What if North Korea wins the eventual nuclear war? I'm not sure I'm cut out for communist living

As someone well-versed in the rules of fashion and beauty, I can’t imagine how I’d fare in North Korea, with its bizarre haircuts and regulation outfits. On the plus side, at least I’d lose weight

Imagine your husband having to embrace the sideburn-less crew-cut (AFP/Getty)

I am very concerned about the situation in North Korea. Not so much about Brylcreem Kim starting World War Three, but about something far more worrying: the stark fashion and beauty choices under the world’s most unhinged leader.

I am well versed in the complex and often unspoken rules of the fashion and beauty world. No toes on show after August; no tights after May. No crop tops past 27 and a statement hotpant only if your bottom can fit comfortably in an Economy Class airline seat.

You’ll regret your nipple ring when you’re 70 and it’s hanging down by your right thigh (particularly if it’s your left breast) and if you are a regular wearer of a fleece, your husband will leave you at some point in the next 10 years. If your husband starts buying salmon or lemon-coloured chinos, you will leave at some point in the next five years.

These rules are all clear – and so well-ingrained they become instinctive. But I fear in North Korea my grasp of these rules would be of no help. And even if I were to follow their rules, the resulting image would be so catastrophic I would beg The Un to banish me to the furthest corner of a forced labour field where no-one could bear witness to my sartorial crimes.

Lets concentrate on KJU’s look first of all.

I am very concerned about fashion under The UN (AFP/Getty) (Ed Jones/AFP/Getty Images)

Note the half–brow in the above picture. He apparently shaved off a third of his eyebrows last year, provoking an instant fashion tsunami across Asia for the half-plucked brow.

Note the sideburn-less crew cut. Neither flattering nor sophisticated, if your husband teamed this cut with a pair of lemon trousers your departure date would plummet to less than six months.

KJU rocking the despotic half-eyebrow, teamed with a murderous fedora (North Korean government handout)

Note here how the fedora – usually seen at a village cricket match or even the Henley Regatta – sits equally comfortably when worn while killing people.

In 2004, the late Kim Jong-il’s North Korean state government produced a hidden camera TV show called Let’s Trim Our Hair In Accordance With The Socialist Lifestyle. On it, men with the wrong haircuts – too long or too short, would have their names and addresses displayed on screen as an act of national shaming. What if here I had to style my hair in accordance with Theresa May? Or Anne Widdecombe?

There I would have to choose from 18 women’s hairstyles. Would I plump for the 1950s perm, or the Crystal Carrington flick? Bounciness is not encouraged and had to be stamped out a few years back – probably literally.

Regulation clothing in the hermit state is all made out of an unspeakable material called Vinylon – described as being a mix of “limestone and anthracite”. Limestone is a rock. Anthracite is a type of coal. It would be hard to make a statement hotpant out of them. For a Madonna-esque conical bra a la 1980s Blond Ambition Tour, limestone could work. And a pair of coal chinos on my husband would be far preferable to salmon.

On a brighter note, I’d be much skinnier in North Korea. Skipping the dog burgers, dog soups and pickled cabbage means there would not be a lot left on the menu. The Un apparently spends most of his time eating cheese – his particular fave is Emmental – but his ballooning face broadcast daily on state TV would be enough to drive me back towards to the dog soup instead.

There are no spray tans in North Korea. Whitening rice powder comes in government-issued compacts and I would find it tricky to maintain my post-Ibiza glow. Tanned skin is considered lower class, associated with manual labour. There I would be mistaken for a potato farmer – a carb-heavy vegetable so far from my own heart that the error would be beyond ironic .

I think my husband might enjoy North Korea. There would be no screens or YouTube to distract the children, and he’s very much a dog person. He becomes easily overwhelmed by the amount of choice in Topman, so would welcome the restrictive dress code of the communist state. He would even suit a half-brow.

The children, I fear, would do less well. They do not respond well to authority, nor would they enjoy a life of potato farming or wearing crocs made of limestone. The dog, of course, would not live well there. Or indeed live at all.

So thank God for our simple rules and for not having to ask your hairdresser for an “Ann Widdecombe”. Thank God for us being able to wear military chic and not have to kill anyone. And if that means that in a few years’ time, when my ass no longer fits into an airline seat, I have to ditch the hotpants – it’s a small price to pay. I’ll always have potatoes.