Trump put some thought into the topic and didn’t just write “healthcare” in crayon on a blank piece of paper and submit it to Congress as evidence of a healthcare bill.

Congressional Republicans will of course support Trump’s efforts to dismantle Obamacare. Congressman Steve King — most famous for saying “White nationalism, white supremacist, western civilisation — how did that language become offensive?” in a New York Times interview — will probably tweet: “Proud to support an equitable healthcare bill which will be funded by reparations paid to whites who have suffered the indignation of having their supremacy called into question by non-whites in public”.

Despite the grim prognosis, some Democrats are speculating there is a silver lining here because of the rumor that the Senate Majority Leader will retire in 2020 if Obamacare is eventually invalidated. Although he’s not commented on what his next move will be, McConnell is expected to play Leonardo in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.