Mr Callow will be coordinating a series of lightning raids on empty poster sites. Altered slogans will include Wonderbra: "Hey Boys! They're false!"

Serena Mackesy In my week

Extracts from the minutes of the quarterly meeting of the British Union of Marketing Saboteurs, 3 July 1997. Those present: Daphne Morris, Chair. Harvey Filch, Company Secretary. R Callow, A Jones, S Madison, G Vine, forming a quorum. Apologies: R Hoskins, B Mawhinney. Items for discussion: Chair's address, recent achievement reports; future plans, any other business. Meeting convened 10.30pm after a good dinner.

1) Chair welcomed board members after a highly successful quarter in which results had only been outstripped in the past by the Hoover "free tickets" campaign. Particularly commended were the Kitten Soft household paper "free pack with the voucher inside this pack" campaign which resulted in unusable under-stair cupboards countrywide and the supermarket chain which is being sued by a customer for back pain resulting from repeated queuing for free tinned foodstuffs.

2) Recent achievement reports: The operatives who infiltrated water companies in time to announce hosepipe bans during half-hour gaps in a month's torrential rain; Rover cars' "jolly comfortable kidnap" campaign.

Ms Jones presented a special report on the highly successful BT "Friends and Family Reunion" campaign. The intention of the extensive TV advertising and millions of mailshots threatening to take BT customers on holiday with the individuals on their "Friends and Family" telephone discount lists had been fully achieved.

Qualitative research commissioned by Ms Jones had suggested a 35 per cent rise in stress levels among BT Friends and Family customers, widespread reports of anticipatory nightmares involving dodging behind palm trees to avoid flying crockery, and silent communal meals punctuated by occasional shrieks of rage. Particularly affected were the 33 per cent of the country's population who had been affected by parental divorce, who were concerned at the prospect of both stepfamilies being in the same spot for any length of time. Two per cent reported recurring dreams in which one or other parent stood in front of them, intoning the words "It's her or me".

Over 98 per cent of respondents pointed out that they had many reasons for making regular, lengthy phone calls, and that most of them were proof that the recipient was the last person with whom they would spend their time.

Among other examples cited were: account executives and their cocaine suppliers; couch potatoes and the staff of their local pizza delivery outlet; suicidal depressives and their Samaritans; the staff of 0891 phone- sex lines; debtors and bank managers; the self-employed and their VAT inspectors.

Chair congratulated the entire team on this highly successful effort.

3) Future plans: An underground message has been received from a Mr N Morrissey suggesting means of targeting the Virgin Cola "go on location with MTV" competition. He points out that Mr Mark Morrison has been released from his prison term and would be an ideal celebrity for the organisation's purposes. Mr Michael Tyson is rumoured to be looking for sponsorship deals: Mr Vine suggested that he could be an ideal tie-in competition prize for Newcastle Brown Ale. But given his putative conversion to Islam while in jail for rape, Mr Tyson might be unwilling to associate himself with alcohol. Alternative use could be demonstrating the absorbent qualities of toilet paper by biting the ear off a cuddly puppy.

4) Poster campaigns: Mr Callow will be co-ordinating a series of lightning raids on empty poster sites around the country. Altered slogans will include: Club 18-30: "Girls! Can we interest you in shagging ugly men?" Wonderbra: "Hey, boys! They're false!" and plastering CK-One posters featuring Kate Moss with "Lose weight now, ask me how" fliers.

5) Celebrity endorsements: Camilla Parker-Bowles speaking on behalf of the British Fieldsports Society. Chris Eubank: Range Rover. Jonathan Aitken: BA Citybreaks. Tim Henman: Mensa.

6) Other business: Ms Madison suggested setting up a working party to investigate possible uses for the Millennium Experience. Mr Filch expressed concern at the loss of Mr Portillo to the Conservative Party and requested that a high-profile role be found for him as a matter of the greatest urgency.

The Chair thanked members for their work and attendance, and a date was set for three months' time.