The Lib Dems hate no-deal Brexit, but they’d rather burn than let Jeremy Corbyn douse the flames

Maybe they’re worried that during his few days as prime minister, he’d sneak off in the night and make Britain part of Palestine

We’ve become so conditioned to the madness, now we let it all slide by in a numb trance. We could see Boris Johnson in a battleship up the Thames, giving orders to shell the of the Houses of Parliament, as he announces: “We won a referendum to bring back power to parliament, which is why it’s essential to destroy parliament, so parliament can no longer oppose the will of parliament by continuing to sit in parliament.”

And most of us would go: “At least it’s a sunny day for it.”

Every day a report comes out, such as the one that predicted half of Britain’s farms would go bankrupt in a no-deal Brexit, and it’s dismissed as scaremongering, as it was written by people who know nothing about farming, such as farmers and economists and farming economists. Because if you really want to know about farming you do what any sensible person does and consult Priti Patel.

Next week an investigation will conclude Britain will run out of oxygen in a no-deal Brexit, and Jacob Rees-Mogg will assure us “there’s no need for concern as we’re arranging a deal with a deep-sea diving company for tanks we can share, which will allow over half the country to continue breathing for at least three days”, then remind us of the exciting opportunities created by Brexit, such as Donald Trump promising to sell us a tin of pilchards.

So far, the government has dedicated £6bn in preparation for its no-deal fun, which is more than some countries spend after earthquakes or tsunamis. There must be people in Haiti who have read how much this is costing, and assume a “no deal” is an especially vicious type of hurricane, so they’re sending us all their old clothes and offering to adopt our children.

Iain Duncan Smith told us this week the preparations for a no-deal Brexit had not been made under the previous administration, and when he was told: “Your government came out again and again ... and told the British public that all preparations for a no-deal Brexit were made,’’ he replied: “Yes [...] well it wasn’t correct.”

What could be more reassuring than that? It’s like a pilot announcing: “I can inform you this plane is now safe. When I said before we took off that it was safe, I wasn’t correct. There were bits hanging off and sparks all over the place, but now it really is safe,” halfway through a flight. Nothing could make you feel more secure.

This might be why some parties, such as the Liberal Democrats, insisted all along the most important issue of all is that we must, at all costs, avoid a no-deal Brexit, and they’ve been furious with Jeremy Corbyn for not doing more to stop it.

So now he’s written to them proposing they can come together with Labour to stop a no-deal Brexit, in which he’d become prime minister for a few days, to cancel Brexit and call an election, and they’ve told him to piss off.

You can understand why, because it makes perfect sense to say “we hate and despise Brexit, and are physically sick at the idea of a no-deal Brexit, and would do literally absolutely anything in the universe to stop a no-deal Brexit, but obviously not so much that we’d accept Corbyn prime minister for two days, we’re not THAT anti-Brexit”.

It would be the same if you were in a burning building. If someone said, “I know a way out so we can escape”, the first question from any reasonable person would be: “Are you Jeremy Corbyn?” And if they were, it would be best to sit in the flames until you were asked by someone more acceptable.

Maybe they’re worried that during his few days as prime minister, he’d sneak off in the night and make Britain part of Palestine.

The suggestion is if a Labour figure must take this role, it should be Harriet Harman, and this is a fun system the Liberal Democrats are proposing, in which the leader of a party is chosen by a completely different party. This is what we need to make politics interesting. Then Labour could choose Joe Pasquale as Liberal Democrat leader, the Greens can pick Jean-Claude Juncker to lead the Brexit Party, and they can all select Rolf Harris to run the Tories as he’s a figure of fun, until it backfires and he goes 20 per cent ahead in the polls.

But most impressive is Change UK, a party whose entire existence was dedicated to stopping Brexit, who also rejected the offer to stop Brexit. One reason is their leader Anna Soubry was “very disappointed” her party of five MPs “weren’t included” in Corbyn’s letter, proving his suggestion is “a stunt”.

Exactly. We might all agree we have to do whatever is humanly possible to avoid a no-deal Brexit, but not if you’re not included in a group letter. Some principles are bigger than avoiding the country being wrecked for a century, and that’s one of them, as it’s basic manners. And even if he had sent a letter, knowing what Corbyn’s like, he’d have forgotten to send flowers with it so it still wouldn’t do any good.

If he really meant to oppose Brexit, rather than this stunt, he’d have included a gift voucher for Boots and written it as a sonnet: “The country’s a mess so I hope you’ll say yes and accept that my offer’s a runner, for if there’s a saviour from Johnson’s behaviour, it’s you dear, or Chuka Umunna.”

I think it was the ancient Chinese warrior Sun Tzu who said: “One rancid but decisive Etonian twat can get his way if one hundred self-righteous dingbats are so busy squabbling that they let him.”