Comment

I won’t call my husband ‘my husband’ – it’s sexist

I don’t want to be somebody else’s ‘wife’ – is there another word I can use instead, asks Chloe Hamilton

Monday 11 November 2024 08:29 GMT
Comments
I now pronounce you… what exactly?
I now pronounce you… what exactly? (Getty/iStockphoto)

Your support helps us to tell the story

From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.

At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.

The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.

Your support makes all the difference.

I remember vividly the first time I heard someone refer to his girlfriend as “the missus”.

I was standing outside a pub with some colleagues and the term came out of the blue, from the mouth of a man I had, until that point, believed to be thoughtful, empathetic, perhaps even a feminist. It jarred immediately, the phrase evoking in me a visceral reaction that made my skin crawl and my stomach churn. The reduction of this man’s girlfriend to not just an object, but an object defined by her sex and relationship status, made me feel almost violent with rage. I resolved, in that moment, to never, ever become someone’s missus.

I wonder, now, whether this was the moment – pint of weak, fizzy lager in my hand, fury bubbling in my gut – that my eyes were, for the first time, opened not just to the very real sexism baked into our language, but also to the fact that many of us are, largely, unaware of it.

Phrases such as “the missus” or, my personal worst, “the boss” (a term of charming endearment, apparently, but one that, I think, is laced with misogyny given the implication is that a woman is – ho ho! – in charge of a relationship when, in reality, she is simply bearing its unthinkably heavy mental load) are surprisingly commonplace even in 2024, popping up in WhatsApp groups, at watercoolers, and across pub tables.

For me, though, even the words “husband” and “wife”, which to many seem harmless – sweet, even – feel sexist and laden with problematic baggage, born, as they are, from the patriarchal institution that is marriage. Historically, of course, once a woman became a wife, she was reduced, merely, to the property of her husband. Excuse me, then, for being a tad touchy about the terms themselves.

Personally, I refer to my spouse, my companion, my mate, as my “partner”, and have done so since we became engaged and I found myself baulking at the term “fiancée” – in part because I noticed it invited questions about a wedding I wasn’t enjoying planning, but also because I felt it reduced me, solely, to my relationship status.

It seems I’m not alone. According to Dr Patricia S Dixon, a psychologist and professor at National Louis University in Florida, an increasing number of heterosexual couples in the US are now, like me, adopting the gender-neutral term “partner” to describe someone they’re in a romantic relationship with. “I rarely hear somebody say: ‘This is my husband, or my wife, or my girlfriend,’” Dr Dixon told CNN last month. “It’s already becoming more normalised to say ‘partner’.”

It is thought the shift is, partly, due to younger generations moving away from traditional relationship structures. For me, though, it’s simply because the words “husband” and “wife” are so steeped in historical sexism that I feel they cannot possibly reflect the relationship – equal, fair, loving – I have with my, well, partner, a word which, I feel, more accurately represents the fact that we are a team; a partnership, if you will.

I also like that, like the title “Ms”, the term “partner” keeps my marital status hidden: it is, after all, no one else’s business. Plus, “partner” is cheekily ambiguous. It keeps people guessing. Is he my husband? My wife? My lover? My business partner? My partner in crime? Who knows!

This issue of semantics even played a part in our decision – joint, of course – to abandon our marriage plans altogether and opt, instead, for a civil partnership. Now, when people refer to my partner as my husband, I can take great satisfaction in correcting them. Legally, he just… isn’t.

I know others won’t agree with me and I’d never presume to instruct people as to how to refer to those they love. But I would invite both men and women to think about the history woven into the words they use and consider whether it may, in fact, be time to partner up.

Join our commenting forum

Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies

Comments

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in