I've had a sneak peek at Rudy Giuliani's Mueller report rebuttal — and Julian Assange says I can tell you all about it

Part-polemic, part-autobiography, part-farmers' almanac

At 2.54am on Tuesday, Rudy Giuliani texted Politico’s Darren Samuelsohn that the president’s “counter report” will come out at the same time as the redacted Mueller report and that it will be 34 or 35 pages. Originally, Rudy G had promised to deliver 140 pages of delicious, bodice-ripping, lib-owning content, but as this writer can tell you, there are only so many gifs, emojis and Venn diagrams you can put in a piece of writing before you start to look like you're just trying to fill the pages.

Speculation is wild about what will be in the Rudy Rebuttal but luckily for me, Julian Assange sent me an early copy on the condition that I publish it immediately (because that’s what you do when you're totally not a cut-out of the Russian government at all.)

Before I begin my deeply thoughtful and important summation, let me just tell you that Rudy’s report is part-polemic, part-autobiography and part-farmers’ almanac. To say every farmhouse, small bordello and underground parking garage should have a copy of the Rudy Rebuttal seems like a grave understatement.

Part one of the Rudy Rebuttal is the origin story of how the Rudy Rebuttal came to pass in the first place. Confusingly, part one also includes copies of Rudy’s first three pre-nuptials. There is some truly breathtaking prose in part one and if you don’t have a pet pig, the cut-out on page seven is basically chicken soup for the conservative soul.

Part two of the Rudy Rebuttal is a wide-ranging defense of all of Trump’s sketchiest stuff, including several porn-star payoffs not previously known about. It also includes an early autobiographical poem written by a young Donald J Trump in iambic pentameter. But by far the most illuminating section is the Snapchat story of Tiffany playing golf at Trump National in Florida.

Part four of the Rudy Rebuttal (part three was written by a Russian oligarch who didn’t have time to finish his part so it ended up having to go directly from two to four) is actually a map of where Eric buried his retainer in fourth grade. It seems like an obfuscation but it’s obviously not because it tells the story of Donald J Trump’s relationship with his simplest son.

Part five of the Rudy Rebuttal is a copy of Rudy’s online dating profile for Christian singles. It includes a long second about his personal turn-offs, which include not being at least tangentially related to him.

Part six of the Rudy Rebuttal is actually a bill for club sandwiches and beer that Rudy was hoping to submit to the campaign but accidentally put in the report.

Part seven is a pamphlet of therapy notes from Rudy’s most recent session with his shrink. In the notes, Rudy recounts a dream where he is naked in a grocery store and he’s trying to buy potatoes from a Russian vendor. The doctor postulates that Rudy’s love of potatoes may actually be a metaphor for his childhood.

Part eight is the first chapter of Rudy’s first (but certainly not last) autobiographical novel, which is part-political thriller and part-erotic romp.

Part nine of the Rudy Rebuttal is redacted but some speculate that it actually contains some relevant information about the Trump campaign’s nefarious relationship with the Russia government, and WikiLeaks. Tragically, as much as Barr wanted to release this information, he felt it needed to be redacted because it contained sources and methods of committing light treason and various other malfeasances.

Does the president’s free lawyer do a good job convincing the American people that collusion is not a crime? Yes, yes, he does. Does the president’s free lawyer deserve to have his salary doubled? Yes, yes he does.